I got a bit off track after being sick, but I'm updating tonight which is already an improvement.
Tyler was home this weekend which I started off being sick, but by Saturday night I was well enough to be there for a boys night. It was fun, I played beer pong and wasn't awful, but definitely wasn't great (maybe that's a game you need to be drunk to play well?)
Sunday I made mahi mahi in a delicious orange ginger glaze, mmmm.... and we all went over to Angee's to watch the last episode of AHS Freak Show.
Yesterday I was extremely over whelmed all day, bordering on dissociation. Jared's mom wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday, so we went to Jumbo China for sushi <3 a="" afterward="" and="" at="" because="" could="" did="" find="" i="" if="" jared="" later="" mask="" more="" ollies="" on="" see="" sleep="" stopped="" style="font-weight: bold;" that="" they="" to="" wanted="">not
find a sleep mask, but I did find a nice little mat to put under Honey's water bowl since her favorite game is "lets fling water out of our bowl until the rug is soaked" but I decided it wasn't absorbent enough and instead I'm using it for big Daddy's food so he doesn't have to eat on the cold cement. So far he's been standing next to it to eat.
On the ride home I felt almost like I was about to have little neck twitch, but instead I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head and felt myself leave my body. It only lasted a few seconds if that, but when I came back to my body I felt like I had just woken up. I wasn't overwhelmed anymore and everything felt oddly.... normal? I keep waiting for it to come back, that overwhelmed feeling, like the entire world is carrying on around me but I'm absent. I've grown so used to that feeling that I just don't believe it's really gone for good. Regardless I'm enjoying the time I have without it.
Today I was very productive, I cleaned my fish tank and brought in all 7 of the outside fish, Tuna is thrilled. After that Jared picked me up and we went grocery shopping at Aldi. It was so easy with a present mind, I don't think I forgot anything! When we got back and unloaded the groceries he had a therapy appointment, so I split up the chicken before freezing and got the pizza ready so it would be mostly done when he got home.... well and played a bit of Halo ;)
Positive thoughts. I need to enjoy the good times, live in the present.... and if the bad feelings return remember the good times, and remind myself it will pass again. PTSD is a roller coaster so I will have ups and downs, just don't give up during the downs;
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
a shell of my former self....
....and figuring out how to fill it back up.
I've been a shell of my former self for so long now, I don't know how I got here or even where to begin to get it back. I feel like in sims when you fast forward too much and when you slow down your sims managed to mess up everything while on autopilot. I understand now why my cousin calls the last few years the lost years.... it truly feels like that.
it's odd, because I'm honestly still on autopilot a good 75% of the time, but I've slowed down enough to realize I'm missing chunks of my life. I'm still figuring it out... where did the time go? what do I do now? how to I get my life back? how do I stop from going back into autopilot mode?
I think it's a defense mechanism. When I get even the tiniest bit of stress my brain goes on a mini vacation. My body is present but my mind is gone. The funny thing is how good at faking it your body becomes. How people around you don't even notice that you're not there. I mean I am suddenly coming to and I want to scream at everyone how did you not notice I was missing?! I know, it's one of those things where you believe what you want to believe. it's so much easier to believe a loved one is fine, especially when you're caught up in enjoying your own life. My body was present and going through the motions of life so why would anyone think I wasn't really there?
I'm trying to explain this to myself honestly.... it's sort of like being sucked out to sea. I've been floating out there for a long time now and I'm finally getting close enough to see land, but then I get sucked under and confused and can't even tell which way is up to swim and get air. I struggle and swim towards shore only to get swept back out again. I can see everyone I know and love just sitting on the beach but I have no idea how to get back, it's all I can do not to drown sometimes. I just want someone to throw me a life preserver but it's like when someone is drowning but you can't tell if they're swimming or drowning so no one even notices.
I'll be sitting there and I notice everything... every instrument in a song that is playing much too loudly on the radio. it doesn't sound like a song, though, when you pick apart all the instruments. I can hear every noise the car is making, even the road under the tires and the gravel popping out from under them as we slow down to a stop. I can hear the birds in the tree, and you trying to talk over the radio. I notice that squirrel on the tree that has a weird knot in the trunk and 3 branches before the rest disappears into the leaves. I notice the seven doves at that green bird feeder in yard of the third house from the corner. I notice the red car behind us, and the blonde woman driving it who doesn't seem to know how far back she ought to stop. I notice the white car pulling up to the stop sign on the intersecting street and how he barely seems to be paying attention because he didn't stop soon enough in my opinion. I notice the stripes of his shirt, 3 tiny stripes in navy with white in between, then a thick green stripe. I notice the sun coming out from behind the clouds and how bright it's getting. I notice the burning smell coming from one of the cars near us.... or is that us? I hope it's not us... I notice your cologne. I notice the weight of my shirt and exactly where on my chest and back it's brushing my skin. I notice how tight my jeans are on my thighs. I notice every hair out of place and every hair blowing in the breeze against my face... it tickles, but I can't scratch it because I can also feel the makeup on my face and I hate how chalky and cakey it feels when I touch it. I can feel the mascara on my eye lashes and my eyelashes grazing my eyebrow. My heart starts to race, I can even hear my heartbeat. How can no one else be over whelmed by all the things going on right now?! How can you just be sitting there like nothing is happening? ....and then you continue driving because that was only a stop sign.
Then everything drifts to a dreamlike state and before I know it I'm at home in bed after a full day passing or even more, barely remembering any of it.... and then people get upset when I don't know the date or the day of the week or that I forgot to wash the cat dishes or haven't cleaned in 2 weeks or that I didn't text them in 4 days.... and all I can do is sit there and say sorry because I didn't even notice time was going by.
