I have so much anxiety lately, I need to call a therapist but I have too much anxiety to do that. So for now I'm going to blog about what I'm struggling with in hopes that at least getting it out in some way will help.
Today I'm struggling with Tulip. It happens, some days I just get stuck on it. I feel a lot of guilt at times. I'll always deep down feel like I failed. My last cat to accomplish all I had set out to do the first time. The cat that I had known longer than any of the others.... back when Tyler and I would see her running through the commons. The cat I named in honor of Bess, since Tulip is what I suggested my aunt name her. She was the last project left in Kenhorst Cats (for a while at least) and I failed.
I know the vet said even if we had brought her in earlier there was nothing they could do... but I'll always wonder. What if I brought her in that first day instead of hesitating to throw the blanket on her and whisk her away to the emergency vet? A few more scratches for me... but her? Maybe without the infection the surgery wouldn't have been so complicated. Maybe her ruptured uterus wouldn't have fallen so far down into her pelvis. Maybe would would have at least been able to save that last kitten. For Tulip I vow to always trust my instincts in rescues now and not hesitate. I'd rather be safe than sorry (or left wondering what if forever).
I feel like I failed Bess all over again... The first time, I knew she was sick. I knew it was the last time seeing her, but I also knew I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I told my mom as we left that I knew I was never going to see her again, my mom assured me my aunt was taking her to the vet the next day and everything would be just fine... but I insisted she was dying.
This time I had the chance, life wouldn't be so cruel as to make me slowly lose another cat and being able to do nothing about it. No, I just can't believe God would be that cruel.... and that's why I'll always feel that guilt, because I feel this was my chance to be able to do something about it and I blew it.
I'll never know. I remind myself the vet said it wouldn't have made a difference and I try to believe it, but I never fully will....
Friday, April 24, 2015
Saturday, February 28, 2015
God Listens
I think a lot of us as humans don't appreciate what we do have and spend too much time thinking about what we wish we had... I've been silently struggling with severe depression, and by silently I mean I've told very few people. I thought maybe reminding myself of all the great things I have and how lucky I am might help, at the very least maybe it will help anyone reading realize how good they have it too... even when we think we don't. however I know there is a difference between depression and being sad because life sucks, I've been struggling with both really.... so here it goes:
1. FAMILY.
LIFE (random things that may be parts of the others but didn't quite fit in my opinion)
1. FAMILY.
- I have a mother who has always been my rock. lately she's been living her own life so she hasn't been around as much for support, but I know if I reached out and told her I needed her she would be there in a heartbeat like she has been all my life... and honestly I couldn't be happier for her that she has finally found some happiness because she has not had it easy either.
- my relationship with my father has been improving greatly... and while there are some things I might never find it in my heart to fully forgive him for, he's still my dad and I love him. he's still here... and just like my mom I know if I told him I really needed him he would do everything he could to help me.
- Poppy... I know sometimes he drives me nuts and I complain, but I feel blessed to get to have him living with us. He's not young, and I a, thankful I get this time with him.... I know someday I'll appreciate it even more... he also spoils me, slipping me $10 here and there to help me get by or as he puts it "buy something nice for [myself]." He bought me contacts when mine were old and ruining my eyes. he got me luggage for the cruise....
- my sister.... how do I even put it into words? she is truly my other half. I know movies and everything tell you that your other half is your significant other, and I'm not saying that's not true. but there are different types of love and the love I share with my sister can never be broken. we've been through so much together and I know that no matter who walks out of my life she will always be there for me. through thick and thin, we've shared so many secrets, heartaches, and good times and no one could ever replace her.
- Tania is a new friend but she has proven time and time again to be a true friend, whether it be stopping by after her 2nd shift job because I couldn't be alone, being a shoulder for me to cry on, or just someone to goof around with, I am so glad we became friends.
- Tyler is an old friend at this point, and even though he's away at college he's still there with a snapchat to make me smile when I'm feeling down, a countdown until he comes home, and promises of late night walks to ease our troubled minds. he's truly a kindred spirit in many ways. he's seen me through some really tough times and helped me figure out what I really wanted.
- Brandi is another old friend who has been by my side though more in the nearly 4yrs I've known her than a lot of friendships see in their lifetime. from forcing me to go to the hospital when I almost died, to keeping me company late at night when my thought were too dark to be alone, I'd be lost without her. We have our fights, but we always work it out because that's what friends do.
