I am struggling (and not just struggling to type this post because there is a cat on my lap gnawing my arm).
I am struggling with a lot of things. I'm 26 and still live at home with my parents. I feel like a burden.
I am struggling with the realization that some of my closest friends are hardly even friends anymore. I hardly see them. Some make plans that always fall through for some reason or another. Some are too busy with new found love. Some live so far away they just can't be here.... I feel so utterly alone most of the time.
I am struggling as I see everyone around me getting the only things I've ever cared about... engagements, weddings, babies. I try not to be jealous, but I am. Its hurts.
I am struggling with the rape. Every night is a nightmare where his smirk looms over me and I relive every graphic details I try to hard to forget. I struggle because I am stuck with all of this - the countless emotional scars, the flashbacks from the tiniest trigger, the fear of parties or even small get together or anyone drinking, the nightmares, the coming and going feeling of how violated I was, the constant feeling of being damaged goods... while he walks free and feels no remorse. Some days the feeling of violation is as fresh as the moment it happened. Some days I want nothing more that to cover myself in loose sweats and a hoodie because the mere thought of a man looking at me in a sexual way is just too violating.I struggle to love myself, to consider myself as strong as everyone says I am when I didn't even have the strength to scream for help... looking back I know that was best, I may have very well died that night had I done so, and my now boyfriend would have nearly beat the rapist to death and be in jail for it. I try not to be so hard or myself, I was scared and for some of it I was numb as if I left my body.... but it's hard to not blame myself when he is free to violate someone else the way he did me. Would my life have been worth that? To save another girl or woman from suffering the way I do everyday?
I struggle with my hallucinations, which are strong these days thanks to all the stress. I struggle with the panic attacks that happen daily now. I struggle because so few understand. I struggle because my extended family judges me... and my understanding parents. I want so badly to explain to them everything I go through on a daily basis. I want to tell them of the rape. Maybe then they would understand.
Through all this I try to remain thankful. I am thankful for my family, who is so understanding of everything I deal with. I am Thankful for my boyfriend who just holds me while I cry on the days I really struggle and does everything he can to make everyday good. I am thankful for my cats... Eli who is always my baby, Calypso who is psychotic and only likes me about 10% of the time. I am thankful to all the support I have gotten since starting Kenhorst Cats. I'm thankful my parents have been so supportive, allowing me to take in strays while I try to find them homes and letting me keep Anchovy. I am thankfully for Kenhorst Cats in general as it keeps me busy and keeps my mind from slipping to the darker thoughts too often. I am Thankful for Anchovy, she was basically feral, but now she is my lap cat and sleeps with me every night. She greets me every morning or anytime I come into my room with a playful and excited chirp. I am thankful for Honey, who is one of the snuggliest cats I've ever known, and thankful for my boyfriend and his mom for taking her in for me. I am thankful for my true friends who are there for me every time they can be. I am thankful for my sister who is always there for me and truly is my other half.
When I struggle I try to remind myself of all the good. Nothing will ever make up for the rape... but there are still good things in life, and you just have to focus on those during the tough times. There is always something to be thankful for.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Saturday, October 4, 2014
A thought about our bodies.
This post is going to be extremely personal. It may contain triggers, but it is written with good intentions of sharing the much healthier thought process I've adopted recently.
I find myself becoming more of a feminist every day. With this new view came a new view of my body. I've struggled with my weight. Growing up my sister was always runway model thin, I'd hear all the time how she should be a model and how pretty she was... I was the nice one. My dad is obsessed with his weight, and my mom always struggled with her weight as well. Each of them has their own struggles, and that is their story to tell, but it all certainly affected my self image as I grew up. That is one thing I want to do differently than my mom, I want to make sure my daughters never see me struggling to love my own body because as women we often learn to love or hate our bodies from our mothers.
I was only ever happy with my weight once... when I was barely eating and my naturally thick frame had bones poking through. More than a few friends that knew me well were worried and said I was too skinny. I didn't listen, one of them was as thin as I was, though she is built very differently. In my unhealthy state I convinced myself they were jealous, they wanted me to fail. Most other people would tell me how great I looked, after all clothing was finally fitting me like it does on all the girls in magazines. It wasn't sustainable, I was tired all the time and suffered from many more migraines than usual. I would avoid food at all costs... "Oh, I had a big lunch." or "My stomach is upset today" or any other excuse I could find. When I did have to eat, like dinner with my family, I would shower right after. They never seemed to notice, but it was so I could throw up all the food I had just eaten. I would sit in the shower and put my finger down my throat while crying over how disappointed I was in myself. I was never sure whether I was more disappointed that I had eaten or that I had allowed myself to succumb to the beauty ideals of the world to the point of throwing up every bit of food that entered my mouth.
