sinking

Some days, like today, I feel as though I'm under water.

I've said many times I feel like I'm drowning and everyone around me is just swimming around oblivious to how much I'm struggling to keep my head above water... days like today I feel as though I've been dragged down. Like I am literally underwater. Everyone sounds so far away, and when I try to move it's slow and takes more effort much like being underwater, yet I feel weightless like I could float away. I am drowning, in the thick dark goo of my mind - of all the pain, anger, violence, and sadness kept somewhere behind my smile. Some days it engulfs me, makes it hard to move, and I get quiet,because if I open my mouth to speak the it oozes out of my mouth to bring down those around me, trying to spread like a plague.

This is what I try to avoid when I'm driving everyone nuts with my need to go and do things and not wanting to just sit around. This is what I'm trying to avoid when my brain goes nonstop.. because if I slow down the darkness drags me under.

I know it's not healthy to not give myself a chance to feel, but what if there is so much pain and sadness that I never work my way through to the other side? What if I just get lost in it forever, it seems rather possible considering the bad never stops. It's just one thing after another.

The thing is, I'm not sure which came first. Did I become so nonstop because growing up I was the butt of all the jokes at home and picked on at school and it hurt but if I let myself be sad or angry it made everything worse so I started not allowing myself to dwell on the pain? Or have I never learned how to process emotions properly because I've just always been so nonstop?

Many therapists have said my brain is like a hamster on a wheel, always going, always running. It's true, in many ways. It' also always going in circles and never really getting anywhere... they always say I need to get it to stop, but how? How do I just stop?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm here still when you just want to go start your own life.
I'm sorry I'm depressed all the time.
I'm sorry I can't hold it in all the time and say things that make you worry or bring you down.
I'm sorry most days I struggle to just get out of bed.
I'm sorry I often forget what you asked me to do.
I'm sorry I'm not very fun.
I'm sorry I have so many triggers.
I'm sorry I'm so delicate.
I'm sorry I'm not strong anymore.
I'm sorry I'm needy.
I'm sorry I'm useless.
I'm sorry I'm a burden.
I'm sorry I was born.

... I'm trying to be better, I just don't even know where to begin.

Holidays

For me the Holiday Season has started.... it really begins on Halloween, but Christmas music is (or was) acceptable November 1st for me. I love this time of year; everyone is happy (in my mind), all the pretty lights, warm drinks, cuddling under blankets, thinking of super thoughtful gifts to let my loved ones know how much they mean to me, and of course celebrating Jesus's birthday... and traditions. all the wonderful traditions.

but for the past few years I just couldn't feel the Christmas spirit... I really struggled with this because for me I love Christmas done to my core, like to the point that in my opinion it's part of who I am. It's all deeply rooted in the traditions. Growing up my parents din't have a lot of money, and while for most kids the highlight of Christmas is getting lots of presents, for me it was the build up. My parents did an amazing job of making sure we got plenty on Christmas, but even more than that was going to pick a tree every year, making cookies, the little visits from Santa, finding random goodies in our advent calendar that Santa would leave occasionally, going for a drive to look at lights, and of course Christmas music.

if I'm being honest, it's because a lot has changed and I feel like the only one left standing here grasping the frayed up traditions while everyone else moves on with their life... any time someone honors a tradition it's very apparent that this is a chore and they would much rather be doing something else. I nearly broke down this year when my dad said he's getting a table top tree because the baby is too young to even care.... I still exist.... 
it's my year to pick a tree. in fact it was my year last year but my dad got a free tree and promised I could pick this year, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore... even though it's probably my last Christmas in this house... our last Christmas together.
I struggle when he says the cookies he is making and he's doing it himself because he just wants to get it over with.

if I'm being honest with myself, it's also because of the rape. For a long time now almost everything has lost it's fun and meaning. Nothing really mattered. I can't even explain why... and I can't really explain what changed... except I read somewhere that disassociation was your body's way of protecting itself... when you get a flashback and you disassociate your body can't deal with the flash back. I've recently stopped disassociating so much, so maybe my mind is ready to start healing and dealing with it?