- Katelyn has been MIA living her own life states away... but no one could ever take her place. she is also my kindred spirit and gopt in me in the sense that she understood she might never truly understand me and that's okay. we've shared so much I couldn't even begin to cover it all... I miss her everyday, but true friendships evolve when we grow as people.
- Dayna is another very old friend of mine that I don't get to see as often as I'd like.... she's not states away but she is married with a child on the way and is struggling with he own battles at the moment too. I've told her many times (and meant it) that no matter how long we go between hang out sessions I'malways just a phone call away if she needs me and I know she is too.
- Angee is an old friend that I grew apart from after high school, but we've recently become close again and I love her dearly. She has offered something truly selfless that could never be repaid should need be someday and I know I can always count on her too if I need her.
LIFE (random things that may be parts of the others but didn't quite fit in my opinion)
- I have a place to live, rent free.
- my parents pay from my cell phone (at 26, this is probably a big deal, and I probably don't thank them enough for it.... $35 a month is cheaper than a lot of cells phone bills but it's a lot of money to me and it means so much that they help me in this way)
- I have all the food I need... again, from my parents, free of charge.
- I started a cat rescue, which would be impossible if my parents hadn't been such loving and supportive people. it wouldn't be nearly as successful as it is without their help and the help of friends, family, and even strangers.
- I have 5 cats (well, more than that but those are mine). Anchovy, Tuna, and Honey being the newest additions as part of my shelter. Honey lives with Jared but greets me everyday like it was torture spending the night without me. Tuna is more reserved, but lays by me and follows me around. Anchovy may be the most loving of them all, she's always on me (and is the reason so any typos in this as she is flinging herself all over my lap purring as I type). She like to be held, which is exactly what I need a lot of times lately.... I feel like God sent her to me to help me through what I have been going through lately. Of course there is Eli, my old man.... another reserved cat but one of the most loyal cats I've ever met. I'm not the one who feeds him most of the time due to schedules, and I don't get to spend as much time with him as I'd like, but he's still and always will be a mama's boy. he's always happy to see me, and even though he's not a lap cat like Anchovy and Honey he will lay near me, meow for me to hold him, and paw at me to pet him. he doesn't like much hugging, but if i'm crying he always lets me use him as a pillow. Calypso is a hard one... I get bitter sometimes because I raised her and now she chooses my dad over me, but she is still my baby. I accept her through all her flaws and appreciate that, like me, she just has some issues.
- money. by no means am I rish... in fact I'm probably the definition of dirt poor... however I always have enough to get by somehow and that's all that matters to me.
- God. I have a HUGE thank you here.... not just from me just from Jared. his fins got lowered.... like a TON. meaning we can start our life together sooner... something I cannot wait for. he helped me survive the coma, a terrible car accident, and forgives me every time I mess up. he always finds a way to provide what I need. I try to thank God everyday, although I'm far from perfect. I try to pray not just when I need something but everyday to thank him for another day on this earth, and for providing all I need and more.... for giving me all these things I have to be thankful for.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
a look back on 2014
2014 started out... good?
I mean my new years eve last year was a mixed bag. I watched the fireworks at the fire tower with Dan and it was awesome. when we got back to his house his Dad was super nice to me and had a glass of champagne (the REAL stuff) already poured for me... but then, as usual, we fought.
more fights followed, he told me not to hangout with Jared alone (one of my best friends at the time who was always there for me, even almost picked me up at Dan's house at 3am one time after a fight). I was super depressed and barely left the house except to go to Dan's house where I was more miserable. Superbowl Sunday I was feeling pretty down so Jared asked me if I wanted to go with him to get snacks. it seems like a small thing, but it stands out in my mind a lot. even just walking around a super market I had more fun with him than I had had with Dan in a long time... while we were there Brandi (who also knew I was down) asked if I wanted to come over and invited Jared too. neither of us really expected him to come, but he did.
the following months go worse, I found out a huge secret Dan had been hiding from me and struggled with what to do after many fights. I broke up with him and he tried to win me back again. it almost worked until I took a step back and looked at things realistically. he was never going to change, and the few changes I saw were only to win me back... plus when I was honest with myself I had never stopped thinking about Jared since we kissed in summer of 13. Dan even tried saying he might take me to a concert he knew I'd want to see... he was disappointed when I informed him Jared was getting tickets to it for us already.
after I healed, figured out the lessons that I had to learn from another broken relationship, and moved on, I started to flirt more with Jared. I was so afraid I had missed my chance back in the summer of 13... to back track, Dan and I had broken up in late May. at a party in early July Jared and I were flirting and we kissed. a friend saw and made a big deal out of it so I was embarrassed and that was the end of that for the night. after a lot of thought we had a serious talk, one of the hardest talks of my life, and I decided I couldn't go farther with Jared. Dan was laying on the guilt thick, Jared was so young (just turning 21) and I was scared. I told Jared we would just be friends.... we didn't talk for a few months because he was really hurt, and I didn't want to push him so I waited and hoped he'd want to be friends eventually. obviously he did.
anyway, early May I started flirting with Jared. he didn't flirt back too much so when Tyler came home I dug for information. he liked me still, but didn't want to get hurt again.
