Catastrophe Queen: 2012

it's been almost a year since I updated. so much has changed I fear this will be a long update. that might be an understatement.

Summer was a whirlwind. I hung out with lots of new people and had a few flings. I found a stray kitten that still needed to be bottle fed. I named her Calypso.

after a summer of flings I met Matt, which was a big mistake but at the time I had been through quite a bit and it felt right. I jumped in too fast looking for something solid. Live and learn, right? We started dating on the 25th and immediately his ex started trying to interfere, which should have been a red flag but he assured me it meant nothing.

The 26th was my dad's birthday. We went to one of my dad's favorite burger places. Afterward I went with Brandi to Adam's house to see Matt planning on staying the night since it is such a drive to get out there. Around 3am I woke up with a terrible chest pain and some difficulty breathing. I also heard about 5 messages on facebook. I ignored my chest pain figuring I had slept wrong and went to check facebook. it was one of my summer flings, he was very upset I was in a relationship since he didn't feel we were done yet. I told him since he hardly ever answered my messaged I got the picture and moved on... then I tried to go back to sleep but my chest felt tight and it got worse. I used Adam's inhaler (I didn't have one... I had told my parents I had been diagnosed with asthma but neither of them believed me, so I didn't have one). I took two puffs. nothing. I waited a good hour or two taking puffs now and then and eventually finishing what was left and still felt no relief. I was able to fall back asleep eventually and hoped it would be better in the morning.

It wasn't. my chest felt tight, or full. I couldn't fit much air in my lungs. My ribs hurt so bad I didn't even want to walk. I came home to shower. after my shower I tried to take a nap but was yelled at by my family because they couldn't figure out where I had placed Kera's key. I eventually had to get up and look, I was in such pain I just wanted to cry and sleep so I was obviously not happy about looking for her key so everyone got mad at me for what they took as an attitude for keeping me from a nap. I told my mom how bad it was and that I was afraid my lung collapsed. my mom told me I was fine and just not to do anything too strenuous, my mom is pretty much always right so I went back to my nap.

Later I went to Adam's again, with the intention of sleeping at Brandi's since she was going to be home alone and there was supposed to be a big storm. At Adam's things really went down hill. I began to feel a little "loopy" probably front he lack of oxygen. Brandi and Matt kept begging me to go to the Hospital but I refused. my mom had told me not to go which meant I'd be footing the bill... with no job. We went to Brandi's because I was hoping not being in a basement would help and also I felt more comfortable at Brandi's house. Apparently I wanted to play Uno (I don't remember this, or much at this point).

I remember sitting on Brandi's bed adjusting a pillow and telling myself if I could just get the right angle I'd be able to breathe and I'd be okay. No angle helped and I kept trying to control my breathing... deep, slow breaths would fix it. Only I couldn't breath deep or slow. After a while I agreed to go t the hospital. I had enough sense to realize how dizzy I as and that I couldn't take deep breaths for more reasons than just the pain. I was practically carried to the car because any movement meant less breathing but also because of how loopy I had become.

At the hospital I don't remember anything except refusing a wheelchair and eventually getting put in one anyway. They put me in one step under emergency, which meant I got processed faster. They asked me on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad my pain was... I said 8. When she wheeled me to some tests the nurse told me had I waited an hour longer I'd be dead. She also told me with how bad I was my pain should have been a 10.

In my room (which wasn't a normal ER room where the walls are curtains. I had a real room all to myself) the nurse tried to put the IV in... I'm terrified of needles and the fact that I'm hard to give and IV too doesn't help. the nurse tried many times before it got in... I remember about 3 tries. Brandi and Matt told me it was at least 5. I remember crying a lot and just wishing it were my mom instead of Brandi and Matt but being happy someone was there at least.

When I came back from some tests the nurse told me she wanted another IV (the first had been for morphine). She said "for patients like you we usually like to have 2 IVs in." I was freaked.... patients like me?! what did I do? was it that bad? was this other IV for things I needed? So I told her if it was important I could have no morphine and she could use that IV for whatever she needed to give me. I was sobbing at this point, pleading. She explained even if that were the case I still needed two IVs. This didn't help matters... that sounded bad.

Thankfully she only tried once before another nurse did the IV. After the IV I asked Brandi to call my mom, I realized in my drugged up state I had forgotten, and now that I needed 2 IVs I felt there was probably at least something minor wrong so they should probably let my parents know.

I asked to talk to my mom, I'm not sure when because I had Brandi call my mom frequently to keep her posted. When I talked to my mom I told her there was something wrong with me because the nurse said I almost died, and then I laughed. the morphine was really kicking in, and every time I asked for more they gave it to me without any hesitation... had I been in my right mind this would have concerned me.