I desperately want to be better. I don't want to dissociate anymore. it's terrifying to be missing parts of your life.... but I'm thankful I at least have slowed down enough to realize I'm missing a lot of time.
I'm going to try a diary.... maybe even updating on here. if I force myself to write down what happened that day and how it made me feel maybe my brain will have to be more present? I know some days that will be too hard... on those days I'll try for at least a few words or on here some pictures.
I've been a shell of my former self for so long now, I don't know how I got here or even where to begin to get it back. I feel like in sims when you fast forward too much and when you slow down your sims managed to mess up everything while on autopilot. I understand now why my cousin calls the last few years the lost years.... it truly feels like that.
it's odd, because I'm honestly still on autopilot a good 75% of the time, but I've slowed down enough to realize I'm missing chunks of my life. I'm still figuring it out... where did the time go? what do I do now? how to I get my life back? how do I stop from going back into autopilot mode?
I think it's a defense mechanism. When I get even the tiniest bit of stress my brain goes on a mini vacation. My body is present but my mind is gone. The funny thing is how good at faking it your body becomes. How people around you don't even notice that you're not there. I mean I am suddenly coming to and I want to scream at everyone how did you not notice I was missing?! I know, it's one of those things where you believe what you want to believe. it's so much easier to believe a loved one is fine, especially when you're caught up in enjoying your own life. My body was present and going through the motions of life so why would anyone think I wasn't really there?
I'm trying to explain this to myself honestly.... it's sort of like being sucked out to sea. I've been floating out there for a long time now and I'm finally getting close enough to see land, but then I get sucked under and confused and can't even tell which way is up to swim and get air. I struggle and swim towards shore only to get swept back out again. I can see everyone I know and love just sitting on the beach but I have no idea how to get back, it's all I can do not to drown sometimes. I just want someone to throw me a life preserver but it's like when someone is drowning but you can't tell if they're swimming or drowning so no one even notices.
I'll be sitting there and I notice everything... every instrument in a song that is playing much too loudly on the radio. it doesn't sound like a song, though, when you pick apart all the instruments. I can hear every noise the car is making, even the road under the tires and the gravel popping out from under them as we slow down to a stop. I can hear the birds in the tree, and you trying to talk over the radio. I notice that squirrel on the tree that has a weird knot in the trunk and 3 branches before the rest disappears into the leaves. I notice the seven doves at that green bird feeder in yard of the third house from the corner. I notice the red car behind us, and the blonde woman driving it who doesn't seem to know how far back she ought to stop. I notice the white car pulling up to the stop sign on the intersecting street and how he barely seems to be paying attention because he didn't stop soon enough in my opinion. I notice the stripes of his shirt, 3 tiny stripes in navy with white in between, then a thick green stripe. I notice the sun coming out from behind the clouds and how bright it's getting. I notice the burning smell coming from one of the cars near us.... or is that us? I hope it's not us... I notice your cologne. I notice the weight of my shirt and exactly where on my chest and back it's brushing my skin. I notice how tight my jeans are on my thighs. I notice every hair out of place and every hair blowing in the breeze against my face... it tickles, but I can't scratch it because I can also feel the makeup on my face and I hate how chalky and cakey it feels when I touch it. I can feel the mascara on my eye lashes and my eyelashes grazing my eyebrow. My heart starts to race, I can even hear my heartbeat. How can no one else be over whelmed by all the things going on right now?! How can you just be sitting there like nothing is happening? ....and then you continue driving because that was only a stop sign.
Then everything drifts to a dreamlike state and before I know it I'm at home in bed after a full day passing or even more, barely remembering any of it.... and then people get upset when I don't know the date or the day of the week or that I forgot to wash the cat dishes or haven't cleaned in 2 weeks or that I didn't text them in 4 days.... and all I can do is sit there and say sorry because I didn't even notice time was going by.
I desperately want to be better. I don't want to dissociate anymore. it's terrifying to be missing parts of your life.... but I'm thankful I at least have slowed down enough to realize I'm missing a lot of time.
I'm going to try a diary.... maybe even updating on here. if I force myself to write down what happened that day and how it made me feel maybe my brain will have to be more present? I know some days that will be too hard... on those days I'll try for at least a few words or on here some pictures.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Please understand...
for a while now I have been having these episodes where I don't fee like me.... I've struggled to explain it because I'm not great with words and while it's happening I'm too overwhelmed and when it's gone it's even harder to find the words to describe it. The other night I was killing time sitting in the living room because lately spending more time in my lonely room than I have to is just torture when I figured some words to google and I actually found a name for it. two words actually.... depersonalization and derealization. for me it mostly happens together, but when I'm lucky it will just be the depersonalization.
I'll try my best to walk you through it because I certainly hope no one reading this has ever experience it.
there are two ways it starts....
1. my heart starts to race as if I'm going to have a panic attack (sometimes that does happen with it) and slowly I can't feel much of my body in a way. I don't feel like I'm in it. I can't feel my feet on the ground or the weight of myself... I know that sounds hard to grasp, like I might be describing my limbs go numb, but that's not it. more like they are someone else's limbs. yes if you poke me I'll feel it, but my brain doesn't process it how it normally would, and it just feels weird partly because I don't feel attached to what I am feeling and partially because touch itself doesn't feel normal... the worst part may be talking though. everyone elses words are like having 20tv shows on at once at max volume. my own voice is no controlled.... the speed, the volume, even pronunciations. I tried to say banana the other day and instead it came out at berna.