I started to feel really sick all the time, like I might puke at any moment... who knew true love could do that? haha but seriously, any time I was near him I had a bag near me just in case. I never did puke but it made for a miserable few weeks.
we went to the concert while I was still feeling queezy, but it was amazing anyway. I got to see third eye blind again, plus the kongos, foster the people, bastille... we held hands at the concert and he even did the yawn/[ut his arm around me move.
after the concert he was still hesitant, so one night I told him I'd wait since he waited all this time for me. I told he that I wasn't going anywhere, I just wanted to be with him. I believe the next night we finally kissed again and shortly after we were together :)
he's been wonderful. he takes me out once a week, even if taco bell is all we can afford. we've gone to a few hockey games, a wrestling event where I got close enough to touch one of my favorite wrestlers. he supports everything I do, never makes me guilty for what I can't handle. he's patient and is extra understanding when I PMS... not once has he told me I'm exaggerating or that I need to control it. I am finally happy.
so there is my love life... as for everything else:
1. I started Kenhorst Cats, which is my pride and joy. I've probably raixsed around $1000 in donations
2. we've spayed 4 cats so far and found homes for 14 cats.
3. I nursed Honey and Nugget back to health more than a few times, both have severe tummy troubles.
4. I've lost 25lbs (give or take a lbs depending on the day). I did this through volleyball over the summer and honestly I think healthy happy relationships help me maintain a healthy weight.
5. I figured out a lot when it comes to my friends.... some good, some bad.
6. I kept my room mostly clean for most of the year, this one I'm very proud of... it's sort of been a reflection of my life. it's been less cluttered and stressful.
7. Kera and I have been trying to keep up with the blog... but it's hard haha. with some more organization I think 2015 will be a better year for it.
8. I worked a lot on my self confidence. I may not have a "job" but I opened my own freaking cat shelter. that's pretty awesome. I may not be a super model, but I worked hard and lost my extra weight and I think I look good.
9. I stopped shaving my pits. I have all sorts of pit problems and I think they might all be related to shaving.... so I'm done (even more credit to Jared for supporting me on this).
10. I built cat shelves for Honey which was the first thing I've built in a long time
so 2014 was pretty good year for me.... no where near perfect, but it's all in how you look at it. I'm looking forward to 2015 too :)
I mean my new years eve last year was a mixed bag. I watched the fireworks at the fire tower with Dan and it was awesome. when we got back to his house his Dad was super nice to me and had a glass of champagne (the REAL stuff) already poured for me... but then, as usual, we fought.
more fights followed, he told me not to hangout with Jared alone (one of my best friends at the time who was always there for me, even almost picked me up at Dan's house at 3am one time after a fight). I was super depressed and barely left the house except to go to Dan's house where I was more miserable. Superbowl Sunday I was feeling pretty down so Jared asked me if I wanted to go with him to get snacks. it seems like a small thing, but it stands out in my mind a lot. even just walking around a super market I had more fun with him than I had had with Dan in a long time... while we were there Brandi (who also knew I was down) asked if I wanted to come over and invited Jared too. neither of us really expected him to come, but he did.
the following months go worse, I found out a huge secret Dan had been hiding from me and struggled with what to do after many fights. I broke up with him and he tried to win me back again. it almost worked until I took a step back and looked at things realistically. he was never going to change, and the few changes I saw were only to win me back... plus when I was honest with myself I had never stopped thinking about Jared since we kissed in summer of 13. Dan even tried saying he might take me to a concert he knew I'd want to see... he was disappointed when I informed him Jared was getting tickets to it for us already.
after I healed, figured out the lessons that I had to learn from another broken relationship, and moved on, I started to flirt more with Jared. I was so afraid I had missed my chance back in the summer of 13... to back track, Dan and I had broken up in late May. at a party in early July Jared and I were flirting and we kissed. a friend saw and made a big deal out of it so I was embarrassed and that was the end of that for the night. after a lot of thought we had a serious talk, one of the hardest talks of my life, and I decided I couldn't go farther with Jared. Dan was laying on the guilt thick, Jared was so young (just turning 21) and I was scared. I told Jared we would just be friends.... we didn't talk for a few months because he was really hurt, and I didn't want to push him so I waited and hoped he'd want to be friends eventually. obviously he did.
anyway, early May I started flirting with Jared. he didn't flirt back too much so when Tyler came home I dug for information. he liked me still, but didn't want to get hurt again.