I eventually started eating again, then met a guy who ate junk and I fell into the same habits... eating a whole frozen pizza myself as a snack. The relationship was toxic and I found myself turning to food for the comfort I didn't receive from him. The pounds piled on and I felt awful. I was sluggish, had zits all the time, and hated the way I looked. I struggled for years even after we broke up, the horrible eating habits I developed were hard to break.
I would roller coaster between binge eating, purging, starving myself, eating normally for me, and trying to eat "healthy."
This past winter I found myself looking into the mirror and crying. I had a series of toxic relationships that tore me down. My self confidence was at an all time low.I decided all this yo-yo dieting was only killing my confidence even more, I would put so much hope on a new diet and after 2 weeks when I would lose nothing I'd hate myself a little more. So I stopped.
I stopped all of it. I stopped looking for new ways to lose weight. I stopped feeling guilty when I wanted some chocolate. I stopped conentrating on what I should be eating which did nothing but make me think about food. I stopped all the emotional eating, and boredom eating... which were the two hardest for me. I started listening to my body. When I'm hungry, I eat what it is I'm hungry for and I don't feel guilty about it. I didn't do this to lose weight, I did it to stop driving myself insane. I did it because I figured my body knows what it needs.... but in doing so I've lost about 20lbs. Food is no longer what I think about 24/7.
All of this included changing my views about myself. I think that all started first when I started looking at other women differently. I started to see the beauty in everyone, because we don't all need to be super models to be beautiful. I now think beauty mostly comes from within. From happiness, kindness, strength, and confidence.
We need to learn to love our bodies because they are the physical representation of ourselves. If you aren't happy with the way you look, I guarantee you aren't happy with some other things about yourself too. Find what you don't like about yourself that isn't physical, work on that. After you learn to love yourself and find confidence everything else will just fall into place.
As for the feminist aspect... I realized I hated my body because it didn't fit into the beauty box decided by our society, and who gets to decide if a woman is beautiful or not? Men. Is that fair? Shouldn't a woman get to decide if she herself is beautiful without influences from others? Shouldn't a woman be in charge of her own confidence? I am finally happy with myself, I may not be as skinny as I used to be, but I'm healthy. I'm almost 26, my body redistributed some weight a few years back to get ready for my child birthing years and I think that's a beautiful thing. It's natural, and who am I to argue with nature? I am as I was intended to be now, I'm not a teenager anymore so why would I want to look like one? I now am proud to be the beautiful woman I am... and I really hope more women will join me and reclaim their beauty.
I find myself becoming more of a feminist every day. With this new view came a new view of my body. I've struggled with my weight. Growing up my sister was always runway model thin, I'd hear all the time how she should be a model and how pretty she was... I was the nice one. My dad is obsessed with his weight, and my mom always struggled with her weight as well. Each of them has their own struggles, and that is their story to tell, but it all certainly affected my self image as I grew up. That is one thing I want to do differently than my mom, I want to make sure my daughters never see me struggling to love my own body because as women we often learn to love or hate our bodies from our mothers.
I was only ever happy with my weight once... when I was barely eating and my naturally thick frame had bones poking through. More than a few friends that knew me well were worried and said I was too skinny. I didn't listen, one of them was as thin as I was, though she is built very differently. In my unhealthy state I convinced myself they were jealous, they wanted me to fail. Most other people would tell me how great I looked, after all clothing was finally fitting me like it does on all the girls in magazines. It wasn't sustainable, I was tired all the time and suffered from many more migraines than usual. I would avoid food at all costs... "Oh, I had a big lunch." or "My stomach is upset today" or any other excuse I could find. When I did have to eat, like dinner with my family, I would shower right after. They never seemed to notice, but it was so I could throw up all the food I had just eaten. I would sit in the shower and put my finger down my throat while crying over how disappointed I was in myself. I was never sure whether I was more disappointed that I had eaten or that I had allowed myself to succumb to the beauty ideals of the world to the point of throwing up every bit of food that entered my mouth.
I eventually started eating again, then met a guy who ate junk and I fell into the same habits... eating a whole frozen pizza myself as a snack. The relationship was toxic and I found myself turning to food for the comfort I didn't receive from him. The pounds piled on and I felt awful. I was sluggish, had zits all the time, and hated the way I looked. I struggled for years even after we broke up, the horrible eating habits I developed were hard to break.
I would roller coaster between binge eating, purging, starving myself, eating normally for me, and trying to eat "healthy."
This past winter I found myself looking into the mirror and crying. I had a series of toxic relationships that tore me down. My self confidence was at an all time low.I decided all this yo-yo dieting was only killing my confidence even more, I would put so much hope on a new diet and after 2 weeks when I would lose nothing I'd hate myself a little more. So I stopped.