I don't know what changed, but I'm really excited for Christmas. So today I downloaded some Christmas music and started a playlist. I've explained to Jared that he has to humor me sometimes and listen to Christmas music... for my mental health I need this. I also started cleaning my room up more so I can decorate it this year. I may not have all the traditions with my family, but I can start new ones with Jared.

I think part of it is Kaliel too... I know she's too young to really experience and understand Christmas yet, but I'm still so excited to have a niece for Christmas this year :)

I'm trying to think of all the songs I want and started tearing up singing some of the more religious ones... as much as I have been through in life I am here.  God is good, and that is why I love Christmas.... to me every smile on a strangers face this time of year is also filled with the Christmas Spirit.... and even if they don't realize it also with the Holy Spirit.... so be kind this season (and all the time), let God act through you and in you

Think.

I still haven't been great at updating.... but that's not what this post is about.
I needed a place to rant.

I run a cat rescue.... it may not be Non profit certified or "official" yet, but that only because that takes a few hundred dollars and all my money has gone to saving lives... so somehow a piece of paper from the government just doesn't seem that pressing right now.
No, it doesn't pay... at least not in money. It pays in warm fuzzy hugs. It pays in face rubs. It pays in purrs. It pays in smiles when an adopter first meets their new family member. It pays in happy updates... it pays in the most rewarding ways, I cannot describe the happiness, love, and pride that fills you when you first get to pet a feral cat after months or longer of gaining their trust. More important than all that even, it saved my life. I have been struggling for a while now, it's no secret. This gives me a purpose. This makes me feel fulfilled. This makes me feel useful. On the days I forget all that... on the days I'm struggling again, I have too many cats relying on me to ever give up on life.

What I do is hard work. I have trespassed, crawled through garbage, squeezed into a shed entirely too small for me to carry kittens to safety before it gets too cold for them. I have run barefoot through the snow because a quick feeding led to me hearing a cat in distress somewhere in the distance. I have stayed up all night force feeding sick kittens. I have rushed to the emergency vet because of sick kittens. I have caught multiple trap shy or too sick cats with snuggies. I have rushed a very sick and injured cat to the emergency vet at 5am and made very tough decisions when the vet called back with more information. I have spent countless hours working with feral cats who have no reason to trust a human... that cat you decided you didn't want anymore and asked for my help with? You sit back and don't give it a send thought.... I post tirelessly hoping the right person will see it. When facebook returns no help I resort to craigslist, a much more complicated source of adopters where you gut instinct is the MOST important screening tool. After months of trying to rehome your 14yr old cat you get angry with me for not getting this cat out of your home yet... then when I find a home you refuse to lift a finger, so I must find a ride to your house, let myself in, coax the cat who has never met me into the carrier, and take the cat to it's new home which is even more out of my way... I have given kitten enemas more times that I can count. I have been peed on, pooped on, puked on. I have had to change my sheets at 5am because the kittens figured out how to climb in bed with me but are not old enough to fully understand the litter box or control their bladders. I have had to figure out food allergies. I have administered countless dewormers and antibiotics. I have trimmed nails, brushed fur, and cut mats. I have been attacked and accidentally clawed. I have literally put my blood sweat and tears into this. I have done more than most people would even think of doing...

so please, don't disrespect me by asking if I want to do something with animals for a living.... I'm sorry I'm not in it for the money. I'm sorry my brain can see things more valuable than money. I'm sorry a life is worth more to me. Except I'm not sorry.... because if more people even cared half as much as I do about their own cats we wouldn't have this problem in the first place. I'm sorry you can't comprehend that a life is worth more than money. I'm sorry you don't see that by working more hours to get more money you're giving yourself less time to enjoy that money.... making it all pointless. I'm sorry you are stuck in society's ideals and that you can't see there is so much more. I'm sorry I can't open your eyes and show you that it's not money that makes you rich, but the things you experience during life. On my death bed I won't be thinking "man I wish I had more money" I'll be looking back at all the kitty lives I saved. All the joy I brought to people by introducing them to their new furry family member.