Eventually Brandi had to call my mom and tell her I was being kept over night... and at some point that I was being moved to the ICU, I think... I believe that's when my mom realized something was really wrong and came although I'm not really sure because I don't remember any of it. I know everyone got really upset when they told them I had to be put on the vent.

No one told my sister. My mom felt she was protecting me. I never thought to call my sister, I was too drugged up and even if I hadn't been I figured my mom would have told her. my mom was trying to protect her. If I could do one thing over it would be to tell my sister.

I can remember flashes of a doctor telling me he is going to give me a breathing tube and put me on a vent. I was scared. I asked if I would be awake for it and he said no so I said okay but it really all seems like a dream or something I remember seeing in a movie. It took me a while before I remembered a lot of the stuff that happened.

The next thing I know I'm in Africa (this is a dream I had in my coma. medicated comas are still comas). Africa was beautiful. I was a man. Well a boy really. I remember being born. I remember my whole life. I married a very dark skinned woman with a beautiful smile. She wore the color coral a lot and was a wonderful mother to our two daughters Kendra and Kirra.
When I would sleep in my dream I would have another dream... a dream where I was me. I had run away from home and had gotten cancer. my mom found me and tried to talk to me, "Kylie, it's okay. I'm here, dad's here too" but I couldn't answer. I wanted to tell her I loved her. That I was scared. That I just wanted to come home... but I couldn't. I couldn't speak. so I sat silently and wept. My mom says I did this in real life. She said it broke her heart. I know it was because all those things were true. I just wanted to tell her I loved her, that I was so happy she was here. That I was scared, but I just couldn't talk.
In my Africa dream I died while the girls were young, the oldest maybe 5? After I died I got an aerial view of Africa. Then I heard my grandfather say "Kylie, it's time to go home now" and I was led to a boat (which in the dream was my uncle's boat... he doesn't have a boat. also my grandfather is dead). I laid on a sofa in the lower deck and watched a fish tank. As we got closer I could hear my mom's voice "Kylie, you have to stay calm, okay? just stay calm, it's going to be okay" and another woman I didn't know "It's okay to cough, it will help" and the next thing I know I was in the hospital and the tube was being pulled out of my throat. I remembered I should cough, so I did. I remember some blood, and the cough was more like a gag. The best way I can describe it was like giving birth out of my mouth. I was told I did really well by the nurses. My mom was most impressed because she knows me and was worried I would freak out when I woke up and had no idea what was going on and the first thing that happens is a tube is pulled out of me :)

I was so confused... what was I doing here in this hospital? Why was I not in Africa with my girls? I remembered quickly. I think I even remembered what happened that I ended up in the hospital. my mom said Kera and dad were coming... I almost cried. part of me felt like I might never see them again.

my mom asked me if I wanted anything... I remembered how much Kera loves Africa. I had the vibrant memories I wanted to get out of my brain for her... "Craaaayons" I said in a raspy voice moving my fist in a coloring motion.

My mom said she was afraid I was retarded, but told my sister and my dad to get me crayons and color books. My mom said I had been asleep for 9 days. I was shocked.

I remember seeing my sister and crying. to me it felt like a lifetime had passed since I had seen anyone. I remember telling Kera she could lay in be with me. she was afraid she'd hurt me (I was weak, I had lost so much weight). I remember just wanting someone close to me. I remember her finally understanding I wouldn't break and climbing in my air filled bed and holding me while we both cried so relieved what we feared wasn't true.
people don't understand me and my sister I believe... the best was I can descried us is more like twins. she is my other half. literally we balance each other out. she is my best friend and I'd be lost without her.

My family keeps telling me I don't understand and I never will... it's true, but they'll never understand what I went through either. They had to see me in the bed only alive thanks to some machines. after a week I was only getting worse and someone told my parents they had 3 options... a lung biopsy to see exactly what was wrong, but I had only a 10% chance of living through the procedure. Flying me to Hershey. or steroids. they chose steroids (thankfully).

I lived a whole life time while I was out... my family and old life felt so far away. When I would sleep in my dream and dream I was myself again I was so scared I would die. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't move. I just had to lay there and cry. everything was so scary except the boat ride with my grandfather.

When I woke up, everything was new again. talking... I barely had a voice and words felt funny in my mouth. I got a lot of words confused for a while. my muscles we so weak I couldn't move the covers or cups of water at first. my sister allowed me to use her phone and I remember it was so heavy! I told her this and she laughed. she said the first day I was awake was like having me as a child again.
The first day so many people can to see me. My mom told me of all the visitors I got... childhood friends I hadn't seen in years. Dayna, who I had recently fought with so we weren't really on speaking terms. She brought me a peach rose because she remembered it was my favorite (I'm crying as I write this... everyone's love and support meant so much to me). I can remember seeing a flash of the rose while I was in my coma. New friends came too. Brandi had come everyday. Tabby had visited. Matt came most days. Adam, Brandi's boyfriend came. Brandi's mom came.
Of course all of my family came. My aunts and uncles and cousins. I am truly blessed to be part of such a loving family and I don't know how I'd have gotten through the whole ordeal without each and every one of them.