2. is more like BAM! you don't notice it. you're fine, then you go to talk and suddenly the words feel and sound like they come from someone else and they don't come out the way they should. as I mentioned banana earlier, that was actually a sudden episode. I was getting out of the car trying to tell jared I had brought along a banana for a snack and managed "broughta berna" I then say back in the car for a few seconds trying not to panic.... normally when things happen like that you're having a stroke so it's a bit jarring. it's scary when the words you are trying to say are not coming out how they should, and your brain doesn't process them as if they have come from your mouth. feeling like you're on the outside looking in when it comes to your body is one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced.
now from there it can go two ways... it might slowly fade out until I feel like I'm back in my body, sort of like my soul just went for a little stroll elsewhere.
if it doesn't come back I'll start to notice I'm having trouble focusing on any one thing, sort of like my eyeballs are twitchy and when I try to focus on something it looks like it's shaking or something. this is the derealization beginning... this is the big guns. soon the whole world feels like a dream. I can't focus and nothing seems real. I could be at the most beautiful spot on earth, but I'm unable to take in the beauty because it just feels like a foggy dream that I can't focus on. everything seems pointless and fake. pointless. and. fake. this is where I get scared, and I have a tough time writing this because I don't want to upset anyone that reads this, but I need to get out what I'm feeling....
at this point I get really upset. my body isn't mine. I'm an alien in it and it obviously doesn't want me in control. everything seems meaningless. insignificant. everything. I feel like I am dead. like I am a ghost stuck here.... and I don't think I could ever actually kill myself, but going through this I understand why people get to that point. sometimes during an episode that seems like a perfectly reasonable action to take, especially since I don't feel alive anyway. death seems insignificant... more of a what if... what if I jumped in front of this truck? what if I jumped out this window? ...what if I slit my wrists? but I stop there, because that one scares me. maybe because it's more real for me? regardless I understand the action, and that scares me. it feels like any release from this half life would be great. like maybe when you die you'd feel something instead of just numbness.
so that's a typical episode.... or as best as I could describe it. now throw in that this is all triggered by anxiety and my senses are in overdrive. I cannot stop thinking and thinking everything. I'm stuck in my head, in my own little world. so much so that I have actually missed minutes at a time... I have no idea where they went, but chunks of time are missing from my days.
to whom it concern, I hope that helps. Please understand I'm not trying to make anyone upset by being thoughtless lately. it's quite the oposite actually, I have SO many flight or fight thoughts going on in my head about things that happened 4yrs ago and things that could happen, I just forgot that one thing you wanted me to remember.... and it's not even a lot to remember, I shouldn't have any problem doing so because you're not asking a lot.... but I did forget and I'm sorry. and lately I feel like I am made of glass. one criticism on top of an episode and I'll just shatter into a million pieces. I am not mad, I just take it all to heart. I can't help it. I feel like I'm slowly losing myself. like every episode takes a bit more of a me with it.... when I'm reminded I let it mess something else up again I just lose it on the inside. I try to keep it together and tel you I'll do it next time, and maybe I manage that at least... but on the inside it is, "seriously you moron? you couldn't manage to do even that one little thing? you let them down again. you let everyone down. you let yourself down and now there is going to be nothing left"
today we went to my friend's house to watch an episode of AHS and I nearly had to leave before we got inside because I was having an episode mixed with a panic attack...because the anxiety of going to my good friend's house was just too much for me.
I feel like I'm drowning. like everyone else is swimming.... but I don't know how to swim and they make it look so easy. I want nothing more than to feel normal again. to feel again. I must be keeping it together well on the outside because only Jared and Brandi ask me how I'm doing.... Brandi as a blanket statement because she knows I have many issues, but Jared is genuinely good at telling how I'm doing.
that's where some of my anxiety is coming from.... my family is so caught up in their own lives I'm not sure they even notice I'm fighting for my life. my sister has a baby on the way so she needs to be happy. I try ot talk to my mom but she is enjoying her new life with her boyfriend.... so she's not home much. when I try to talk to her she seems annoyed so I mostly don't now.... and dad... well he's not great to talk to. everything is changing. I'm scared because Kera is having a baby, mom is moving out, and I'm getting kicked out. I don't even know where I'll live, homeless shelters don't allow cats. everything is changing and I'm going to be left in the dust....
I'll try my best to walk you through it because I certainly hope no one reading this has ever experience it.
there are two ways it starts....
1. my heart starts to race as if I'm going to have a panic attack (sometimes that does happen with it) and slowly I can't feel much of my body in a way. I don't feel like I'm in it. I can't feel my feet on the ground or the weight of myself... I know that sounds hard to grasp, like I might be describing my limbs go numb, but that's not it. more like they are someone else's limbs. yes if you poke me I'll feel it, but my brain doesn't process it how it normally would, and it just feels weird partly because I don't feel attached to what I am feeling and partially because touch itself doesn't feel normal... the worst part may be talking though. everyone elses words are like having 20tv shows on at once at max volume. my own voice is no controlled.... the speed, the volume, even pronunciations. I tried to say banana the other day and instead it came out at berna.