I started to feel really sick all the time, like I might puke at any moment... who knew true love could do that? haha but seriously, any time I was near him I had a bag near me just in case. I never did puke but it made for a miserable few weeks.
we went to the concert while I was still feeling queezy, but it was amazing anyway. I got to see third eye blind again, plus the kongos, foster the people, bastille... we held hands at the concert and he even did the yawn/[ut his arm around me move.
after the concert he was still hesitant, so one night I told him I'd wait since he waited all this time for me. I told he that I wasn't going anywhere, I just wanted to be with him. I believe the next night we finally kissed again and shortly after we were together :)
he's been wonderful. he takes me out once a week, even if taco bell is all we can afford. we've gone to a few hockey games, a wrestling event where I got close enough to touch one of my favorite wrestlers. he supports everything I do, never makes me guilty for what I can't handle. he's patient and is extra understanding when I PMS... not once has he told me I'm exaggerating or that I need to control it. I am finally happy.
so there is my love life... as for everything else:
1. I started Kenhorst Cats, which is my pride and joy. I've probably raixsed around $1000 in donations
2. we've spayed 4 cats so far and found homes for 14 cats.
3. I nursed Honey and Nugget back to health more than a few times, both have severe tummy troubles.
4. I've lost 25lbs (give or take a lbs depending on the day). I did this through volleyball over the summer and honestly I think healthy happy relationships help me maintain a healthy weight.
5. I figured out a lot when it comes to my friends.... some good, some bad.
6. I kept my room mostly clean for most of the year, this one I'm very proud of... it's sort of been a reflection of my life. it's been less cluttered and stressful.
7. Kera and I have been trying to keep up with the blog... but it's hard haha. with some more organization I think 2015 will be a better year for it.
8. I worked a lot on my self confidence. I may not have a "job" but I opened my own freaking cat shelter. that's pretty awesome. I may not be a super model, but I worked hard and lost my extra weight and I think I look good.
9. I stopped shaving my pits. I have all sorts of pit problems and I think they might all be related to shaving.... so I'm done (even more credit to Jared for supporting me on this).
10. I built cat shelves for Honey which was the first thing I've built in a long time
so 2014 was pretty good year for me.... no where near perfect, but it's all in how you look at it. I'm looking forward to 2015 too :)
Monday, January 12, 2015
Sea Sponge Tampons and Beauty Regimens
So, I'm still in love with my sea sponges (at my local pet store I paid almost $3 each and got 3.... but they last 6 months or so I've read... so not a bad deal). I still prefer to free bleed as much as possible, but it's super nice to have a back up for heavy days that I know doesn't have all sorts of chemicals and such...
anyway, I read an article about why women hate showering. I was pretty excited because I absolutely hate showering with the exception of back aches or cramps, in which case the hot water and massaging shower head are nice. However none of these reasons are why I hate showering except the last... lets go over them shall we?
1. Washing your hair.
now... this one IS one of the things I hate, not for the same reasons. I hate washing my hair because it takes forever and it's super thick and it's just going to be greasy the next day so it feels like a waste. sometimes I don't bother... sometimes I'll just throw it back on toss some baby powder in my roots and brush. good enough lol
and as for thick hair being lucky about grease? are you kidding me!? my hair looks greasy the next day too... maybe I went right over the optimal thickness into the too thick category?
2. Shaving
yeah... my issues with this one is , if you hate shaving so much why do it? right now it's winter, my legs haven't seen a razor in two months and I have a steady boyfriend. if a guy can't deal with your hairy legs at least in the winter he doesn't deserve you. I also recently decided I'm no longer shaving my pits, and it's been the most freeing decision ever. I tried dying them the other week but my dye didn't stick so it ended up cotton candy pink that faded to fleshy pink.... I'll be trying again with a better brand lol
3. Pricey hair products
no.... just no. I rarely put anything in my hair. when I do it's either coconut oil or my leave in conditioner spray I made but putting a few squirts of conditioner in a spray bottle and filling the rest with water. you won't need alll that stuff if you stop frying your hair daily!
