Think.

I still haven't been great at updating.... but that's not what this post is about.
I needed a place to rant.

I run a cat rescue.... it may not be Non profit certified or "official" yet, but that only because that takes a few hundred dollars and all my money has gone to saving lives... so somehow a piece of paper from the government just doesn't seem that pressing right now.
No, it doesn't pay... at least not in money. It pays in warm fuzzy hugs. It pays in face rubs. It pays in purrs. It pays in smiles when an adopter first meets their new family member. It pays in happy updates... it pays in the most rewarding ways, I cannot describe the happiness, love, and pride that fills you when you first get to pet a feral cat after months or longer of gaining their trust. More important than all that even, it saved my life. I have been struggling for a while now, it's no secret. This gives me a purpose. This makes me feel fulfilled. This makes me feel useful. On the days I forget all that... on the days I'm struggling again, I have too many cats relying on me to ever give up on life.

What I do is hard work. I have trespassed, crawled through garbage, squeezed into a shed entirely too small for me to carry kittens to safety before it gets too cold for them. I have run barefoot through the snow because a quick feeding led to me hearing a cat in distress somewhere in the distance. I have stayed up all night force feeding sick kittens. I have rushed to the emergency vet because of sick kittens. I have caught multiple trap shy or too sick cats with snuggies. I have rushed a very sick and injured cat to the emergency vet at 5am and made very tough decisions when the vet called back with more information. I have spent countless hours working with feral cats who have no reason to trust a human... that cat you decided you didn't want anymore and asked for my help with? You sit back and don't give it a send thought.... I post tirelessly hoping the right person will see it. When facebook returns no help I resort to craigslist, a much more complicated source of adopters where you gut instinct is the MOST important screening tool. After months of trying to rehome your 14yr old cat you get angry with me for not getting this cat out of your home yet... then when I find a home you refuse to lift a finger, so I must find a ride to your house, let myself in, coax the cat who has never met me into the carrier, and take the cat to it's new home which is even more out of my way... I have given kitten enemas more times that I can count. I have been peed on, pooped on, puked on. I have had to change my sheets at 5am because the kittens figured out how to climb in bed with me but are not old enough to fully understand the litter box or control their bladders. I have had to figure out food allergies. I have administered countless dewormers and antibiotics. I have trimmed nails, brushed fur, and cut mats. I have been attacked and accidentally clawed. I have literally put my blood sweat and tears into this. I have done more than most people would even think of doing...

so please, don't disrespect me by asking if I want to do something with animals for a living.... I'm sorry I'm not in it for the money. I'm sorry my brain can see things more valuable than money. I'm sorry a life is worth more to me. Except I'm not sorry.... because if more people even cared half as much as I do about their own cats we wouldn't have this problem in the first place. I'm sorry you can't comprehend that a life is worth more than money. I'm sorry you don't see that by working more hours to get more money you're giving yourself less time to enjoy that money.... making it all pointless. I'm sorry you are stuck in society's ideals and that you can't see there is so much more. I'm sorry I can't open your eyes and show you that it's not money that makes you rich, but the things you experience during life. On my death bed I won't be thinking "man I wish I had more money" I'll be looking back at all the kitty lives I saved. All the joy I brought to people by introducing them to their new furry family member.

would I like more money? of course.... but it's not everything to me. Ideally would I love to make this a registered nonprofit some day? Sure, I could probably get more donations that way since it would be more "trusted"
I have big dreams, and I will achieve them. Someday I'll be a non profit. Someday I'll be on the payroll... because if I'm earning a living I can afford to do more for the cats. I'd like to live on a farm so I can take in lots of ferals and give them a nice barn for shelter. I'd like to have a spare room or two for fostering. I'd like to have enough space to never turn away a cat...

so sure, this may seem like a joke to you now... but someday I'll be the one laughing, me and that cat you got rid of after it had kittens and you decided to keep one of the kittens instead. We'll be laughing and our heart will be full of love.

behind already

I got a bit off track after being sick, but I'm updating tonight which is already an improvement.

Tyler was home this weekend which I started off being sick, but by Saturday night I was well enough to be there for a boys night. It was fun, I played beer pong and wasn't awful, but definitely wasn't great (maybe that's a game you need to be drunk to play well?)
Sunday I made mahi mahi in a delicious orange ginger glaze, mmmm.... and we all went over to Angee's to watch the last episode of AHS Freak Show.

Yesterday I was extremely over whelmed all day, bordering on dissociation. Jared's mom wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday, so we went to Jumbo China for sushi <3 a="" afterward="" and="" at="" because="" could="" did="" find="" i="" if="" jared="" later="" mask="" more="" ollies="" on="" see="" sleep="" stopped="" style="font-weight: bold;" that="" they="" to="" wanted="">not
 find a sleep mask, but I did find a nice little mat to put under Honey's water bowl since her favorite game is "lets fling water out of our bowl until the rug is soaked" but I decided it wasn't absorbent enough and instead I'm using it for big Daddy's food so he doesn't have to eat on the cold cement. So far he's been standing next to it to eat.