I stopped all of it. I stopped looking for new ways to lose weight. I stopped feeling guilty when I wanted some chocolate. I stopped conentrating on what I should be eating which did nothing but make me think about food. I stopped all the emotional eating, and boredom eating... which were the two hardest for me. I started listening to my body. When I'm hungry, I eat what it is I'm hungry for and I don't feel guilty about it. I didn't do this to lose weight, I did it to stop driving myself insane. I did it because I figured my body knows what it needs.... but in doing so I've lost about 20lbs. Food is no longer what I think about 24/7.
All of this included changing my views about myself. I think that all started first when I started looking at other women differently. I started to see the beauty in everyone, because we don't all need to be super models to be beautiful. I now think beauty mostly comes from within. From happiness, kindness, strength, and confidence.
We need to learn to love our bodies because they are the physical representation of ourselves. If you aren't happy with the way you look, I guarantee you aren't happy with some other things about yourself too. Find what you don't like about yourself that isn't physical, work on that. After you learn to love yourself and find confidence everything else will just fall into place.
As for the feminist aspect... I realized I hated my body because it didn't fit into the beauty box decided by our society, and who gets to decide if a woman is beautiful or not? Men. Is that fair? Shouldn't a woman get to decide if she herself is beautiful without influences from others? Shouldn't a woman be in charge of her own confidence? I am finally happy with myself, I may not be as skinny as I used to be, but I'm healthy. I'm almost 26, my body redistributed some weight a few years back to get ready for my child birthing years and I think that's a beautiful thing. It's natural, and who am I to argue with nature? I am as I was intended to be now, I'm not a teenager anymore so why would I want to look like one? I now am proud to be the beautiful woman I am... and I really hope more women will join me and reclaim their beauty.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
scared
I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow and I am terrified. not because of the pain or the long healing time, or even the chance that I might permanently lose all feeling in my tongue and cheeks... I've just always felt I was going to be one of those few people who die during their wisdom teeth removal. While I am praying, and hoping, and I know logically I'm probably wrong, I can't shake the feeling. So just in case I wrote a letter two each of my family members and Jared. I am keeping them in my purse tomorrow and I've told Jared to make sure everyone gets them is something were to happen.
After the coma I stopped being afraid of death. I know it's not the end.... I'm so terrified right now because I feel like my life is finally starting to come together. I've just gotten Kenhorst Cats going but I have so much more to do. I want to get Tuna and all her kittens (plus bundle) fixed. I want to find French Fry and all the outdoor kittens loving homes.... which will only work if I can spend a lot of time taming them after they get fixed. I want to give the best home possible to Anchovy and Tuna who have never really known what it's like to be a spoiled indoor cat.... I want Honey to live with me, It's been so hard knowing I have my kindred kitty spirit back and NOT getting to wake up next to her everyday and have her sit on my lap while I play fable or browse the web. I need that chance. I want to help all the cats in the area, then help other stray and feral cats around the county, maybe eventually the whole state or the whole country. I have so much more to do.
I want selfish things too... like I want to move out with Jared and just enjoy normal life as an adult couple. I want to fall asleep wake up next to him. I want to pack him lunch and cook us dinner. I want to keep our place clean so when Dad comes to visit he'll be proud of me. I want to have a garden and grow as much of our own food as I can. I'd like to someday have chickens so we don't have to buy eggs and support that cruel industry... so our chickens can be spoiled happy chickens that produce yummy rich eggs. I want a dog... I miss having a dog. I want it's fur to smell like fall so I can hug it and bury my face in it's fur and just for that moment everything will be fine. I want a dog because I know that one dog will have an amazing life full of love. I want to be around to be an aunt. I want to watch my niece or nephew grow into the amazing person they are bound to be. I want to spoil them, but also teach them to love and appreciate the people, animals and nature around them.... more than anything I want children of my own. I want to see what beautiful children me and Jared will have. I want to help sculpt their hearts to be just as beautiful. I want to make sure they know they can do or be anything they want... as long as it makes them happy. because life is too short and too precious to not be happy. I want my children, as they grow old enough, to be in awe of the strength yet gentleness of their mother, they way I was with mine. I want to show them you can be strong and still retain your innocence. I want to teach them that even though this world may be cold and hard there will always still be beauty ad kindness as long as they hold onto it. that they should be the change they wish to see in the world because if you think there is no kindness left in this world so you become unkind you are only proving yourself right... as long as you hold onto your tender heart there will be kindness even if only in you.
If I never get the chance to teach that to my children I hope at least one person will read this and benefit from it. Of course I'm probably being silly, and God willing everything will go fine and I'll get the chance to do all these things :)
After the coma I stopped being afraid of death. I know it's not the end.... I'm so terrified right now because I feel like my life is finally starting to come together. I've just gotten Kenhorst Cats going but I have so much more to do. I want to get Tuna and all her kittens (plus bundle) fixed. I want to find French Fry and all the outdoor kittens loving homes.... which will only work if I can spend a lot of time taming them after they get fixed. I want to give the best home possible to Anchovy and Tuna who have never really known what it's like to be a spoiled indoor cat.... I want Honey to live with me, It's been so hard knowing I have my kindred kitty spirit back and NOT getting to wake up next to her everyday and have her sit on my lap while I play fable or browse the web. I need that chance. I want to help all the cats in the area, then help other stray and feral cats around the county, maybe eventually the whole state or the whole country. I have so much more to do.