4. After shower process
I'm sorry, but I can shower and put my makeup on in 10mins... 13 if it's summer and I have to shave my legs. 5mins if I'm not wearing makeup that day.
5. cold.
yes. but that's for anyone not just ladies ;)
anyway, I read an article about why women hate showering. I was pretty excited because I absolutely hate showering with the exception of back aches or cramps, in which case the hot water and massaging shower head are nice. However none of these reasons are why I hate showering except the last... lets go over them shall we?
1. Washing your hair.
now... this one IS one of the things I hate, not for the same reasons. I hate washing my hair because it takes forever and it's super thick and it's just going to be greasy the next day so it feels like a waste. sometimes I don't bother... sometimes I'll just throw it back on toss some baby powder in my roots and brush. good enough lol
and as for thick hair being lucky about grease? are you kidding me!? my hair looks greasy the next day too... maybe I went right over the optimal thickness into the too thick category?
2. Shaving
yeah... my issues with this one is , if you hate shaving so much why do it? right now it's winter, my legs haven't seen a razor in two months and I have a steady boyfriend. if a guy can't deal with your hairy legs at least in the winter he doesn't deserve you. I also recently decided I'm no longer shaving my pits, and it's been the most freeing decision ever. I tried dying them the other week but my dye didn't stick so it ended up cotton candy pink that faded to fleshy pink.... I'll be trying again with a better brand lol
3. Pricey hair products
no.... just no. I rarely put anything in my hair. when I do it's either coconut oil or my leave in conditioner spray I made but putting a few squirts of conditioner in a spray bottle and filling the rest with water. you won't need alll that stuff if you stop frying your hair daily!
4. After shower process
I'm sorry, but I can shower and put my makeup on in 10mins... 13 if it's summer and I have to shave my legs. 5mins if I'm not wearing makeup that day.
5. cold.
yes. but that's for anyone not just ladies ;)
Friday, January 9, 2015
Sea Sponge Tampons
My insurance company is refusing to cover the only type of birth control I can take, telling me I can take another one that I can't take.... so I've been experiencing my full force shark week again... which is awful. Even on the patch I have a heavy flow that last 5-6 days, I still get the occasional ovarian cyst and migraine... off everything I have endometriosis, ovarian cysts (which I'm beginning to think of PCOS), and 7+ days of heavy flow, migraines daily, horrible mood swings, and steady cramps starting a day or two before and only ending when the bleeding stops.
Since my flow is muuuuch heavier than my on the patch still heavy flow, I need something beyond my usual choice of free bleeding.
I had such hope for the cup, but it hurts me.... you see I have a tilted uterus, and no one bothers to tell you they don't work too well if you have a tilted uterus. I guess it should be assumed because how could a cup comfortably fit over your cervix if it's sitting sideways? well I'm not a doctor so I didn't think of that.
Recently I had heard about sea sponge tampons and decided to check them out... if you know anything about me it should be how frugal I am. those things are expensive! so instead I marched myself into my local pet store and grabbed a few natural sea sponges for hermit crab water. I soaked them in vinegar for a while and rinsed them thoroughly and bravely inserted not knowing if it would even work...
well it did. I am in love. I can't feel it, I've had no leaks despite the fact that I think I'm actually hemorrhaging... my only issue is if you don't ring it out really well first, when you sneeze or cough a few drops of the water you left in drip out and make you feel like you peed yourself... so next time I inserted I squeezed more water out and haven't had that problem since :)
I've only used it for one day, so I'll update again in a few days, but so far I think I've found my solution for when I can't free bleed!
Since my flow is muuuuch heavier than my on the patch still heavy flow, I need something beyond my usual choice of free bleeding.
I had such hope for the cup, but it hurts me.... you see I have a tilted uterus, and no one bothers to tell you they don't work too well if you have a tilted uterus. I guess it should be assumed because how could a cup comfortably fit over your cervix if it's sitting sideways? well I'm not a doctor so I didn't think of that.
Recently I had heard about sea sponge tampons and decided to check them out... if you know anything about me it should be how frugal I am. those things are expensive! so instead I marched myself into my local pet store and grabbed a few natural sea sponges for hermit crab water. I soaked them in vinegar for a while and rinsed them thoroughly and bravely inserted not knowing if it would even work...
well it did. I am in love. I can't feel it, I've had no leaks despite the fact that I think I'm actually hemorrhaging... my only issue is if you don't ring it out really well first, when you sneeze or cough a few drops of the water you left in drip out and make you feel like you peed yourself... so next time I inserted I squeezed more water out and haven't had that problem since :)
I've only used it for one day, so I'll update again in a few days, but so far I think I've found my solution for when I can't free bleed!