2. is more like BAM! you don't notice it. you're fine, then you go to talk and suddenly the words feel and sound like they come from someone else and they don't come out the way they should. as I mentioned banana earlier, that was actually a sudden episode. I was getting out of the car trying to tell jared I had brought along a banana for a snack and managed "broughta berna" I then say back in the car for a few seconds trying not to panic.... normally when things happen like that you're having a stroke so it's a bit jarring. it's scary when the words you are trying to say are not coming out how they should, and your brain doesn't process them as if they have come from your mouth. feeling like you're on the outside looking in when it comes to your body is one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced.
now from there it can go two ways... it might slowly fade out until I feel like I'm back in my body, sort of like my soul just went for a little stroll elsewhere.
if it doesn't come back I'll start to notice I'm having trouble focusing on any one thing, sort of like my eyeballs are twitchy and when I try to focus on something it looks like it's shaking or something. this is the derealization beginning... this is the big guns. soon the whole world feels like a dream. I can't focus and nothing seems real. I could be at the most beautiful spot on earth, but I'm unable to take in the beauty because it just feels like a foggy dream that I can't focus on. everything seems pointless and fake. pointless. and. fake. this is where I get scared, and I have a tough time writing this because I don't want to upset anyone that reads this, but I need to get out what I'm feeling....
at this point I get really upset. my body isn't mine. I'm an alien in it and it obviously doesn't want me in control. everything seems meaningless. insignificant. everything. I feel like I am dead. like I am a ghost stuck here.... and I don't think I could ever actually kill myself, but going through this I understand why people get to that point. sometimes during an episode that seems like a perfectly reasonable action to take, especially since I don't feel alive anyway. death seems insignificant... more of a what if... what if I jumped in front of this truck? what if I jumped out this window? ...what if I slit my wrists? but I stop there, because that one scares me. maybe because it's more real for me? regardless I understand the action, and that scares me. it feels like any release from this half life would be great. like maybe when you die you'd feel something instead of just numbness.
so that's a typical episode.... or as best as I could describe it. now throw in that this is all triggered by anxiety and my senses are in overdrive. I cannot stop thinking and thinking everything. I'm stuck in my head, in my own little world. so much so that I have actually missed minutes at a time... I have no idea where they went, but chunks of time are missing from my days.
to whom it concern, I hope that helps. Please understand I'm not trying to make anyone upset by being thoughtless lately. it's quite the oposite actually, I have SO many flight or fight thoughts going on in my head about things that happened 4yrs ago and things that could happen, I just forgot that one thing you wanted me to remember.... and it's not even a lot to remember, I shouldn't have any problem doing so because you're not asking a lot.... but I did forget and I'm sorry. and lately I feel like I am made of glass. one criticism on top of an episode and I'll just shatter into a million pieces. I am not mad, I just take it all to heart. I can't help it. I feel like I'm slowly losing myself. like every episode takes a bit more of a me with it.... when I'm reminded I let it mess something else up again I just lose it on the inside. I try to keep it together and tel you I'll do it next time, and maybe I manage that at least... but on the inside it is, "seriously you moron? you couldn't manage to do even that one little thing? you let them down again. you let everyone down. you let yourself down and now there is going to be nothing left"
today we went to my friend's house to watch an episode of AHS and I nearly had to leave before we got inside because I was having an episode mixed with a panic attack...because the anxiety of going to my good friend's house was just too much for me.
I feel like I'm drowning. like everyone else is swimming.... but I don't know how to swim and they make it look so easy. I want nothing more than to feel normal again. to feel again. I must be keeping it together well on the outside because only Jared and Brandi ask me how I'm doing.... Brandi as a blanket statement because she knows I have many issues, but Jared is genuinely good at telling how I'm doing.
that's where some of my anxiety is coming from.... my family is so caught up in their own lives I'm not sure they even notice I'm fighting for my life. my sister has a baby on the way so she needs to be happy. I try ot talk to my mom but she is enjoying her new life with her boyfriend.... so she's not home much. when I try to talk to her she seems annoyed so I mostly don't now.... and dad... well he's not great to talk to. everything is changing. I'm scared because Kera is having a baby, mom is moving out, and I'm getting kicked out. I don't even know where I'll live, homeless shelters don't allow cats. everything is changing and I'm going to be left in the dust....
Thursday, May 21, 2015
forgiveness
Last night while watching AHS season three I forgot about the rape scene in the first episode.... how could I forget? I don't even know honestly.... I think I tend to block out those scenes from most things. I then came home and discussed fostering kittens with my mom and she shot down that idea, which was really the last thing I needed to hear at that moment. Kenhorst Cats has helped me get through a lot of things. I've been struggling so much lately that fostering kittens was the only thing I've been holding on to, everything else is so far off and so dependent on Jared that it isn't enough to keep my head up. I am not mad at my mom for this... I understand her reasoning. our 7 cats have been "marking their territory" all over the house and she doesn't want it to get any worse.... but that doesn't make it any easier to hear.
Since then I've been struggling.... in an all honesty thing I'm trying to do here treating this like my journal, I relapsed and cut last night. I was in a dark place. I want to make it clean I never cut to try to kill myself. I'm much too afraid of death, I care too much for those who would miss me, and I have 5 cats who need me. It's just not an option for me, even as hard as living is on days like today. I'd be lying if I said suicide never seemed like my only way of finding relief sometimes. but people keep telling me I'm the strongest person they know so I keep telling myself that... plus like I said I just couldn't hurt all those I'd be leaving behind.
Jared knew today would be bad before he even talked to me.... he was also struggling with it last night too, he feels a lot of guilt since he was in the next room. I've told him a thousand times he didn't know, and I know if he had he would have done something... in fact I'm glad he didn't realize what was happening because he'd probably be in jail for murder right now. but much like I'll always feel guilt for what happened to Tulip now matter how many people tell me I did everything I could have, I know I can't help him stop feeling guilty. anyway, he got done work early today but told me to let him know when I was ready to be picked up because he knew I needed space.
I spent the first few hours of my day cleaning my room. I got a lot accomplished. I'm trying super hard to get everything in order. I want my room to be my haven. I plan on taking down the bar above my bed and replacing it with a cat shelf for my girls... leaving me wondering what to do with my dresses when that happens. staying busy organizing and planning helps keep my mind from lingering in those dark places.