I want selfish things too... like I want to move out with Jared and just enjoy normal life as an adult couple. I want to fall asleep wake up next to him. I want to pack him lunch and cook us dinner. I want to keep our place clean so when Dad comes to visit he'll be proud of me. I want to have a garden and grow as much of our own food as I can. I'd like to someday have chickens so we don't have to buy eggs and support that cruel industry... so our chickens can be spoiled happy chickens that produce yummy rich eggs. I want a dog... I miss having a dog. I want it's fur to smell like fall so I can hug it and bury my face in it's fur and just for that moment everything will be fine. I want a dog because I know that one dog will have an amazing life full of love. I want to be around to be an aunt. I want to watch my niece or nephew grow into the amazing person they are bound to be. I want to spoil them, but also teach them to love and appreciate the people, animals and nature around them.... more than anything I want children of my own. I want to see what beautiful children me and Jared will have. I want to help sculpt their hearts to be just as beautiful. I want to make sure they know they can do or be anything they want... as long as it makes them happy. because life is too short and too precious to not be happy. I want my children, as they grow old enough, to be in awe of the strength yet gentleness of their mother, they way I was with mine. I want to show them you can be strong and still retain your innocence. I want to teach them that even though this world may be cold and hard there will always still be beauty ad kindness as long as they hold onto it. that they should be the change they wish to see in the world because if you think there is no kindness left in this world so you become unkind you are only proving yourself right... as long as you hold onto your tender heart there will be kindness even if only in you.
If I never get the chance to teach that to my children I hope at least one person will read this and benefit from it. Of course I'm probably being silly, and God willing everything will go fine and I'll get the chance to do all these things :)
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Kittens!
Over the summer I started sort of a cat rescue.... I sort of because my anxiety over doing all the paperwork and such to turn me into an recognized non-profit has so far prevented me from getting to that part. However I've raised over $300, gotten a cat fixed, taken in said cat's tiny kittens and provided around the clock care for one of them that nearly didn't make it, taken in and adopted a very sick kitten, and provided food and love for the cats/kittens still outside.
I hate to toot my own horn, but my therapist thinks I don't value myself enough and I need to start recognizing the things I do... so I'm honestly quite proud of myself. I have really made a difference. My goal before winter is to adopt out the 3 kittens inside now (two of them already have homes when they are old enough), and spay/neuter the 4 kittens outside and find them homes. I still have 2 more adult cats outside to spay however one stopped coing around since her kittens took over the patio and the other rarely comes by so it could be challenging.
The first of the kittens to come inside was a kitten from Tuna's litter I called sick kitten, because her one eye had been swollen. She was very skittish but I managed to catch her and clean it off and for a few days it looked better... then she showed up out back alone, and since she was so skittish she never came alone. When I called her, she came to me and I saw how bad her eye was. I took her to the vet that night and found out she had warbles, or bot fly maggots living under her skin. One was under her eye and one qas just above her heinie hole (I like calling it that because I call it her Honey Heinie haha). The vet said she needed to stay inside until she healed or else she'd wind up with more. I named her Honey on the ride home because she didn't mind any of this so she reminded me of a honey badger, plus I love honey, it's the main reason I could never go vegan... I alternate between calling her Honey and Badger :)
Imediately I felt something special about her, but since she was going back outside I tried to ignore it.she was so scared she would hiss any time you came near her cage unless she was disctracted with food.
Then slowly she let me pet her, until she would cry to come out of her cage so she could lay with me.
I hate to toot my own horn, but my therapist thinks I don't value myself enough and I need to start recognizing the things I do... so I'm honestly quite proud of myself. I have really made a difference. My goal before winter is to adopt out the 3 kittens inside now (two of them already have homes when they are old enough), and spay/neuter the 4 kittens outside and find them homes. I still have 2 more adult cats outside to spay however one stopped coing around since her kittens took over the patio and the other rarely comes by so it could be challenging.
The first of the kittens to come inside was a kitten from Tuna's litter I called sick kitten, because her one eye had been swollen. She was very skittish but I managed to catch her and clean it off and for a few days it looked better... then she showed up out back alone, and since she was so skittish she never came alone. When I called her, she came to me and I saw how bad her eye was. I took her to the vet that night and found out she had warbles, or bot fly maggots living under her skin. One was under her eye and one qas just above her heinie hole (I like calling it that because I call it her Honey Heinie haha). The vet said she needed to stay inside until she healed or else she'd wind up with more. I named her Honey on the ride home because she didn't mind any of this so she reminded me of a honey badger, plus I love honey, it's the main reason I could never go vegan... I alternate between calling her Honey and Badger :)
Imediately I felt something special about her, but since she was going back outside I tried to ignore it.she was so scared she would hiss any time you came near her cage unless she was disctracted with food.