Monday, November 17, 2014
Crazy Cat Lady
I think I have officially become the crazy cat lady of Kenhorst.... or maybe not officially yet? maybe that will be when I fully understand the process and get up the guts to become an actual not for profit organization?
Either way over the past few months I have brought into my room 13 different cats. I have spayed 4 of them and will be spaying 2 more in the near future. I have found homes for all 13 of those cats... Two I'm keeping, both mom cats, one my boyfriend and I adopted so she lives with him for now, one my parents took in. One my aunt adopted. The rest was all hard work; networking and such. Picking through emails to find just the right homes. I've had to say goodbye 6 times so far and will have 4 more goodbyes when my current litter (which is almost 4 weeks old!) are old enough right after Christmas.
My room is no longer my room. It is our room. It is Kenhorst Cat's room. There is litter constantly sticking to my feet no matter how often I sweep. It often smells at least a little no matter how often I scoop since there have been 4+ cats living in my room for the better part of 3 months. There are toys scattered all over. I always have to watch my step. My clothes sometimes smell because my room smells and after all the work of caring for the cats I'm just too exhausted to rewash already clean clothes just because cat smell has leached into them...
I've lost countless hours of sleep, waking up early to trap, staying up all night because a tiny kitten was sick and needed TLC, staying up to make sure the newly spayed girls were okay and didn't rip their stitches out, being kept up because cats are nocturnal and 4am is actually the perfect time to play with the very loud jingly ball.
This last litter wasn't dropped at my door, I had to trespass,crawl through garbage, and then crawl through a hole between huge metal pieces of something and huge pieces of wood in a tiny shed just to get to them. I ended up with bruises all up and down my arms and legs the worst being on my inner upper thigh when a piece of metal caught me and I had to fight to get free, it's a pretty nasty bruise. I got all scratched up when I had to catch Tuna so she could nurse her litter...
I have no real free time, because any time spent away I could be called home ASAP because of a kitten emergency. One kitten I nursed back from the brink of death twice. Nugget, now Lola, who was adopted by my aunt and uncle. When she first arrived she was not doing well... she was the runt and had been away from her mother for hours because the mother was getting spayed (and I thought the kittens were a tad older than they were). She needed extra hand feedings in addition to nursing and had an eye infection. A few weeks later when she was recovered fully I was with my friends when I was called home because she was barely moving, wouldn't eat, wouldn't even respond. Her breathing was labored when I got home so we rushed her to the emergency vet, she almost died on the way there. She was given IV fluids and I stayed up all night giving her KMR and pedialyte. The next day another vet trip, antibiotics, more IV fluids, and around the clock care for me (back to feeding every 2 hours as if she were still an unweaned baby). Yet again, she pulled through... she's a tough little girl.
I have no money anymore because my money has become Kenhorst Cats money... genuinely at least 90% of my own money goes to the cats. I love donations because I don't make much so donations mean I can do more for the cats.
I say all this not as a rant. Not to complain. I wouldn't trade these past few months for anything. I've helped the cats, but they have greatly helped me. As I said in my last post I've been struggling, but they make me get up everyday because they need to eat and be cared for. They give me unconditional love.... and nothing has been more rewarding than finally winning over a scared stray who has never had a human to trust. Anchovy especially, we've formed a bond. She may still hide from everyone else, but she lays on my lap and in my bed. She lets me hold her, and hug her when I cry. She greets me so excitedly every morning... she really has gotten me through quite a few rough days.
So to those of you who are offended when my clothes smell, or get upset that I don't have money to "do" things, or think I'm crazy (and maybe I am)... if you don't support me I don't need you in my life, because I'm finally proud of what I'm doing and I wouldn't trade my life for anything right now <3 br="">
Either way over the past few months I have brought into my room 13 different cats. I have spayed 4 of them and will be spaying 2 more in the near future. I have found homes for all 13 of those cats... Two I'm keeping, both mom cats, one my boyfriend and I adopted so she lives with him for now, one my parents took in. One my aunt adopted. The rest was all hard work; networking and such. Picking through emails to find just the right homes. I've had to say goodbye 6 times so far and will have 4 more goodbyes when my current litter (which is almost 4 weeks old!) are old enough right after Christmas.