I can only organize for so long though, as I explained my brain doesn't process that well... so after 2-3hrs I showered and had him pick me up. I feel badly for him because I was distant today. I can't help it.... I'm filled with hatred today. I'm angry at myself for not screaming. I'm angry at myself for not getting help right away which may have prevented the coma (and all my family went through while I was in it). I'm angry at God because I feel like I have gotten shit on by life for pretty much most of my life.... but most of all I'm filled with hatred towards him.
holding onto anger only hurts you, not the person who wronged you.... holding onto anger is like letting someone live rent free in your head... saying like these have been bouncing around my head all day. but how do you forgive someone who wronged you so deeply? someone who violated you so violently you wound up in the hospital with a bruised lung rapidly filling with fluid? someone that caused you to be put into a coma for 9 days? that hurt your family by having them see you like that?
I don't know where to begin.... do I have to forgive him?
Since then I've been struggling.... in an all honesty thing I'm trying to do here treating this like my journal, I relapsed and cut last night. I was in a dark place. I want to make it clean I never cut to try to kill myself. I'm much too afraid of death, I care too much for those who would miss me, and I have 5 cats who need me. It's just not an option for me, even as hard as living is on days like today. I'd be lying if I said suicide never seemed like my only way of finding relief sometimes. but people keep telling me I'm the strongest person they know so I keep telling myself that... plus like I said I just couldn't hurt all those I'd be leaving behind.
Jared knew today would be bad before he even talked to me.... he was also struggling with it last night too, he feels a lot of guilt since he was in the next room. I've told him a thousand times he didn't know, and I know if he had he would have done something... in fact I'm glad he didn't realize what was happening because he'd probably be in jail for murder right now. but much like I'll always feel guilt for what happened to Tulip now matter how many people tell me I did everything I could have, I know I can't help him stop feeling guilty. anyway, he got done work early today but told me to let him know when I was ready to be picked up because he knew I needed space.
I spent the first few hours of my day cleaning my room. I got a lot accomplished. I'm trying super hard to get everything in order. I want my room to be my haven. I plan on taking down the bar above my bed and replacing it with a cat shelf for my girls... leaving me wondering what to do with my dresses when that happens. staying busy organizing and planning helps keep my mind from lingering in those dark places.
I can only organize for so long though, as I explained my brain doesn't process that well... so after 2-3hrs I showered and had him pick me up. I feel badly for him because I was distant today. I can't help it.... I'm filled with hatred today. I'm angry at myself for not screaming. I'm angry at myself for not getting help right away which may have prevented the coma (and all my family went through while I was in it). I'm angry at God because I feel like I have gotten shit on by life for pretty much most of my life.... but most of all I'm filled with hatred towards him.
holding onto anger only hurts you, not the person who wronged you.... holding onto anger is like letting someone live rent free in your head... saying like these have been bouncing around my head all day. but how do you forgive someone who wronged you so deeply? someone who violated you so violently you wound up in the hospital with a bruised lung rapidly filling with fluid? someone that caused you to be put into a coma for 9 days? that hurt your family by having them see you like that?
I don't know where to begin.... do I have to forgive him?
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Never Good Enough
Lately, of my own free will, I've been trying to shape up my life and the ways it affects others lives too. I realize it's a slow process.... in most cases I'm aiming for a full 180 here.
for myself I'm been slowly organizing my room.... I feel like my life will feel less hectic if my room is in order. besides that I can start to catify better for my girls and also make it easier to pack up when I'm able to move out. I've never had an easy time organizing.... it's like the wires in my brain just don't connect right there. I love the way an organized room looks, I can even sometimes do it with other people's stuff... but as soon as you put my stuff in front of me and tell me to find neat little places for it to go.... pffft, I'm lost. you may as well have just spoken another language or given me a box with a tiny round opening and told me to put a bunch of little squares in there. it actually feels like a real mental handicap. however determination goes a long way.... so I'm trying really hard.
besides how it feels as if my brain just cannot wrap it's head around this whole organizing idea, there are a lot of other hurdles.... I have horrid insomnia. I never know if it's going to be one of those nights I can magically fall asleep before 4 or if I'll be up past my parents leaving for work silently crying in my bed praying for sleep. If I'm lucky I can wake up before 11.... most days it's more like 1 or later.
I wake up everyday with a migraine.... well not everyday, I probably get a break 2-4 times a month. however if I don't wake up with a migraine I will either get one later in the day or at least have a headache at some point. So I usually wake up and involuntarily cry for a few minutes as my eyes adjust to the sunlight stabbing at them. Coffee and excedrin migraine is my breakfast most days.... if it's a mild migraine just coffee because I try not to take pain meds too often. I then feed my girls and lay still in my bed until my head stopped pounding and stabbing every time I move a muscle.
considering most days I can only get myself out of bed around 1 due to crippling migraines, I usually have minimal time to make sure I don't see any cat pee downstairs and clean it up if I do see it so my parents have one less thing to do, gather my stuff for the day, shower if needed, snuggle Eli in hopes that he'll hold onto that love and not pee anymore, and head off for the day...
recently I've been trying really hard to add more to that routine by waking up earlier. I figure since I have crippling migraines anyway what does it matter if I get one less hour of sleep to be more productive? So lately I've been trying to add to that schedule doing my laundry, folding it, putting it away to get it out of the basement, feeding the downstairs cats, and organizing small parts of my room.
It's slow going, but I'm trying.... but it's hard to keep it up when I keep getting beaten down.
my mom has been yelling at me daily about the cat pee.... but she doesn't know I always check the house before I go to try to make it easier for her. I'm not as good as her an dad at finding it... but I try. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel hopeless... like one of these days she's just going to toss me and my cats out and I don't know where I would go with the four of them. I'm trying so hard to fix their issues but lately she doesn't even want to discuss how to fix it and what we haven't tried.... she just wants it to end. but without a bit of work the only way to end it is to toss us out, so what am I supposed to get from that?