would I like more money? of course.... but it's not everything to me. Ideally would I love to make this a registered nonprofit some day? Sure, I could probably get more donations that way since it would be more "trusted"
I have big dreams, and I will achieve them. Someday I'll be a non profit. Someday I'll be on the payroll... because if I'm earning a living I can afford to do more for the cats. I'd like to live on a farm so I can take in lots of ferals and give them a nice barn for shelter. I'd like to have a spare room or two for fostering. I'd like to have enough space to never turn away a cat...

so sure, this may seem like a joke to you now... but someday I'll be the one laughing, me and that cat you got rid of after it had kittens and you decided to keep one of the kittens instead. We'll be laughing and our heart will be full of love.

behind already

I got a bit off track after being sick, but I'm updating tonight which is already an improvement.

Tyler was home this weekend which I started off being sick, but by Saturday night I was well enough to be there for a boys night. It was fun, I played beer pong and wasn't awful, but definitely wasn't great (maybe that's a game you need to be drunk to play well?)
Sunday I made mahi mahi in a delicious orange ginger glaze, mmmm.... and we all went over to Angee's to watch the last episode of AHS Freak Show.

Yesterday I was extremely over whelmed all day, bordering on dissociation. Jared's mom wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday, so we went to Jumbo China for sushi <3 a="" afterward="" and="" at="" because="" could="" did="" find="" i="" if="" jared="" later="" mask="" more="" ollies="" on="" see="" sleep="" stopped="" style="font-weight: bold;" that="" they="" to="" wanted="">not
 find a sleep mask, but I did find a nice little mat to put under Honey's water bowl since her favorite game is "lets fling water out of our bowl until the rug is soaked" but I decided it wasn't absorbent enough and instead I'm using it for big Daddy's food so he doesn't have to eat on the cold cement. So far he's been standing next to it to eat.

On the ride home I felt almost like I was about to have little neck twitch, but instead I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head and felt myself leave my body. It only lasted a few seconds if that, but when I came back to my body I felt like I had just woken up. I wasn't overwhelmed anymore and everything felt oddly.... normal? I keep waiting for it to come back, that overwhelmed feeling, like the entire world is carrying on around me but I'm absent. I've grown so used to that feeling that I just don't believe it's really gone for good. Regardless I'm enjoying the time I have without it.

Today I was very productive, I cleaned my fish tank and brought in all 7 of the outside fish, Tuna is thrilled. After that Jared picked me up and we went grocery shopping at Aldi. It was so easy with a present mind, I don't think I forgot anything! When we got back and unloaded the groceries he had a therapy appointment, so I split up the chicken before freezing and got the pizza ready so it would be mostly done when he got home.... well and played a bit of Halo ;)

Positive thoughts. I need to enjoy the good times, live in the present.... and if the bad feelings return remember the good times, and remind myself it will pass again. PTSD is a roller coaster so I will have ups and downs, just don't give up during the downs; 

a shell of my former self....

....and figuring out how to fill it back up.

I've been a shell of my former self for so long now, I don't know how I got here or even where to begin to get it back. I feel like in sims when you fast forward too much and when you slow down your sims managed to mess up everything while on autopilot. I understand now why my cousin calls the last few years the lost years.... it truly feels like that.

it's odd, because I'm honestly still on autopilot a good 75% of the time, but I've slowed down enough to realize I'm missing chunks of my life. I'm still figuring it out... where did the time go? what do I do now? how to I get my life back? how do I stop from going back into autopilot mode?

I think it's a defense mechanism. When I get even the tiniest bit of stress my brain goes on a mini vacation. My body is present but my mind is gone. The funny thing is how good at faking it your body becomes. How people around you don't even notice that you're not there. I mean I am suddenly coming to and I want to scream at everyone how did you not notice I was missing?! I know, it's one of those things where you believe what you want to believe. it's so much easier to believe a loved one is fine, especially when you're caught up in enjoying your own life. My body was present and going through the motions of life so why would anyone think I wasn't really there?