My room is no longer my room. It is our room. It is Kenhorst Cat's room. There is litter constantly sticking to my feet no matter how often I sweep. It often smells at least a little no matter how often I scoop since there have been 4+ cats living in my room for the better part of 3 months. There are toys scattered all over. I always have to watch my step. My clothes sometimes smell because my room smells and after all the work of caring for the cats I'm just too exhausted to rewash already clean clothes just because cat smell has leached into them...
I've lost countless hours of sleep, waking up early to trap, staying up all night because a tiny kitten was sick and needed TLC, staying up to make sure the newly spayed girls were okay and didn't rip their stitches out, being kept up because cats are nocturnal and 4am is actually the perfect time to play with the very loud jingly ball.
This last litter wasn't dropped at my door, I had to trespass,crawl through garbage, and then crawl through a hole between huge metal pieces of something and huge pieces of wood in a tiny shed just to get to them. I ended up with bruises all up and down my arms and legs the worst being on my inner upper thigh when a piece of metal caught me and I had to fight to get free, it's a pretty nasty bruise. I got all scratched up when I had to catch Tuna so she could nurse her litter...
I have no real free time, because any time spent away I could be called home ASAP because of a kitten emergency. One kitten I nursed back from the brink of death twice. Nugget, now Lola, who was adopted by my aunt and uncle. When she first arrived she was not doing well... she was the runt and had been away from her mother for hours because the mother was getting spayed (and I thought the kittens were a tad older than they were). She needed extra hand feedings in addition to nursing and had an eye infection. A few weeks later when she was recovered fully I was with my friends when I was called home because she was barely moving, wouldn't eat, wouldn't even respond. Her breathing was labored when I got home so we rushed her to the emergency vet, she almost died on the way there. She was given IV fluids and I stayed up all night giving her KMR and pedialyte. The next day another vet trip, antibiotics, more IV fluids, and around the clock care for me (back to feeding every 2 hours as if she were still an unweaned baby). Yet again, she pulled through... she's a tough little girl.
I have no money anymore because my money has become Kenhorst Cats money... genuinely at least 90% of my own money goes to the cats. I love donations because I don't make much so donations mean I can do more for the cats.
I say all this not as a rant. Not to complain. I wouldn't trade these past few months for anything. I've helped the cats, but they have greatly helped me. As I said in my last post I've been struggling, but they make me get up everyday because they need to eat and be cared for. They give me unconditional love.... and nothing has been more rewarding than finally winning over a scared stray who has never had a human to trust. Anchovy especially, we've formed a bond. She may still hide from everyone else, but she lays on my lap and in my bed. She lets me hold her, and hug her when I cry. She greets me so excitedly every morning... she really has gotten me through quite a few rough days.
So to those of you who are offended when my clothes smell, or get upset that I don't have money to "do" things, or think I'm crazy (and maybe I am)... if you don't support me I don't need you in my life, because I'm finally proud of what I'm doing and I wouldn't trade my life for anything right now <3 br="">
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Thankful.
I am struggling (and not just struggling to type this post because there is a cat on my lap gnawing my arm).
I am struggling with a lot of things. I'm 26 and still live at home with my parents. I feel like a burden.
I am struggling with the realization that some of my closest friends are hardly even friends anymore. I hardly see them. Some make plans that always fall through for some reason or another. Some are too busy with new found love. Some live so far away they just can't be here.... I feel so utterly alone most of the time.
I am struggling as I see everyone around me getting the only things I've ever cared about... engagements, weddings, babies. I try not to be jealous, but I am. Its hurts.
I am struggling with the rape. Every night is a nightmare where his smirk looms over me and I relive every graphic details I try to hard to forget. I struggle because I am stuck with all of this - the countless emotional scars, the flashbacks from the tiniest trigger, the fear of parties or even small get together or anyone drinking, the nightmares, the coming and going feeling of how violated I was, the constant feeling of being damaged goods... while he walks free and feels no remorse. Some days the feeling of violation is as fresh as the moment it happened. Some days I want nothing more that to cover myself in loose sweats and a hoodie because the mere thought of a man looking at me in a sexual way is just too violating.I struggle to love myself, to consider myself as strong as everyone says I am when I didn't even have the strength to scream for help... looking back I know that was best, I may have very well died that night had I done so, and my now boyfriend would have nearly beat the rapist to death and be in jail for it. I try not to be so hard or myself, I was scared and for some of it I was numb as if I left my body.... but it's hard to not blame myself when he is free to violate someone else the way he did me. Would my life have been worth that? To save another girl or woman from suffering the way I do everyday?