My sister's house, to put it bluntly, is a mess. I am paid to clean it but it gets increasingly hard due to piles of shit literally everywhere. I try to clean around them or move them as I go but it never really works.... so recently I decide every week that I have a little extra time after cleaning I'd focus on one area and start to organize or at least straighten up.... nesting if you will. The first week I had planned on doing this ended up being the week from hell... I also had to start mowing her lawn that week and of course our first volleyball game of the summer was that week too.... so I had minimal time but was determined to at least do something. I decided i'd throw away as much of the extra trash in the living room as I could because that was fast, and wipe down the stove because I know Chris loves when I clean the stove too.... and just for my own peace of mind I used the good mop to mop so I knew the kitchen floor was extra clean.
...no one noticed. instead I got yelled at about the bathroom. I put on my best "I'm sorry, I'll try better" face but inside I was crying. I had started to fix up her house (a job that's not even mine) and not only did it go unnoticed but I was scolded about a room I had cleaned no differently that I had the past few years I've been cleaning.
so today I had it all planned out that I would fold all my laundry, switch out to summer clothes, and out it all away to free up all the baskets and make a big difference in my room as a lot of the floor space issue is clothes.... instead my mom lectured me again about cat pee and told me "if I have time" to clean up a huge area of the basement that will take hours. if I have time basically means "we know you don't work and assume you do absolutely nothing productive in the day so if you don't get around to what I asked you are obviously lazy and contribute nothing"
... so now I'm going to try to clean that area of the basement between throwing loads of laundry in and folding them and probably end up finishing neither.
I feel like in every one's eyes I'm a failure and a waste of life. That all I do is make every else's life more complicated. it's why mom can't wait to move out so I'm not her problem. it's why dad can't wait to throw me out so I'm not his problem... I wish I were normal... but instead it's all getting worse. The only places I can go without klonopin are my own house and Jared's.... otherwise I take a klonopin and make sure I have my barf bag with me. I'm finding it harder to function everyday and I feel like everyday people expect more and more....
I wish I was normal. I wish I could hold down a job. I wish I didn't have hallucinations and panic attacks, depression, and migraines. I wish I could go to parties like my friends and not have to pop a klonopin and still only be able to sit there silently in my chair holding whatever animal that household has. I wish I could go to sleep at night without lying awake in bed crying for hours. I wish I could get through a day without one single hallucination... I wish I could wake up and go instead of spending an hour or two nursing a migraine which half the time doesn't go away and instead of hanging out with my friends I'm inside laying down in Jared's bed while they are having fun....
I'm sorry to everyone my life affects negatively. I wish I weren't me.
for myself I'm been slowly organizing my room.... I feel like my life will feel less hectic if my room is in order. besides that I can start to catify better for my girls and also make it easier to pack up when I'm able to move out. I've never had an easy time organizing.... it's like the wires in my brain just don't connect right there. I love the way an organized room looks, I can even sometimes do it with other people's stuff... but as soon as you put my stuff in front of me and tell me to find neat little places for it to go.... pffft, I'm lost. you may as well have just spoken another language or given me a box with a tiny round opening and told me to put a bunch of little squares in there. it actually feels like a real mental handicap. however determination goes a long way.... so I'm trying really hard.
besides how it feels as if my brain just cannot wrap it's head around this whole organizing idea, there are a lot of other hurdles.... I have horrid insomnia. I never know if it's going to be one of those nights I can magically fall asleep before 4 or if I'll be up past my parents leaving for work silently crying in my bed praying for sleep. If I'm lucky I can wake up before 11.... most days it's more like 1 or later.
I wake up everyday with a migraine.... well not everyday, I probably get a break 2-4 times a month. however if I don't wake up with a migraine I will either get one later in the day or at least have a headache at some point. So I usually wake up and involuntarily cry for a few minutes as my eyes adjust to the sunlight stabbing at them. Coffee and excedrin migraine is my breakfast most days.... if it's a mild migraine just coffee because I try not to take pain meds too often. I then feed my girls and lay still in my bed until my head stopped pounding and stabbing every time I move a muscle.
considering most days I can only get myself out of bed around 1 due to crippling migraines, I usually have minimal time to make sure I don't see any cat pee downstairs and clean it up if I do see it so my parents have one less thing to do, gather my stuff for the day, shower if needed, snuggle Eli in hopes that he'll hold onto that love and not pee anymore, and head off for the day...
recently I've been trying really hard to add more to that routine by waking up earlier. I figure since I have crippling migraines anyway what does it matter if I get one less hour of sleep to be more productive? So lately I've been trying to add to that schedule doing my laundry, folding it, putting it away to get it out of the basement, feeding the downstairs cats, and organizing small parts of my room.
It's slow going, but I'm trying.... but it's hard to keep it up when I keep getting beaten down.
my mom has been yelling at me daily about the cat pee.... but she doesn't know I always check the house before I go to try to make it easier for her. I'm not as good as her an dad at finding it... but I try. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel hopeless... like one of these days she's just going to toss me and my cats out and I don't know where I would go with the four of them. I'm trying so hard to fix their issues but lately she doesn't even want to discuss how to fix it and what we haven't tried.... she just wants it to end. but without a bit of work the only way to end it is to toss us out, so what am I supposed to get from that?