Then slowly she let me pet her, until she would cry to come out of her cage so she could lay with me.
I cried at the thought of her going back outside, so Jared and his mom agreed to keep her until me and him can move out. I still get to see her everyday, but I miss her sleeping with my every night.
Friday, June 6, 2014
It's been forever but I can't sleep because I have a migraine and a thousand thoughts running through my head. The migraine started at Angee's house and got so bad on the walk back to Jared's house that I actually fell asleep while he was still playing NHL. I couldn't even say how long I slept for because I don't remember falling alseep. I remember him excitedly telling me about how they were down 5 and managed to tie it up and then he was asking me if I was ready to go home so I could take something... oops.
Honestly, I don't know why this didn't happen sooner. Well I kind of do, there were a lot of reasons. We've always had chemistry from day one.. it made it harder to be as close to him as I was to my other friends because there was more there. However for nearly 3 years I (or we I guess although I'm not sure on his reasons besides he's a gentleman) managed to shove those feelings down and be just friends...
1. he was (is) young. nearly 4 years younger. When I met him he was only 18 and I knew he was too immature, even he admits that. Last summer we kissed, but he was just turning 21 and I was afraid he'd become some party animal that goes out all the time... I dn't know why I thought that, maybe because my most recent ex had put me through a lot of that and I figured a 21 yr old would be worse... so nothing became of it then and it almost destroyed our entire friendship... but we're strong and we figured it out even though we didn't talk for a month or so.
2. for a majority of that I was dating a controlling manipulative jerk. this is what I'm used to as my father wasn't the nicest to my mom growing up. a poor excuse, but he had me under his control and I felt I could do no better. I had heard more than once "do you think anyone else would want to put up with your bullshit? NO! You lose me and you'll have no one" and I believed it.
3. security. he's younger. I was afraid we were at different points in our life and by the time he was ready to settle down I'd be past baby making age or whatever. Honestly, this one is a mix of me being wrong and me not caring anymore. he's settled, and while neither of us is in the best financial spot right now, I don't care about that. we'll figure it out as we go. together :)
4. I was afraid of my family judging me for dating someone younger. I had a summer fling with a guy a year older than him when we first met and even though it was just fun and nothing serious my family still gave me a hard time... I wasn't wrong about this. when I first told my mom we were going on a date she said "but he's a baby!" however he's been so good to me that my mom is thrilled. he already met most of my family and they loved him right away. so while they were hesitant they quickly realized that him being younger isn't a big deal because we just make sense together.
another friend of mine is in a similar situation (honestly, seeing her and her now fiancee is partially what made me break up with my ex... I had feeling for Jared, but I was staying with my ex because I thought it was my last chance to move out and get married and have that life). I wish I could convince her to take the plunge and go for the guy she really cares for. but even if not, just get away from the guy she is with now because he's no good for her. and to anyone out there reading this... please only accept the love you deserve. don't let anyone put you down or control you. that's not love... I struggled with it for years and years, so many bad relationships that I insisted on staying it even though they tore me down.
anyway, I'm back in therapy. my therapist agreed I'm probably bipolar and have bpd tendencies. however she said that I amaze her more each time she comes in. that I've made huge strides in bettering myself and getting on a healthy train of thought. She said she'd no longer classify me as BPD because I'm able to recognize certain things.... after a fight with my mom this weekend even though I had the urge to cut, I instead went on a 2 mile walk to a Angelica Park to my favorite trail, then went on the trail to my favorite spot by the creek and meditated for a few hours. I even found a neat rock that is actually a brick worn down by the river into a smooth round thing.
other than that I've just been enjoying summer, my new boyfriend that actually builds me up and supports me, my friends, and my family :)
Honestly, I don't know why this didn't happen sooner. Well I kind of do, there were a lot of reasons. We've always had chemistry from day one.. it made it harder to be as close to him as I was to my other friends because there was more there. However for nearly 3 years I (or we I guess although I'm not sure on his reasons besides he's a gentleman) managed to shove those feelings down and be just friends...
1. he was (is) young. nearly 4 years younger. When I met him he was only 18 and I knew he was too immature, even he admits that. Last summer we kissed, but he was just turning 21 and I was afraid he'd become some party animal that goes out all the time... I dn't know why I thought that, maybe because my most recent ex had put me through a lot of that and I figured a 21 yr old would be worse... so nothing became of it then and it almost destroyed our entire friendship... but we're strong and we figured it out even though we didn't talk for a month or so.