On the ride home I felt almost like I was about to have little neck twitch, but instead I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head and felt myself leave my body. It only lasted a few seconds if that, but when I came back to my body I felt like I had just woken up. I wasn't overwhelmed anymore and everything felt oddly.... normal? I keep waiting for it to come back, that overwhelmed feeling, like the entire world is carrying on around me but I'm absent. I've grown so used to that feeling that I just don't believe it's really gone for good. Regardless I'm enjoying the time I have without it.

Today I was very productive, I cleaned my fish tank and brought in all 7 of the outside fish, Tuna is thrilled. After that Jared picked me up and we went grocery shopping at Aldi. It was so easy with a present mind, I don't think I forgot anything! When we got back and unloaded the groceries he had a therapy appointment, so I split up the chicken before freezing and got the pizza ready so it would be mostly done when he got home.... well and played a bit of Halo ;)

Positive thoughts. I need to enjoy the good times, live in the present.... and if the bad feelings return remember the good times, and remind myself it will pass again. PTSD is a roller coaster so I will have ups and downs, just don't give up during the downs; 

a shell of my former self....

....and figuring out how to fill it back up.

I've been a shell of my former self for so long now, I don't know how I got here or even where to begin to get it back. I feel like in sims when you fast forward too much and when you slow down your sims managed to mess up everything while on autopilot. I understand now why my cousin calls the last few years the lost years.... it truly feels like that.

it's odd, because I'm honestly still on autopilot a good 75% of the time, but I've slowed down enough to realize I'm missing chunks of my life. I'm still figuring it out... where did the time go? what do I do now? how to I get my life back? how do I stop from going back into autopilot mode?

I think it's a defense mechanism. When I get even the tiniest bit of stress my brain goes on a mini vacation. My body is present but my mind is gone. The funny thing is how good at faking it your body becomes. How people around you don't even notice that you're not there. I mean I am suddenly coming to and I want to scream at everyone how did you not notice I was missing?! I know, it's one of those things where you believe what you want to believe. it's so much easier to believe a loved one is fine, especially when you're caught up in enjoying your own life. My body was present and going through the motions of life so why would anyone think I wasn't really there?

I'm trying to explain this to myself honestly.... it's sort of like being sucked out to sea. I've been floating out there for a long time now and I'm finally getting close enough to see land, but then I get sucked under and confused and can't even tell which way is up to swim and get air. I struggle and swim towards shore only to get swept back out again. I can see everyone I know and love just sitting on the beach but I have no idea how to get back, it's all I can do not to drown sometimes. I just want someone to throw me a life preserver but it's like when someone is drowning but you can't tell if they're swimming or drowning so no one even notices.

I'll be sitting there and I notice everything... every instrument in a song that is playing much too loudly on the radio. it doesn't sound like a song, though, when you pick apart all the instruments. I can hear every noise the car is making, even the road under the tires and the gravel popping out from under them as we slow down to a stop. I can hear the birds in the tree, and you trying to talk over the radio. I notice that squirrel on the tree that has a weird knot in the trunk and 3 branches before the rest disappears into the leaves. I notice the seven doves at that green bird feeder in yard of the third house from the corner. I notice the red car behind us, and the blonde woman driving it who doesn't seem to know how far back she ought to stop. I notice the white car pulling up to the stop sign on the intersecting street and how he barely seems to be paying attention because he didn't stop soon enough in my opinion. I notice the stripes of his shirt, 3 tiny stripes in navy with white in between, then a thick green stripe. I notice the sun coming out from behind the clouds and how bright it's getting. I notice the burning smell coming from one of the cars near us.... or is that us? I hope it's not us... I notice your cologne. I notice the weight of my shirt and exactly where on my chest and back it's brushing my skin. I notice how tight my jeans are on my thighs. I notice every hair out of place and every hair blowing in the breeze against my face... it tickles, but I can't scratch it because I can also feel the makeup on my face and I hate how chalky and cakey it feels when I touch it. I can feel the mascara on my eye lashes and my eyelashes grazing my eyebrow. My heart starts to race, I can even hear my heartbeat. How can no one else be over whelmed by all the things going on right now?! How can you just be sitting there like nothing is happening? ....and then you continue driving because that was only a stop sign.

Then everything drifts to a dreamlike state and before I know it I'm at home in bed after a full day passing or even more, barely remembering any of it.... and then people get upset when I don't know the date or the day of the week or that I forgot to wash the cat dishes or haven't cleaned in 2 weeks or that I didn't text them in 4 days.... and all I can do is sit there and say sorry because I didn't even notice time was going by.

I desperately want to be better. I don't want to dissociate anymore. it's terrifying to be missing parts of your life.... but I'm thankful I at least have slowed down enough to realize I'm missing a lot of time.

I'm going to try a diary.... maybe even updating on here. if I force myself to write down what happened that day and how it made me feel maybe my brain will have to be more present? I know some days that will be too hard... on those days I'll try for at least a few words or on here some pictures.