My sister's house, to put it bluntly, is a mess. I am paid to clean it but it gets increasingly hard due to piles of shit literally everywhere. I try to clean around them or move them as I go but it never really works.... so recently I decide every week that I have a little extra time after cleaning I'd focus on one area and start to organize or at least straighten up.... nesting if you will. The first week I had planned on doing this ended up being the week from hell... I also had to start mowing her lawn that week and of course our first volleyball game of the summer was that week too.... so I had minimal time but was determined to at least do something. I decided i'd throw away as much of the extra trash in the living room as I could because that was fast, and wipe down the stove because I know Chris loves when I clean the stove too.... and just for my own peace of mind I used the good mop to mop so I knew the kitchen floor was extra clean.
...no one noticed. instead I got yelled at about the bathroom. I put on my best "I'm sorry, I'll try better" face but inside I was crying. I had started to fix up her house (a job that's not even mine) and not only did it go unnoticed but I was scolded about a room I had cleaned no differently that I had the past few years I've been cleaning.
so today I had it all planned out that I would fold all my laundry, switch out to summer clothes, and out it all away to free up all the baskets and make a big difference in my room as a lot of the floor space issue is clothes.... instead my mom lectured me again about cat pee and told me "if I have time" to clean up a huge area of the basement that will take hours. if I have time basically means "we know you don't work and assume you do absolutely nothing productive in the day so if you don't get around to what I asked you are obviously lazy and contribute nothing"
... so now I'm going to try to clean that area of the basement between throwing loads of laundry in and folding them and probably end up finishing neither.
I feel like in every one's eyes I'm a failure and a waste of life. That all I do is make every else's life more complicated. it's why mom can't wait to move out so I'm not her problem. it's why dad can't wait to throw me out so I'm not his problem... I wish I were normal... but instead it's all getting worse. The only places I can go without klonopin are my own house and Jared's.... otherwise I take a klonopin and make sure I have my barf bag with me. I'm finding it harder to function everyday and I feel like everyday people expect more and more....
I wish I was normal. I wish I could hold down a job. I wish I didn't have hallucinations and panic attacks, depression, and migraines. I wish I could go to parties like my friends and not have to pop a klonopin and still only be able to sit there silently in my chair holding whatever animal that household has. I wish I could go to sleep at night without lying awake in bed crying for hours. I wish I could get through a day without one single hallucination... I wish I could wake up and go instead of spending an hour or two nursing a migraine which half the time doesn't go away and instead of hanging out with my friends I'm inside laying down in Jared's bed while they are having fun....
I'm sorry to everyone my life affects negatively. I wish I weren't me.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Therapy and Tulip
I have so much anxiety lately, I need to call a therapist but I have too much anxiety to do that. So for now I'm going to blog about what I'm struggling with in hopes that at least getting it out in some way will help.
Today I'm struggling with Tulip. It happens, some days I just get stuck on it. I feel a lot of guilt at times. I'll always deep down feel like I failed. My last cat to accomplish all I had set out to do the first time. The cat that I had known longer than any of the others.... back when Tyler and I would see her running through the commons. The cat I named in honor of Bess, since Tulip is what I suggested my aunt name her. She was the last project left in Kenhorst Cats (for a while at least) and I failed.
I know the vet said even if we had brought her in earlier there was nothing they could do... but I'll always wonder. What if I brought her in that first day instead of hesitating to throw the blanket on her and whisk her away to the emergency vet? A few more scratches for me... but her? Maybe without the infection the surgery wouldn't have been so complicated. Maybe her ruptured uterus wouldn't have fallen so far down into her pelvis. Maybe would would have at least been able to save that last kitten. For Tulip I vow to always trust my instincts in rescues now and not hesitate. I'd rather be safe than sorry (or left wondering what if forever).
I feel like I failed Bess all over again... The first time, I knew she was sick. I knew it was the last time seeing her, but I also knew I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I told my mom as we left that I knew I was never going to see her again, my mom assured me my aunt was taking her to the vet the next day and everything would be just fine... but I insisted she was dying.
This time I had the chance, life wouldn't be so cruel as to make me slowly lose another cat and being able to do nothing about it. No, I just can't believe God would be that cruel.... and that's why I'll always feel that guilt, because I feel this was my chance to be able to do something about it and I blew it.
I'll never know. I remind myself the vet said it wouldn't have made a difference and I try to believe it, but I never fully will....
Today I'm struggling with Tulip. It happens, some days I just get stuck on it. I feel a lot of guilt at times. I'll always deep down feel like I failed. My last cat to accomplish all I had set out to do the first time. The cat that I had known longer than any of the others.... back when Tyler and I would see her running through the commons. The cat I named in honor of Bess, since Tulip is what I suggested my aunt name her. She was the last project left in Kenhorst Cats (for a while at least) and I failed.
I know the vet said even if we had brought her in earlier there was nothing they could do... but I'll always wonder. What if I brought her in that first day instead of hesitating to throw the blanket on her and whisk her away to the emergency vet? A few more scratches for me... but her? Maybe without the infection the surgery wouldn't have been so complicated. Maybe her ruptured uterus wouldn't have fallen so far down into her pelvis. Maybe would would have at least been able to save that last kitten. For Tulip I vow to always trust my instincts in rescues now and not hesitate. I'd rather be safe than sorry (or left wondering what if forever).
I feel like I failed Bess all over again... The first time, I knew she was sick. I knew it was the last time seeing her, but I also knew I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I told my mom as we left that I knew I was never going to see her again, my mom assured me my aunt was taking her to the vet the next day and everything would be just fine... but I insisted she was dying.
This time I had the chance, life wouldn't be so cruel as to make me slowly lose another cat and being able to do nothing about it. No, I just can't believe God would be that cruel.... and that's why I'll always feel that guilt, because I feel this was my chance to be able to do something about it and I blew it.