I'm trying to explain this to myself honestly.... it's sort of like being sucked out to sea. I've been floating out there for a long time now and I'm finally getting close enough to see land, but then I get sucked under and confused and can't even tell which way is up to swim and get air. I struggle and swim towards shore only to get swept back out again. I can see everyone I know and love just sitting on the beach but I have no idea how to get back, it's all I can do not to drown sometimes. I just want someone to throw me a life preserver but it's like when someone is drowning but you can't tell if they're swimming or drowning so no one even notices.

I'll be sitting there and I notice everything... every instrument in a song that is playing much too loudly on the radio. it doesn't sound like a song, though, when you pick apart all the instruments. I can hear every noise the car is making, even the road under the tires and the gravel popping out from under them as we slow down to a stop. I can hear the birds in the tree, and you trying to talk over the radio. I notice that squirrel on the tree that has a weird knot in the trunk and 3 branches before the rest disappears into the leaves. I notice the seven doves at that green bird feeder in yard of the third house from the corner. I notice the red car behind us, and the blonde woman driving it who doesn't seem to know how far back she ought to stop. I notice the white car pulling up to the stop sign on the intersecting street and how he barely seems to be paying attention because he didn't stop soon enough in my opinion. I notice the stripes of his shirt, 3 tiny stripes in navy with white in between, then a thick green stripe. I notice the sun coming out from behind the clouds and how bright it's getting. I notice the burning smell coming from one of the cars near us.... or is that us? I hope it's not us... I notice your cologne. I notice the weight of my shirt and exactly where on my chest and back it's brushing my skin. I notice how tight my jeans are on my thighs. I notice every hair out of place and every hair blowing in the breeze against my face... it tickles, but I can't scratch it because I can also feel the makeup on my face and I hate how chalky and cakey it feels when I touch it. I can feel the mascara on my eye lashes and my eyelashes grazing my eyebrow. My heart starts to race, I can even hear my heartbeat. How can no one else be over whelmed by all the things going on right now?! How can you just be sitting there like nothing is happening? ....and then you continue driving because that was only a stop sign.

Then everything drifts to a dreamlike state and before I know it I'm at home in bed after a full day passing or even more, barely remembering any of it.... and then people get upset when I don't know the date or the day of the week or that I forgot to wash the cat dishes or haven't cleaned in 2 weeks or that I didn't text them in 4 days.... and all I can do is sit there and say sorry because I didn't even notice time was going by.

I desperately want to be better. I don't want to dissociate anymore. it's terrifying to be missing parts of your life.... but I'm thankful I at least have slowed down enough to realize I'm missing a lot of time.

I'm going to try a diary.... maybe even updating on here. if I force myself to write down what happened that day and how it made me feel maybe my brain will have to be more present? I know some days that will be too hard... on those days I'll try for at least a few words or on here some pictures.

Please understand...

for a while now I have been having these episodes where I don't fee like me.... I've struggled to explain it because I'm not great with words and while it's happening I'm too overwhelmed and when it's gone it's even harder to find the words to describe it. The other night I was killing time sitting in the living room because lately spending more time in my lonely room than I have to is just torture when I figured some words to google and I actually found a name for it. two words actually.... depersonalization and derealization. for me it mostly happens together, but when I'm lucky it will just be the depersonalization.

I'll try my best to walk you through it because I certainly hope no one reading this has ever experience it.
there are two ways it starts....
1. my heart starts to race as if I'm going to have a panic attack (sometimes that does happen with it) and slowly I can't feel much of my body in a way. I don't feel like I'm in it. I can't feel my feet on the ground or the weight of myself... I know that sounds hard to grasp, like I might be describing my limbs go numb, but that's not it. more like they are someone else's limbs. yes if you poke me I'll feel it, but my brain doesn't process it how it normally would, and it just feels weird partly because I don't feel attached to what I am feeling and partially because touch itself doesn't feel normal... the worst part may be talking though. everyone elses words are like having 20tv shows on at once at max volume. my own voice is no controlled.... the speed, the volume, even pronunciations. I tried to say banana the other day and instead it came out at berna.
2. is more like BAM! you don't notice it. you're fine, then you go to talk and suddenly the words feel and sound like they come from someone else and they don't come out the way they should. as I mentioned banana earlier, that was actually a sudden episode. I was getting out of the car trying to tell jared I had brought along a banana for a snack and managed "broughta berna" I then say back in the car for a few seconds trying not to panic.... normally when things happen like that you're having a stroke so it's a bit jarring. it's scary when the words you are trying to say are not coming out how they should, and your brain doesn't process them as if they have come from your mouth. feeling like you're on the outside looking in when it comes to your body is one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced.

