a shell of my former self....

....and figuring out how to fill it back up.

I've been a shell of my former self for so long now, I don't know how I got here or even where to begin to get it back. I feel like in sims when you fast forward too much and when you slow down your sims managed to mess up everything while on autopilot. I understand now why my cousin calls the last few years the lost years.... it truly feels like that.

it's odd, because I'm honestly still on autopilot a good 75% of the time, but I've slowed down enough to realize I'm missing chunks of my life. I'm still figuring it out... where did the time go? what do I do now? how to I get my life back? how do I stop from going back into autopilot mode?

I think it's a defense mechanism. When I get even the tiniest bit of stress my brain goes on a mini vacation. My body is present but my mind is gone. The funny thing is how good at faking it your body becomes. How people around you don't even notice that you're not there. I mean I am suddenly coming to and I want to scream at everyone how did you not notice I was missing?! I know, it's one of those things where you believe what you want to believe. it's so much easier to believe a loved one is fine, especially when you're caught up in enjoying your own life. My body was present and going through the motions of life so why would anyone think I wasn't really there?

I'm trying to explain this to myself honestly.... it's sort of like being sucked out to sea. I've been floating out there for a long time now and I'm finally getting close enough to see land, but then I get sucked under and confused and can't even tell which way is up to swim and get air. I struggle and swim towards shore only to get swept back out again. I can see everyone I know and love just sitting on the beach but I have no idea how to get back, it's all I can do not to drown sometimes. I just want someone to throw me a life preserver but it's like when someone is drowning but you can't tell if they're swimming or drowning so no one even notices.

I'll be sitting there and I notice everything... every instrument in a song that is playing much too loudly on the radio. it doesn't sound like a song, though, when you pick apart all the instruments. I can hear every noise the car is making, even the road under the tires and the gravel popping out from under them as we slow down to a stop. I can hear the birds in the tree, and you trying to talk over the radio. I notice that squirrel on the tree that has a weird knot in the trunk and 3 branches before the rest disappears into the leaves. I notice the seven doves at that green bird feeder in yard of the third house from the corner. I notice the red car behind us, and the blonde woman driving it who doesn't seem to know how far back she ought to stop. I notice the white car pulling up to the stop sign on the intersecting street and how he barely seems to be paying attention because he didn't stop soon enough in my opinion. I notice the stripes of his shirt, 3 tiny stripes in navy with white in between, then a thick green stripe. I notice the sun coming out from behind the clouds and how bright it's getting. I notice the burning smell coming from one of the cars near us.... or is that us? I hope it's not us... I notice your cologne. I notice the weight of my shirt and exactly where on my chest and back it's brushing my skin. I notice how tight my jeans are on my thighs. I notice every hair out of place and every hair blowing in the breeze against my face... it tickles, but I can't scratch it because I can also feel the makeup on my face and I hate how chalky and cakey it feels when I touch it. I can feel the mascara on my eye lashes and my eyelashes grazing my eyebrow. My heart starts to race, I can even hear my heartbeat. How can no one else be over whelmed by all the things going on right now?! How can you just be sitting there like nothing is happening? ....and then you continue driving because that was only a stop sign.

Then everything drifts to a dreamlike state and before I know it I'm at home in bed after a full day passing or even more, barely remembering any of it.... and then people get upset when I don't know the date or the day of the week or that I forgot to wash the cat dishes or haven't cleaned in 2 weeks or that I didn't text them in 4 days.... and all I can do is sit there and say sorry because I didn't even notice time was going by.

I desperately want to be better. I don't want to dissociate anymore. it's terrifying to be missing parts of your life.... but I'm thankful I at least have slowed down enough to realize I'm missing a lot of time.

I'm going to try a diary.... maybe even updating on here. if I force myself to write down what happened that day and how it made me feel maybe my brain will have to be more present? I know some days that will be too hard... on those days I'll try for at least a few words or on here some pictures.