I'll never know. I remind myself the vet said it wouldn't have made a difference and I try to believe it, but I never fully will....
Saturday, February 28, 2015
God Listens
I think a lot of us as humans don't appreciate what we do have and spend too much time thinking about what we wish we had... I've been silently struggling with severe depression, and by silently I mean I've told very few people. I thought maybe reminding myself of all the great things I have and how lucky I am might help, at the very least maybe it will help anyone reading realize how good they have it too... even when we think we don't. however I know there is a difference between depression and being sad because life sucks, I've been struggling with both really.... so here it goes:
1. FAMILY.
LIFE (random things that may be parts of the others but didn't quite fit in my opinion)
1. FAMILY.
- I have a mother who has always been my rock. lately she's been living her own life so she hasn't been around as much for support, but I know if I reached out and told her I needed her she would be there in a heartbeat like she has been all my life... and honestly I couldn't be happier for her that she has finally found some happiness because she has not had it easy either.
- my relationship with my father has been improving greatly... and while there are some things I might never find it in my heart to fully forgive him for, he's still my dad and I love him. he's still here... and just like my mom I know if I told him I really needed him he would do everything he could to help me.
- Poppy... I know sometimes he drives me nuts and I complain, but I feel blessed to get to have him living with us. He's not young, and I a, thankful I get this time with him.... I know someday I'll appreciate it even more... he also spoils me, slipping me $10 here and there to help me get by or as he puts it "buy something nice for [myself]." He bought me contacts when mine were old and ruining my eyes. he got me luggage for the cruise....
- my sister.... how do I even put it into words? she is truly my other half. I know movies and everything tell you that your other half is your significant other, and I'm not saying that's not true. but there are different types of love and the love I share with my sister can never be broken. we've been through so much together and I know that no matter who walks out of my life she will always be there for me. through thick and thin, we've shared so many secrets, heartaches, and good times and no one could ever replace her.
- Tania is a new friend but she has proven time and time again to be a true friend, whether it be stopping by after her 2nd shift job because I couldn't be alone, being a shoulder for me to cry on, or just someone to goof around with, I am so glad we became friends.
- Tyler is an old friend at this point, and even though he's away at college he's still there with a snapchat to make me smile when I'm feeling down, a countdown until he comes home, and promises of late night walks to ease our troubled minds. he's truly a kindred spirit in many ways. he's seen me through some really tough times and helped me figure out what I really wanted.
- Brandi is another old friend who has been by my side though more in the nearly 4yrs I've known her than a lot of friendships see in their lifetime. from forcing me to go to the hospital when I almost died, to keeping me company late at night when my thought were too dark to be alone, I'd be lost without her. We have our fights, but we always work it out because that's what friends do.
- Katelyn has been MIA living her own life states away... but no one could ever take her place. she is also my kindred spirit and gopt in me in the sense that she understood she might never truly understand me and that's okay. we've shared so much I couldn't even begin to cover it all... I miss her everyday, but true friendships evolve when we grow as people.
- Dayna is another very old friend of mine that I don't get to see as often as I'd like.... she's not states away but she is married with a child on the way and is struggling with he own battles at the moment too. I've told her many times (and meant it) that no matter how long we go between hang out sessions I'malways just a phone call away if she needs me and I know she is too.
- Angee is an old friend that I grew apart from after high school, but we've recently become close again and I love her dearly. She has offered something truly selfless that could never be repaid should need be someday and I know I can always count on her too if I need her.
LIFE (random things that may be parts of the others but didn't quite fit in my opinion)
- I have a place to live, rent free.
- my parents pay from my cell phone (at 26, this is probably a big deal, and I probably don't thank them enough for it.... $35 a month is cheaper than a lot of cells phone bills but it's a lot of money to me and it means so much that they help me in this way)
- I have all the food I need... again, from my parents, free of charge.
- I started a cat rescue, which would be impossible if my parents hadn't been such loving and supportive people. it wouldn't be nearly as successful as it is without their help and the help of friends, family, and even strangers.
- I have 5 cats (well, more than that but those are mine). Anchovy, Tuna, and Honey being the newest additions as part of my shelter. Honey lives with Jared but greets me everyday like it was torture spending the night without me. Tuna is more reserved, but lays by me and follows me around. Anchovy may be the most loving of them all, she's always on me (and is the reason so any typos in this as she is flinging herself all over my lap purring as I type). She like to be held, which is exactly what I need a lot of times lately.... I feel like God sent her to me to help me through what I have been going through lately. Of course there is Eli, my old man.... another reserved cat but one of the most loyal cats I've ever met. I'm not the one who feeds him most of the time due to schedules, and I don't get to spend as much time with him as I'd like, but he's still and always will be a mama's boy. he's always happy to see me, and even though he's not a lap cat like Anchovy and Honey he will lay near me, meow for me to hold him, and paw at me to pet him. he doesn't like much hugging, but if i'm crying he always lets me use him as a pillow. Calypso is a hard one... I get bitter sometimes because I raised her and now she chooses my dad over me, but she is still my baby. I accept her through all her flaws and appreciate that, like me, she just has some issues.
- money. by no means am I rish... in fact I'm probably the definition of dirt poor... however I always have enough to get by somehow and that's all that matters to me.
- God. I have a HUGE thank you here.... not just from me just from Jared. his fins got lowered.... like a TON. meaning we can start our life together sooner... something I cannot wait for. he helped me survive the coma, a terrible car accident, and forgives me every time I mess up. he always finds a way to provide what I need. I try to thank God everyday, although I'm far from perfect. I try to pray not just when I need something but everyday to thank him for another day on this earth, and for providing all I need and more.... for giving me all these things I have to be thankful for.
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