2. for a majority of that I was dating a controlling manipulative jerk. this is what I'm used to as my father wasn't the nicest to my mom growing up. a poor excuse, but he had me under his control and I felt I could do no better. I had heard more than once "do you think anyone else would want to put up with your bullshit? NO! You lose me and you'll have no one" and I believed it.
3. security. he's younger. I was afraid we were at different points in our life and by the time he was ready to settle down I'd be past baby making age or whatever. Honestly, this one is a mix of me being wrong and me not caring anymore. he's settled, and while neither of us is in the best financial spot right now, I don't care about that. we'll figure it out as we go. together :)
4. I was afraid of my family judging me for dating someone younger. I had a summer fling with a guy a year older than him when we first met and even though it was just fun and nothing serious my family still gave me a hard time... I wasn't wrong about this. when I first told my mom we were going on a date she said "but he's a baby!" however he's been so good to me that my mom is thrilled. he already met most of my family and they loved him right away. so while they were hesitant they quickly realized that him being younger isn't a big deal because we just make sense together.
another friend of mine is in a similar situation (honestly, seeing her and her now fiancee is partially what made me break up with my ex... I had feeling for Jared, but I was staying with my ex because I thought it was my last chance to move out and get married and have that life). I wish I could convince her to take the plunge and go for the guy she really cares for. but even if not, just get away from the guy she is with now because he's no good for her. and to anyone out there reading this... please only accept the love you deserve. don't let anyone put you down or control you. that's not love... I struggled with it for years and years, so many bad relationships that I insisted on staying it even though they tore me down.
anyway, I'm back in therapy. my therapist agreed I'm probably bipolar and have bpd tendencies. however she said that I amaze her more each time she comes in. that I've made huge strides in bettering myself and getting on a healthy train of thought. She said she'd no longer classify me as BPD because I'm able to recognize certain things.... after a fight with my mom this weekend even though I had the urge to cut, I instead went on a 2 mile walk to a Angelica Park to my favorite trail, then went on the trail to my favorite spot by the creek and meditated for a few hours. I even found a neat rock that is actually a brick worn down by the river into a smooth round thing.
other than that I've just been enjoying summer, my new boyfriend that actually builds me up and supports me, my friends, and my family :)
silly face <3 br="">
Angee and Tyler
Jared and Dink
Ryan relaxing
Dink discovered his baby toys and wanted Jared to wear the goggles
hey, biting is my job!
walk on the Angelica Creek Trail
Stark!
Stark likes to bite too...
maybe I'll post more often, I'd like to take lots of pics this summer. I miss taking pics and even though Jared is not a fan of pictures he already said I can take all the pictures I want if it makes me happy. He makes me happy in general and I feel stupid for taking this long to allow myself this happiness, it's love.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
lately
TBH... I've been depressed. My sister said she is just updating with pictures and that sounded manageable and therapeutic in some way.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
My Thoughts on Free Bleeding
I feel like this will start as many free bleeding posts start, at least the ones I have read... I realized I always sort of practiced free bleeding, except maybe when my period was a new and terrifying thing.
you see I've always been "lazy" about products. I have a super heavy flow like the other two women in my family... changing a tampon as often as needed to prevent leaks got tiresome, and I was still messing up my panties. especially since we redid our bathroom and now have no cabinets. only a small cup with 2-3 tampons in it at a time. this doesn't last long during the special week in my house since my mom mostly synced up with me. when I go in there aren't usually any left. by the time I discover this I've already finished my business and I'm not about to go back out to the closet and get one and go back in the bathroom.
I have also found tampons make my cramps much worse. this isn't something I've seen many people discuss. I'm guessing it's because like my mother, most women don't really go without for long enough to notice. however after a few times without it began to make sense to me. I've found this true with most internal products, as I do have a cup as well, but I'll get to that.
I also dislike tampons because they make me "off". by that I mean I am prone to yeast infections and bv... something so simple as a tampon is enough sometimes.
Sleeping was always an issue for me... so many mornings in my teen years I woke up embarrassed by my stained panties, pajamas, and even sheets. pads never worked, so once I switched to tampons during the day I also wore them at night... they worked slightly better but the string would always do me in acting like a rope ladder for all the blood wishing to escape. after a while I'd get into bed and realize I forgot to put one in after my shower and figure why bother when it makes a mess anyway?
for me, the cons of tampons were quickly adding up. I found myself avoiding them more and more and not really having much more of a leakage problem than I did with them... how strange?
for christmas I asked for a menstrual cup... it works great... sometimes.
1. supposedly this cup is enough to hold your entire period. well I must be super bleeder or something because I HAVE overflowed the cup. by this I literally mean there was too much to be contained, not that I did not place it properly and it leaked.
2. I have a tilted uterus... this means that placing a cup is hard even on the best days. the best days you may ask? well you see your uterus is not cemented down. it sort of floats around in there and sometimes it's lower or higher or more tilted ect... frequently I can't even effectively wear my cup.
