even bigger mess?

maybe.

seems letting my head take control for a while is definitely the best option. my heart can't be trusted, as I've learned int he past. my heart makes reckless decisions and jumps into things without thinking... then I end up more of a mess than I started.

I've decided when I do find a boyfriend these are some qualities I would like that most previous boyfriends have lacked:
1. confidence. this is a big one, I'm tired of my guy saying something and then looking to me like "is that okay?" you have a brain with opinions and wants... use it. and don't give them up just because I exist.
2. independent. this sort of goes with the other one. I want someone who has passions of their own... it would be great if we share some, but it would also be nice to know if I do something with my friends he's not sitting at home staring at a wall or texting me to make me hurry home.
3. humility. this one is kind of huge... you are NOT the coolest thing since sliced bread (mainly because me and my sister are). there is a BIG difference between beign confident and being arrogant, cocky, ect... there are too reasons guys act like this

• they really think they are the s***... this drives me nuts in a way I can't explain. I guess because they are usually wrong :)
• they have ZERO confidence and they think faking it by acting like they think they're the coolest, smartest, and/or most attractive guy ever. this bothers me for the above reason and because it does not make up for having no confidence.
  

going to boehringers for ice cream dinner now... yay!

Mess

that is still the condition of my room... and while less of a mess than a few days ago, it is still a mess none the less.
my bed is back to the side it belongs, a hutch has been added for storage, and Eli sleeps happily on his new condo... however miscellaneous junk is still scattered about the floor (much less than before), all betta tanks are unplugged and evaporated, a forgotten (and smelly) bag of trash must wait until next week before being taken to the curb as well as a chair that reeks of cat pee.

in ways I feel it's a metaphor for my life... unarguably slightly more in order but still a mess. I've sorted out the issues with the controlling, less than faithful boyfriend (by leaving him). I've gotten rid of a good deal of material clutter. I've cried and smiled while remembering and sorting through the past and the issues it left me. I can say I let go of a good chunk of that baggage, though some still lingers as a month can only do so much. I found a job but quickly came to realize it was not to be...
so on I march. searching for a new job. sorting through more emotional and material clutter.

at any rate, I got my pay in the mail today (even though I specifically said do NOT mail it I want to pick it up in person). I plan to use it on birth control, however it will only cover about half so some is going to be paid with what I've saved and some is going to be put on the credit card... as much as it pains me I don't think I can deal with another pd off it. not to mention it might get rid of pds altogether in which case I need it asap so it can sort itself out before summer.

hnm, I hope I can sort myself out by summer :)
I am a mess of a girl at the moment... but I suppose I always was. ignoring my whispering head and allowing my screaming heart to lead the way, except for one time when I was arguably more of a mess than usual. however, I think letting my head control certain aspects of my life would be a wise decision, at least for a little while. my heart can sing freely on walks but I would be wise to ignore it the rest of the time for now.

I <3 this song right now (plus I think she is a really pretty)