I struggle with my hallucinations, which are strong these days thanks to all the stress. I struggle with the panic attacks that happen daily now. I struggle because so few understand. I struggle because my extended family judges me... and my understanding parents. I want so badly to explain to them everything I go through on a daily basis. I want to tell them of the rape. Maybe then they would understand.
Through all this I try to remain thankful. I am thankful for my family, who is so understanding of everything I deal with. I am Thankful for my boyfriend who just holds me while I cry on the days I really struggle and does everything he can to make everyday good. I am thankful for my cats... Eli who is always my baby, Calypso who is psychotic and only likes me about 10% of the time. I am thankful to all the support I have gotten since starting Kenhorst Cats. I'm thankful my parents have been so supportive, allowing me to take in strays while I try to find them homes and letting me keep Anchovy. I am thankfully for Kenhorst Cats in general as it keeps me busy and keeps my mind from slipping to the darker thoughts too often. I am Thankful for Anchovy, she was basically feral, but now she is my lap cat and sleeps with me every night. She greets me every morning or anytime I come into my room with a playful and excited chirp. I am thankful for Honey, who is one of the snuggliest cats I've ever known, and thankful for my boyfriend and his mom for taking her in for me. I am thankful for my true friends who are there for me every time they can be. I am thankful for my sister who is always there for me and truly is my other half.
When I struggle I try to remind myself of all the good. Nothing will ever make up for the rape... but there are still good things in life, and you just have to focus on those during the tough times. There is always something to be thankful for.
I am struggling with a lot of things. I'm 26 and still live at home with my parents. I feel like a burden.
I am struggling with the realization that some of my closest friends are hardly even friends anymore. I hardly see them. Some make plans that always fall through for some reason or another. Some are too busy with new found love. Some live so far away they just can't be here.... I feel so utterly alone most of the time.
I am struggling as I see everyone around me getting the only things I've ever cared about... engagements, weddings, babies. I try not to be jealous, but I am. Its hurts.
I am struggling with the rape. Every night is a nightmare where his smirk looms over me and I relive every graphic details I try to hard to forget. I struggle because I am stuck with all of this - the countless emotional scars, the flashbacks from the tiniest trigger, the fear of parties or even small get together or anyone drinking, the nightmares, the coming and going feeling of how violated I was, the constant feeling of being damaged goods... while he walks free and feels no remorse. Some days the feeling of violation is as fresh as the moment it happened. Some days I want nothing more that to cover myself in loose sweats and a hoodie because the mere thought of a man looking at me in a sexual way is just too violating.I struggle to love myself, to consider myself as strong as everyone says I am when I didn't even have the strength to scream for help... looking back I know that was best, I may have very well died that night had I done so, and my now boyfriend would have nearly beat the rapist to death and be in jail for it. I try not to be so hard or myself, I was scared and for some of it I was numb as if I left my body.... but it's hard to not blame myself when he is free to violate someone else the way he did me. Would my life have been worth that? To save another girl or woman from suffering the way I do everyday?
I struggle with my hallucinations, which are strong these days thanks to all the stress. I struggle with the panic attacks that happen daily now. I struggle because so few understand. I struggle because my extended family judges me... and my understanding parents. I want so badly to explain to them everything I go through on a daily basis. I want to tell them of the rape. Maybe then they would understand.
Through all this I try to remain thankful. I am thankful for my family, who is so understanding of everything I deal with. I am Thankful for my boyfriend who just holds me while I cry on the days I really struggle and does everything he can to make everyday good. I am thankful for my cats... Eli who is always my baby, Calypso who is psychotic and only likes me about 10% of the time. I am thankful to all the support I have gotten since starting Kenhorst Cats. I'm thankful my parents have been so supportive, allowing me to take in strays while I try to find them homes and letting me keep Anchovy. I am thankfully for Kenhorst Cats in general as it keeps me busy and keeps my mind from slipping to the darker thoughts too often. I am Thankful for Anchovy, she was basically feral, but now she is my lap cat and sleeps with me every night. She greets me every morning or anytime I come into my room with a playful and excited chirp. I am thankful for Honey, who is one of the snuggliest cats I've ever known, and thankful for my boyfriend and his mom for taking her in for me. I am thankful for my true friends who are there for me every time they can be. I am thankful for my sister who is always there for me and truly is my other half.
When I struggle I try to remind myself of all the good. Nothing will ever make up for the rape... but there are still good things in life, and you just have to focus on those during the tough times. There is always something to be thankful for.
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