even bigger mess?

maybe.

seems letting my head take control for a while is definitely the best option. my heart can't be trusted, as I've learned int he past. my heart makes reckless decisions and jumps into things without thinking... then I end up more of a mess than I started.

I've decided when I do find a boyfriend these are some qualities I would like that most previous boyfriends have lacked:
1. confidence. this is a big one, I'm tired of my guy saying something and then looking to me like "is that okay?" you have a brain with opinions and wants... use it. and don't give them up just because I exist.
2. independent. this sort of goes with the other one. I want someone who has passions of their own... it would be great if we share some, but it would also be nice to know if I do something with my friends he's not sitting at home staring at a wall or texting me to make me hurry home.
3. humility. this one is kind of huge... you are NOT the coolest thing since sliced bread (mainly because me and my sister are). there is a BIG difference between beign confident and being arrogant, cocky, ect... there are too reasons guys act like this

• they really think they are the s***... this drives me nuts in a way I can't explain. I guess because they are usually wrong :)
• they have ZERO confidence and they think faking it by acting like they think they're the coolest, smartest, and/or most attractive guy ever. this bothers me for the above reason and because it does not make up for having no confidence.
  

going to boehringers for ice cream dinner now... yay!

Mess

that is still the condition of my room... and while less of a mess than a few days ago, it is still a mess none the less.
my bed is back to the side it belongs, a hutch has been added for storage, and Eli sleeps happily on his new condo... however miscellaneous junk is still scattered about the floor (much less than before), all betta tanks are unplugged and evaporated, a forgotten (and smelly) bag of trash must wait until next week before being taken to the curb as well as a chair that reeks of cat pee.

in ways I feel it's a metaphor for my life... unarguably slightly more in order but still a mess. I've sorted out the issues with the controlling, less than faithful boyfriend (by leaving him). I've gotten rid of a good deal of material clutter. I've cried and smiled while remembering and sorting through the past and the issues it left me. I can say I let go of a good chunk of that baggage, though some still lingers as a month can only do so much. I found a job but quickly came to realize it was not to be...
so on I march. searching for a new job. sorting through more emotional and material clutter.

at any rate, I got my pay in the mail today (even though I specifically said do NOT mail it I want to pick it up in person). I plan to use it on birth control, however it will only cover about half so some is going to be paid with what I've saved and some is going to be put on the credit card... as much as it pains me I don't think I can deal with another pd off it. not to mention it might get rid of pds altogether in which case I need it asap so it can sort itself out before summer.

hnm, I hope I can sort myself out by summer :)
I am a mess of a girl at the moment... but I suppose I always was. ignoring my whispering head and allowing my screaming heart to lead the way, except for one time when I was arguably more of a mess than usual. however, I think letting my head control certain aspects of my life would be a wise decision, at least for a little while. my heart can sing freely on walks but I would be wise to ignore it the rest of the time for now.

I <3 this song right now (plus I think she is a really pretty)

life goes on...

Today was... busy.
I woke up at 8 so I could have time to get Eli's carrier all ready, take my (3rd to last!) pill, eat something, and let my stomach settle before Mike picked me up at 9 to go to petco for the discount vaccine clinic with Eli.

the drive there felt like it took forever, and it did take a while thanks to the road work in Wyomissing. Eli was well behaved; he likes car rides however he is apparently not so fond of them when shoved in a small carrier. Eli was still quiet and calm though.
we were the third to arrive, followed shorlty after by Mike's mom with Pebbles (his sister's dog). I kept Eli on the other side. sure I was not technically in the line, but I was well prepared to tell anyone off who tried to tell me that I was not third in line. my plan worked, Eli remained calm since he was able to watch everyone from a distance with the safety of his mommy and daddy guarding his carrier. he stayed quiet through dogs barking, cats wailing, and even noisy floor cleaner.
after an hour wait (from when we first got there... the vets started about 15mins later since they got there late), it was Eli's turn. he was so well behaved. no scratching. no fighting. no hissing. he kept his eyes on me through a shot and a huge micro-chipping shot. after the let him go (they held onto his leash) he crawled right into his carrier like the good boy he is. I promptly bought him treats and we left.