3. if it's not properly placed, it leaks. as I said I often can't get it in right with my tilted uterus, so it often leaks for me.
so after a few months of my cup working and then suddenly not I was really not ready to got back to tampons. so I didn't.
But how?! how is that possible with such a heavy flow? well, I'm fairly convinced this is what our bodies were designed to do, and all the products we use are a big scam (like douching really). they help "solve" a problem that wasn't really a problem in the first place.
sleeping is something I hear many women worry about... I am receiving my wonderful monthly gift right now, and last night I stayed at my boyfriend's house (and all weekend!). I slept last night with no protection from my womanly horror. I woke up... to completely clean sheets. clean underwear.
lets talk about the design of the vagina. I mean it's a very intricate thing, even though it may look like God was drunk while making it. the design generally keeps things inside... unless of course you have a nice little rope ladder leading the way out... or even an extra absorbent pad drawing it out like a magnet. without these things your blood is pretty content to stay inside. yes. even if you bleed heavily with a pad, you'll be fine without it, the pad draws it out of you!
lets think of it like those cups that have a hole for straws, the ones with little silicone flaps. if you hold it upside down it generally won't leak. really your vagina works in the same way... this also means that you can't hold it upside down forever without a leak.
so it's not perfect? well no, not exactly. just like tampons and pads, you'll probably have some slips. however, if you know your body, it's not very hard to prevent leaks.
I suggest everyone try it once, it really is freeing. but how? well...
invest in some cotton panties, dark or patterned help hide slip ups if you're worried about it. then start by going to the bathroom every hour. if you're good try every two hours... now is the part where I tell you that if you can't pee every two hours you are most likely dehydrated. I have a good heavy flow and 2hrs is usually good for me with minimum activity to not leak. if you're grossed out by your period you're probably not likely to try free bleeding anyway, but if you want to feel extra fresh you can use baby wipes... HOWEVER! it is important to use toilet paper AFTER. you want to be completely dry. this means wipe away all the blood and moisture. any left behind will work as an escape route for the blood inside.
really, that's it. you just need to learn your body and you'll figure out when you need to go to prevent leaks. see when you "go" it opens up your lady parts a bit and allows the build up to come out (probably more noticeable for a heavy flow). clean up afterward and you're good for another two hours or so.
I currently don't care about any of my panties, so I am lazy about preventing leaks. I never stain pants though... which is another reason I believe free bleeding is the way things are supposed to be, even with my laziness I have yet to stain jeans... which I did while using pads AND tampons. as a way to prove free bleeding can work better than tampons, next month I am going to free bleed the way you would use a tampon... basically with the ultimate goal to be not bleeding on my panties.
but why free bleeding you might ask? well... I am tired of being ashamed of my period. I'm tired of thinking of it as something gross. it's just blood. it means I'm a woman. it means I can create life. it's symbolism should be respected and embraced.
I can honestly say a leak from free bleeding isn't the same. I don't look at the red smear on my thigh and feel like a disgusting failure. when you stop treating your period as a sickness or problem the blood becomes less gross somehow. the red is just red, blood like any other blood on you... not leakage from something that is supposed to contain some horrible, embarrassing, monthly punishment.
so I encourage anyone reading to try the same... for long enough to really decide if it works for you, because it will take more than a day to get the hang of how your body works... and for those of you who worry about what your man will think... don't. I'm fairly certain all the "helpful" ways to deal with a period are the product of men deciding our periods were a problem in the first place. besides this, I'm convinced any man can be brought around to at least accept periods even if they don't necessarily embrace them.
I'll update next month with my experiences.
lastly, this has me thinking about how I'll handle my future daughter's period... maybe I'll get her a cup? I do understand that periods are confusing for a long time, and trying to free bleed in school would be embarrassing, stressful, and difficult as it takes a while to really know your body. I think I also my write a blog entry for my future daughter.
you see I've always been "lazy" about products. I have a super heavy flow like the other two women in my family... changing a tampon as often as needed to prevent leaks got tiresome, and I was still messing up my panties. especially since we redid our bathroom and now have no cabinets. only a small cup with 2-3 tampons in it at a time. this doesn't last long during the special week in my house since my mom mostly synced up with me. when I go in there aren't usually any left. by the time I discover this I've already finished my business and I'm not about to go back out to the closet and get one and go back in the bathroom.
I have also found tampons make my cramps much worse. this isn't something I've seen many people discuss. I'm guessing it's because like my mother, most women don't really go without for long enough to notice. however after a few times without it began to make sense to me. I've found this true with most internal products, as I do have a cup as well, but I'll get to that.
I also dislike tampons because they make me "off". by that I mean I am prone to yeast infections and bv... something so simple as a tampon is enough sometimes.