I got dinner that night... just soup, apple juice, diet pepsi and ice cream. except for the diet pepsi (which I believe was a nurses, she gave it to me because I wanted something that wasn't water) everything was high in calories since I had lost so much weight.

The first day is a blur. I remember people coming and going. I remember feeling like everything was such a chore. I remember my Aunt Pam staying with me that night so my mom could spend her first night in 9 days in her own bed.

My poor Aunt Pam... I had just slept for 9 days! I wasn't tired. I mostly stayed up until my mom came back the next morning. I missed her and couldn't stop crying. the ICU was a scary and busy place. how could I sleep when my monitors were beeping and my arm thing was squeezing me every 20mins or so? when nurses were in and out of my room giving me medicines and switching my IV bags?

The nurse put a humidifier on my oxygen since it was making my nose really dry. it sounded like a fish tank so I was able to sleep a little.

The second day I was more aware and a little stronger. The nurse said I could sit in the chair for breakfast if I wanted. this really excited me so I did. as I waited for breakfast my dad let me use his netbook (I kept it the whole time I was in there, it got lonely, so all my facebook friends kept me company). I took a picture of myself getting my morning breathing treatment. I had my mom's glasses because she couldn't find mine.

The second day is when things really got to me. I was so weak I couldn't do anything for myself... it killed me. When I ate my mom had to cut up my food, I was much to weak. She watched my every move, ready to catch a dropped fork or help me lift my oh so heavy drink (straws were my best friend).

The worst was the bathroom, without getting too involved I don't look forward to being old. not that I was wearing diapers, thankfully I was not haha.

I badly wanted it shower. it had now been about 10 or 11 days since I showered. Brandi and Matt were coming to see me. I rationalized they had both seen me unconscious with a tube down my throat so today would be no different... an improvement even.

They visited while I sat in my chair. then I had to tell them to gtfo because it was bathroom break time, the toilet was in my room. this was an ordeal since I couldn't walk, even with the help of two nurses I could barely take the 3 steps to from my bed or the chair to the toilet. So after quite a few minutes I sent the nurse to go get my friends again once I was safely in bed.

The beds were a lot of fun. with the press of a button I could sit or lay. I could put my feet up. I miss the beds the most I think.

Day 2 was the day I realized I now had THREE IVs. my favorite was purple, a lot thicker, had two "ports" that weren't always hooked up, and was oddly enough in my upper arm. confused, I asked about it... I was told it was a PIC line and that it went directly to my heart. this scared me a little and I was aware of it at all times the rest of the day. Day 2 I struggled with all the cords and IVs. I had a blood pressure thing around my arm, a thing on my finger to monitor my heart rate, 5 stickies on my chest for various things, 2 IV's and a PIC line, and a oxygen tube in my nose.

Day 2 was also when I missed life the most. I realized I needed to get out of here asap. I talked to the nurses, told them I wanted to be out by the 9 (one month from my birthday, and also a friday. I was told it was a long shot, but they didn't say no.

I tried to do more myself, I figured to go home they had to see I was able to do things for myself... I tried to pick up my drinks more. Even though the beds were fun to play with, I tried to sit up by myself and only move it to support me once I was sitting already on my own. I kicked my legs around trying to get their strength up.

it worked, I was moved out of the ICU and into a normal room. my mom stayed with me in a cot.

My dad told me he would bring me food from where ever I wanted. I had seen so many Arby's commercials all I could think of was a cheddar roast beef and a jamocha shake. I couldn't eat either. I wasn't used to salt and I was having problems swallowing thanks to what my mom believes is a hiatal hernia... but I was thankful for the few bites I got down and my sister was happy to eat the rest. we watched the old Dr. Doolittle, which I love. I dreamed of leaving.

Day 3 I had hopes of showering. after a bunch of tests I got the okay from my doctor. my shower took about an hour, and most of that was my mom brushing the huge mats out of my hair. my mom had to help me shower, I was still too weak to do most things on my own, holding my hands above my head for almost an hour and pulling at my hair was one of the things that wasn't even conceivable. my shower consisted of me sitting in a chair while my mom washed everything I couldn't (which I'll be honest was pretty much everything except the private areas which I was thankfully able to handle myself). I lost a lot of hair... some was because I hadn't showered or brushed in 13 days, so it was hair that would have normally fallen out, but a lot was pulled out because it was too tangled. But my mom did an amazing job and I did not have to shave my head like my whole family had feared!

