Honestly, I don't know why this didn't happen sooner. Well I kind of do, there were a lot of reasons. We've always had chemistry from day one.. it made it harder to be as close to him as I was to my other friends because there was more there. However for nearly 3 years I (or we I guess although I'm not sure on his reasons besides he's a gentleman) managed to shove those feelings down and be just friends...
1. he was (is) young. nearly 4 years younger. When I met him he was only 18 and I knew he was too immature, even he admits that. Last summer we kissed, but he was just turning 21 and I was afraid he'd become some party animal that goes out all the time... I dn't know why I thought that, maybe because my most recent ex had put me through a lot of that and I figured a 21 yr old would be worse... so nothing became of it then and it almost destroyed our entire friendship... but we're strong and we figured it out even though we didn't talk for a month or so.
2. for a majority of that I was dating a controlling manipulative jerk. this is what I'm used to as my father wasn't the nicest to my mom growing up. a poor excuse, but he had me under his control and I felt I could do no better. I had heard more than once "do you think anyone else would want to put up with your bullshit? NO! You lose me and you'll have no one" and I believed it.
3. security. he's younger. I was afraid we were at different points in our life and by the time he was ready to settle down I'd be past baby making age or whatever. Honestly, this one is a mix of me being wrong and me not caring anymore. he's settled, and while neither of us is in the best financial spot right now, I don't care about that. we'll figure it out as we go. together :)
4. I was afraid of my family judging me for dating someone younger. I had a summer fling with a guy a year older than him when we first met and even though it was just fun and nothing serious my family still gave me a hard time... I wasn't wrong about this. when I first told my mom we were going on a date she said "but he's a baby!" however he's been so good to me that my mom is thrilled. he already met most of my family and they loved him right away. so while they were hesitant they quickly realized that him being younger isn't a big deal because we just make sense together.
another friend of mine is in a similar situation (honestly, seeing her and her now fiancee is partially what made me break up with my ex... I had feeling for Jared, but I was staying with my ex because I thought it was my last chance to move out and get married and have that life). I wish I could convince her to take the plunge and go for the guy she really cares for. but even if not, just get away from the guy she is with now because he's no good for her. and to anyone out there reading this... please only accept the love you deserve. don't let anyone put you down or control you. that's not love... I struggled with it for years and years, so many bad relationships that I insisted on staying it even though they tore me down.
anyway, I'm back in therapy. my therapist agreed I'm probably bipolar and have bpd tendencies. however she said that I amaze her more each time she comes in. that I've made huge strides in bettering myself and getting on a healthy train of thought. She said she'd no longer classify me as BPD because I'm able to recognize certain things.... after a fight with my mom this weekend even though I had the urge to cut, I instead went on a 2 mile walk to a Angelica Park to my favorite trail, then went on the trail to my favorite spot by the creek and meditated for a few hours. I even found a neat rock that is actually a brick worn down by the river into a smooth round thing.
other than that I've just been enjoying summer, my new boyfriend that actually builds me up and supports me, my friends, and my family :)
silly face <3 br="">
Angee and Tyler
Jared and Dink
Ryan relaxing
Dink discovered his baby toys and wanted Jared to wear the goggles
hey, biting is my job!
walk on the Angelica Creek Trail
Stark!
Stark likes to bite too...
maybe I'll post more often, I'd like to take lots of pics this summer. I miss taking pics and even though Jared is not a fan of pictures he already said I can take all the pictures I want if it makes me happy. He makes me happy in general and I feel stupid for taking this long to allow myself this happiness, it's love.