Sleeping was always an issue for me... so many mornings in my teen years I woke up embarrassed by my stained panties, pajamas, and even sheets. pads never worked, so once I switched to tampons during the day I also wore them at night... they worked slightly better but the string would always do me in acting like a rope ladder for all the blood wishing to escape. after a while I'd get into bed and realize I forgot to put one in after my shower and figure why bother when it makes a mess anyway?
for me, the cons of tampons were quickly adding up. I found myself avoiding them more and more and not really having much more of a leakage problem than I did with them... how strange?
for christmas I asked for a menstrual cup... it works great... sometimes.
1. supposedly this cup is enough to hold your entire period. well I must be super bleeder or something because I HAVE overflowed the cup. by this I literally mean there was too much to be contained, not that I did not place it properly and it leaked.
2. I have a tilted uterus... this means that placing a cup is hard even on the best days. the best days you may ask? well you see your uterus is not cemented down. it sort of floats around in there and sometimes it's lower or higher or more tilted ect... frequently I can't even effectively wear my cup.
3. if it's not properly placed, it leaks. as I said I often can't get it in right with my tilted uterus, so it often leaks for me.
so after a few months of my cup working and then suddenly not I was really not ready to got back to tampons. so I didn't.
But how?! how is that possible with such a heavy flow? well, I'm fairly convinced this is what our bodies were designed to do, and all the products we use are a big scam (like douching really). they help "solve" a problem that wasn't really a problem in the first place.
sleeping is something I hear many women worry about... I am receiving my wonderful monthly gift right now, and last night I stayed at my boyfriend's house (and all weekend!). I slept last night with no protection from my womanly horror. I woke up... to completely clean sheets. clean underwear.
lets talk about the design of the vagina. I mean it's a very intricate thing, even though it may look like God was drunk while making it. the design generally keeps things inside... unless of course you have a nice little rope ladder leading the way out... or even an extra absorbent pad drawing it out like a magnet. without these things your blood is pretty content to stay inside. yes. even if you bleed heavily with a pad, you'll be fine without it, the pad draws it out of you!
lets think of it like those cups that have a hole for straws, the ones with little silicone flaps. if you hold it upside down it generally won't leak. really your vagina works in the same way... this also means that you can't hold it upside down forever without a leak.
so it's not perfect? well no, not exactly. just like tampons and pads, you'll probably have some slips. however, if you know your body, it's not very hard to prevent leaks.
I suggest everyone try it once, it really is freeing. but how? well...
invest in some cotton panties, dark or patterned help hide slip ups if you're worried about it. then start by going to the bathroom every hour. if you're good try every two hours... now is the part where I tell you that if you can't pee every two hours you are most likely dehydrated. I have a good heavy flow and 2hrs is usually good for me with minimum activity to not leak. if you're grossed out by your period you're probably not likely to try free bleeding anyway, but if you want to feel extra fresh you can use baby wipes... HOWEVER! it is important to use toilet paper AFTER. you want to be completely dry. this means wipe away all the blood and moisture. any left behind will work as an escape route for the blood inside.
really, that's it. you just need to learn your body and you'll figure out when you need to go to prevent leaks. see when you "go" it opens up your lady parts a bit and allows the build up to come out (probably more noticeable for a heavy flow). clean up afterward and you're good for another two hours or so.
I currently don't care about any of my panties, so I am lazy about preventing leaks. I never stain pants though... which is another reason I believe free bleeding is the way things are supposed to be, even with my laziness I have yet to stain jeans... which I did while using pads AND tampons. as a way to prove free bleeding can work better than tampons, next month I am going to free bleed the way you would use a tampon... basically with the ultimate goal to be not bleeding on my panties.
but why free bleeding you might ask? well... I am tired of being ashamed of my period. I'm tired of thinking of it as something gross. it's just blood. it means I'm a woman. it means I can create life. it's symbolism should be respected and embraced.
I can honestly say a leak from free bleeding isn't the same. I don't look at the red smear on my thigh and feel like a disgusting failure. when you stop treating your period as a sickness or problem the blood becomes less gross somehow. the red is just red, blood like any other blood on you... not leakage from something that is supposed to contain some horrible, embarrassing, monthly punishment.
so I encourage anyone reading to try the same... for long enough to really decide if it works for you, because it will take more than a day to get the hang of how your body works... and for those of you who worry about what your man will think... don't. I'm fairly certain all the "helpful" ways to deal with a period are the product of men deciding our periods were a problem in the first place. besides this, I'm convinced any man can be brought around to at least accept periods even if they don't necessarily embrace them.
I'll update next month with my experiences.
lastly, this has me thinking about how I'll handle my future daughter's period... maybe I'll get her a cup? I do understand that periods are confusing for a long time, and trying to free bleed in school would be embarrassing, stressful, and difficult as it takes a while to really know your body. I think I also my write a blog entry for my future daughter.
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