Eli was allowed out of his carrier on the way home, and he enjoyed sniffing out the windows and sitting on my lap like a normal car ride.

after that was a trip to the mall to look at a swimsuit I had fallen in love with on friday. I discovered I could get it for half the price online, and decided this made it acceptable even though I've already bought 2 swimsuits this year! for a little over $9 I was willing to add another to my collection. I tried on two swimsuits... the one I had loved was awkward and created an "under-boob" situation out the bottom of the top since it did not have a shelf bra and was cut weird. the second swimsuit... I was in love. I had to ask if the discount was only online. it was. so the sales person took me to the store computer explaining I could order it online, have it shipped to the store for only $1 and have a much cheaper swimsuit. it was not to be however... the swimsuit was not online.
I am convinced, if I wait a few weeks it might go on sale even more... right? I hope so. if by the beach it's cheaper, I'm getting it. however I don't want to pay $2o for my third swim purchase f the summer!

tomorrow is my LAST pill. FINALLY!
I have discovered, I've had the 4/5 of the "call doctor immediately" side effects...
[x] rash - yep, had it a few days ago on my back.
[x] itching - oh yes. my finger have itching almost constantly for the past few days, as do my eyes. also random bouts of itching throughout the day.
[x] stuffy nose - although I am hesitant to count this as I do get allergies.
[ ] fever - no. well not that I know of.
[x] joint pain - YES! this has been the worst for me. my knees, shoulders, and elbows have ached on and off since the last dose on the 2nd day!

I also have some of the "sever" side effects that say to call the doctor if they persist. and they have. so I guess tomorrow I'll call and inform them that I should never ever take this again. ever.

If you aren't happy with your life...

change it.
simple enough, right?

We'll see.
<3

The Perfect Shower

I've decided to share with world (and the world being my readers, which consist of my mom and sister...) the discovery I made a few years back; a shower plan to optimize your conditioner without compromising cleanliness or shower length... the perfect shower.

(click it! it's not all showing up!)




before this, my standard shower plan was 1. wash body 2. wash face 3. wash hair 4. condition 5. shave... after realizing washing my face after conditioning would cause less zits, I bumped washing my face to before shaving but after washing and conditioning my hair. later I realized leaving in my conditioner made my hair softer, so I started the new order but lacked the clip. I started getting a few zits on my back where my conditioner soaked hair was laying and eventually settled on the clip as the solution.

bonus tip! shaving with conditioner instead of shave cream or soap makes your legs silkier... plus you can get a big bottle of conditioner for cheap, it doesn't need to be a special kind.

twilight

so last night I stumbled upon an article making fun of twilight with a funny video at the end. I had a good laugh and was just about to hit the stumble button when I started thinking. it's really not fair for me to make fun of a movie I never saw (sure, the commercials give a good preview that it's going to suck, but what if by some slim chance the movie was actually okay? so I watched twilight on youtube.

Twilight - 2/10
the acting sucked. I like kristen stewart, i really do. she is a decent actress... well was? it's as if she took quite a few steps back in this movie. her acting is terribly flat. unless that's how her character is in the book, in which case well done. robert pattinson.... geez. I'm not even sure how he became an actor. in ALL of his movies he seems so blah. so flat. so... bland. no emotion, and it seems so forced.
the movie was full of cliches, and I found myself laughing quite a bit when I am sure I shouldn't have been (it was hard to tell... some movies *try* to be this predictable for cheese factor. I don't think this one was trying).
I do see how young teenage girls would like it. most girls want to be the one to tame the bad boy, so I can at least see how it would appeal to them. I seriously do not understand the large following, however.
vampires are not super heroes.

so I marched on... there was a second one right? yep. there was.

New Moon - 4/10
yes, it slightly improved from the last; the second one did not make me want to gauge my eyes out... as much. however I'm certain this is only because taylor lautner was in a large portion of it. he was a decent actor. he showed emotion (okay, at this point I could excuse robert pattinson's character for being bland... maybe it's part of the vampire thing, like sparkling (gag), however he acts like that in ALL his movies). I actually almost enjoyed a few parts with taylor lautner in it, and he sort of reminded me of a very cliche version of the beau. kristen stewart and robert pattinson fell equally flat in this movie again... maybe they improved a sliver?

all in all? nope, still don't like twilight. still makes me laugh. what was I thinking? a movie with vampires that sparkle? hahaha... oh well, it was entertaining. besides, now I can rightfully mock it :D

I am super irritated though, that he name is what I want to name me daughter (NOTHING to do with twilight) and she drives a truck that I would die for... really? could they possibly try any harder to make people eventually think I'm a huge twilight fan that never moved on? oh well.

realization

I've come to the realization that we actually look about 10x better than we think (well most of us... obviously not those people in smalls that soooo belong in larges).

case and point:


I don't ever remember looking that awesome. yet I did at some point apparently. I didn't have photoshop back then so I know I didn't edit it.