now from there it can go two ways... it might slowly fade out until I feel like I'm back in my body, sort of like my soul just went for a little stroll elsewhere.
if it doesn't come back I'll start to notice I'm having trouble focusing on any one thing, sort of like my eyeballs are twitchy and when I try to focus on something it looks like it's shaking or something. this is the derealization beginning... this is the big guns. soon the whole world feels like a dream. I can't focus and nothing seems real. I could be at the most beautiful spot on earth, but I'm unable to take in the beauty because it just feels like a foggy dream that I can't focus on. everything seems pointless and fake. pointless. and. fake. this is where I get scared, and I have a tough time writing this because I don't want to upset anyone that reads this, but I need to get out what I'm feeling....

at this point I get really upset. my body isn't mine. I'm an alien in it and it obviously doesn't want me in control. everything seems meaningless. insignificant. everything. I feel like I am dead. like I am a ghost stuck here.... and I don't think I could ever actually kill myself, but going through this I understand why people get to that point. sometimes during an episode that seems like a perfectly reasonable action to take, especially since I don't feel alive anyway. death seems insignificant... more of a what if... what if I jumped in front of this truck? what if I jumped out this window? ...what if I slit my wrists? but I stop there, because that one scares me. maybe because it's more real for me? regardless I understand the action, and that scares me. it feels like any release from this half life would be great. like maybe when you die you'd feel something instead of just numbness.

so that's a typical episode.... or as best as I could describe it. now throw in that this is all triggered by anxiety and my senses are in overdrive. I cannot stop thinking and thinking everything. I'm stuck in my head, in my own little world. so much so that I have actually missed minutes at a time... I have no idea where they went, but chunks of time are missing from my days.


 to whom it concern, I hope that helps. Please understand I'm not trying to make anyone upset by being thoughtless lately. it's quite the oposite actually, I have SO many flight or fight thoughts going on in my head about things that happened 4yrs ago and things that could happen, I just forgot that one thing you wanted me to remember.... and it's not even a lot to remember, I shouldn't have any problem doing so because you're not asking a lot.... but I did forget and I'm sorry. and lately I feel like I am made of glass. one criticism on top of an episode and I'll just shatter into a million pieces. I am not mad, I just take it all to heart. I can't help it. I feel like I'm slowly losing myself. like every episode takes a bit more of a me with it.... when I'm reminded I let it mess something else up again I just lose it on the inside. I try to keep it together and tel you I'll do it next time, and maybe I manage that at least... but on the inside it is, "seriously you moron? you couldn't manage to do even that one little thing? you let them down again. you let everyone down. you let yourself down and now there is going to be nothing left"

today we went to my friend's house to watch an episode of AHS and I nearly had to leave before we got inside because I was having an episode  mixed with a panic attack...because the anxiety of going to my good friend's house was just too much for me.

I feel like I'm drowning. like everyone else is swimming.... but I don't know how to swim and they make it look so easy. I want nothing more than to feel normal again. to feel again. I must be keeping it together well on the outside because only Jared and Brandi ask me how I'm doing.... Brandi as a blanket statement because she knows I have many issues, but Jared is genuinely good at telling how I'm doing.

that's where some of my anxiety is coming from.... my family is so caught up in their own lives I'm not sure they even notice I'm fighting for my life. my sister has a baby on the way so she needs to be happy. I try ot talk to my mom but she is enjoying her new life with her boyfriend.... so she's not home much. when I try to talk to her she seems annoyed so I mostly don't now.... and dad... well he's not great to talk to. everything is changing. I'm scared because Kera is having a baby, mom is moving out, and I'm getting kicked out. I don't even know where I'll live, homeless shelters don't allow cats. everything is changing and I'm going to be left in the dust....