My dad had brought me my own soap, shampoo, conditioner, and antiperspirant. I felt so clean, of course I had washed myself twice in the shower! smelling bad had been hard for me, I love smelling good.

After my shower my mom braided my hair so it would stay untangled. My dad brought me a purse filled with goodies he had gotten me. in the ICU I wasn't allowed to have anything in the room that might irritate my lungs including cosmetics. My dad had gotten me a zebra print purse with lots of new makeup. I was so excited by all of it.

My sister and most of my extended family would come every day right after work and stay until the nurses made them leave. I was happy for the company as it was lonely sitting in the same room on the same bed all day.

The 3rd night I had an attractive male nurse. He was very nice and brought me extra juice for my medications. In the middle of the night he came and took all the stickies off my chest. All my IVs had been removed except my PIC line that wasn't hooked up to anything, it was the freest I felt in a long time. I think I cried when he left because I could roll anyway I wanted... except laying on my left side hurt my lung and made it hard to breathe... it still does on my sensitive days.

I had high hopes I'd be going home the next day... friday the 9th. I was told the doctor would decide after my x-ray. I waited patiently, but my section was running a little behind because there was an older woman who was making a huge fuss about leaving right NOW. I wanted her to stfu because I really might be leaving today.

I was right, I was told I could leave after my x-ray. My biggest concern at this point was getting the PIC line removed. It was like a long piece of spaghetti that went to my heart and I had heard it hurt to get removed... as well as taking a few minutes because they normally went slow. to make matters worse, they told me I had to remain still and calm for 20mins or there might be serious complications, like bleeding out.
I worried for nothing though because I didn't feel them pull it out, and the lady pulled it out fast, it only took a second.

My sister and I gawked at my stomach, I looked like a human pin cushion from all of the blood thinner shots. The blood thinner shots hurt a lot, and each nurse did it differently. If they did it fast it hurt longer and left a bigger bruise but I liked that better because I didn't have to sit still with a needle in me for close to a minute.

After 20 minutes of sitting still and trying to stay calm (which was hard with my weirdo family and knowing I was going home). a nurse came in to help me through all the paper work and I was on my way.

The ride home felt like a dream. My mom and I cried for most of it since there had been a time I might not leave alive. when I got home I slept almost right away. my dad was worried but I as still weak and leaving had been a big commotion. for dinnner my mom made chicken with clear sauce (my favorite!) and a few of my favorite sides. it felt like a feast just for me. I slept in the spare bedroom since my stairs were off limits.
The second night home my dad suggested going to DQ for icecream, I was skeptical until he said I wouldn't have to get out of the car. I was so weak I couldn't walk much myself and clothing was limited to a comfortable hobo look. I didn't feel like dealing with the stares. we went for a car ride as we ate and I remember crying at some lightning bugs in a field. everything felt new and beautiful again.

The second or third night home I decided I needed to clean my hamster's tank, I was mostly strong enough as long as I had some help moving the tank and anything that weighed more than a pound or so. I was devastated to find my hamster had passed away despite my dad caring for her. she was deformed so I'm thinking she probably had some internal problems that we didn't know about too since there is no other reason for her passing. I also lost most of my fish even though my dad had thrown food in all of my fish tanks, even those with no fish! This may have been from over feeding or lack of water changes... but I was happy my dad at least tried.

Slowly I got stronger. A few more steps each day and a little easier to take them each day too. After a bit of time I was able to handle stairs and I could sleep in my own room again. My room had been painted while I recovered, something I had wanted done for a long time.

October came and I was excited for the clam bake. Matt had excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't come. While at the clam bake I got a call from his ex that was now pregnant. Long story short, he was too much of a wimp to break up with me so he had her call me. I have no hard feelings towards either of them. I hope they can both get their lives together and and have a great happy family together, but this did not make it any less upsetting at the time.

After a while I realized it was for the best. I spent more time with friends, and eventually started dating again... slowly and hesitantly Dan was also recently single from a much longer relationship. even though I had known him for a long time and had gotten pretty close with him over the summer I was much more afraid of getting hurt this time.

I got my lip pierced in for my birthday thanks to Brandi and my parents handled it well. my dad even complimented it after a few days.

Christmas was awesome, I got a guitar as well as a new camera which was a surprise and perfume I wanted. New years was spent with Dan and Katelyn's other best friend (who happens to be with one of Dan's close friends) minus Katelyn. It was a lot of fun, probably the best new years I've ever had.

Feb. 11 was Kera's Wedding. I was maid of honor. It was a blast! I took Dan as my date..

Since then I've been learning guitar and getting back into painting. 2012 seems like a
great year so far :)

Catastrophe Queen

Monday, June 18, 2012

ouch!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes