I'm sorry I'm here still when you just want to go start your own life.
I'm sorry I'm depressed all the time.
I'm sorry I can't hold it in all the time and say things that make you worry or bring you down.
I'm sorry most days I struggle to just get out of bed.
I'm sorry I often forget what you asked me to do.
I'm sorry I'm not very fun.
I'm sorry I have so many triggers.
I'm sorry I'm so delicate.
I'm sorry I'm not strong anymore.
I'm sorry I'm needy.
I'm sorry I'm useless.
I'm sorry I'm a burden.
I'm sorry I was born.
... I'm trying to be better, I just don't even know where to begin.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
Holidays
For me the Holiday Season has started.... it really begins on Halloween, but Christmas music is (or was) acceptable November 1st for me. I love this time of year; everyone is happy (in my mind), all the pretty lights, warm drinks, cuddling under blankets, thinking of super thoughtful gifts to let my loved ones know how much they mean to me, and of course celebrating Jesus's birthday... and traditions. all the wonderful traditions.
but for the past few years I just couldn't feel the Christmas spirit... I really struggled with this because for me I love Christmas done to my core, like to the point that in my opinion it's part of who I am. It's all deeply rooted in the traditions. Growing up my parents din't have a lot of money, and while for most kids the highlight of Christmas is getting lots of presents, for me it was the build up. My parents did an amazing job of making sure we got plenty on Christmas, but even more than that was going to pick a tree every year, making cookies, the little visits from Santa, finding random goodies in our advent calendar that Santa would leave occasionally, going for a drive to look at lights, and of course Christmas music.
if I'm being honest, it's because a lot has changed and I feel like the only one left standing here grasping the frayed up traditions while everyone else moves on with their life... any time someone honors a tradition it's very apparent that this is a chore and they would much rather be doing something else. I nearly broke down this year when my dad said he's getting a table top tree because the baby is too young to even care.... I still exist....
it's my year to pick a tree. in fact it was my year last year but my dad got a free tree and promised I could pick this year, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore... even though it's probably my last Christmas in this house... our last Christmas together.
I struggle when he says the cookies he is making and he's doing it himself because he just wants to get it over with.
if I'm being honest with myself, it's also because of the rape. For a long time now almost everything has lost it's fun and meaning. Nothing really mattered. I can't even explain why... and I can't really explain what changed... except I read somewhere that disassociation was your body's way of protecting itself... when you get a flashback and you disassociate your body can't deal with the flash back. I've recently stopped disassociating so much, so maybe my mind is ready to start healing and dealing with it?
I don't know what changed, but I'm really excited for Christmas. So today I downloaded some Christmas music and started a playlist. I've explained to Jared that he has to humor me sometimes and listen to Christmas music... for my mental health I need this. I also started cleaning my room up more so I can decorate it this year. I may not have all the traditions with my family, but I can start new ones with Jared.
I think part of it is Kaliel too... I know she's too young to really experience and understand Christmas yet, but I'm still so excited to have a niece for Christmas this year :)
I'm trying to think of all the songs I want and started tearing up singing some of the more religious ones... as much as I have been through in life I am here. God is good, and that is why I love Christmas.... to me every smile on a strangers face this time of year is also filled with the Christmas Spirit.... and even if they don't realize it also with the Holy Spirit.... so be kind this season (and all the time), let God act through you and in you
but for the past few years I just couldn't feel the Christmas spirit... I really struggled with this because for me I love Christmas done to my core, like to the point that in my opinion it's part of who I am. It's all deeply rooted in the traditions. Growing up my parents din't have a lot of money, and while for most kids the highlight of Christmas is getting lots of presents, for me it was the build up. My parents did an amazing job of making sure we got plenty on Christmas, but even more than that was going to pick a tree every year, making cookies, the little visits from Santa, finding random goodies in our advent calendar that Santa would leave occasionally, going for a drive to look at lights, and of course Christmas music.
if I'm being honest, it's because a lot has changed and I feel like the only one left standing here grasping the frayed up traditions while everyone else moves on with their life... any time someone honors a tradition it's very apparent that this is a chore and they would much rather be doing something else. I nearly broke down this year when my dad said he's getting a table top tree because the baby is too young to even care.... I still exist....
it's my year to pick a tree. in fact it was my year last year but my dad got a free tree and promised I could pick this year, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore... even though it's probably my last Christmas in this house... our last Christmas together.
I struggle when he says the cookies he is making and he's doing it himself because he just wants to get it over with.
if I'm being honest with myself, it's also because of the rape. For a long time now almost everything has lost it's fun and meaning. Nothing really mattered. I can't even explain why... and I can't really explain what changed... except I read somewhere that disassociation was your body's way of protecting itself... when you get a flashback and you disassociate your body can't deal with the flash back. I've recently stopped disassociating so much, so maybe my mind is ready to start healing and dealing with it?
I don't know what changed, but I'm really excited for Christmas. So today I downloaded some Christmas music and started a playlist. I've explained to Jared that he has to humor me sometimes and listen to Christmas music... for my mental health I need this. I also started cleaning my room up more so I can decorate it this year. I may not have all the traditions with my family, but I can start new ones with Jared.
I think part of it is Kaliel too... I know she's too young to really experience and understand Christmas yet, but I'm still so excited to have a niece for Christmas this year :)
I'm trying to think of all the songs I want and started tearing up singing some of the more religious ones... as much as I have been through in life I am here. God is good, and that is why I love Christmas.... to me every smile on a strangers face this time of year is also filled with the Christmas Spirit.... and even if they don't realize it also with the Holy Spirit.... so be kind this season (and all the time), let God act through you and in you
Friday, October 23, 2015
Think.
I still haven't been great at updating.... but that's not what this post is about.
I needed a place to rant.
I run a cat rescue.... it may not be Non profit certified or "official" yet, but that only because that takes a few hundred dollars and all my money has gone to saving lives... so somehow a piece of paper from the government just doesn't seem that pressing right now.
No, it doesn't pay... at least not in money. It pays in warm fuzzy hugs. It pays in face rubs. It pays in purrs. It pays in smiles when an adopter first meets their new family member. It pays in happy updates... it pays in the most rewarding ways, I cannot describe the happiness, love, and pride that fills you when you first get to pet a feral cat after months or longer of gaining their trust. More important than all that even, it saved my life. I have been struggling for a while now, it's no secret. This gives me a purpose. This makes me feel fulfilled. This makes me feel useful. On the days I forget all that... on the days I'm struggling again, I have too many cats relying on me to ever give up on life.
What I do is hard work. I have trespassed, crawled through garbage, squeezed into a shed entirely too small for me to carry kittens to safety before it gets too cold for them. I have run barefoot through the snow because a quick feeding led to me hearing a cat in distress somewhere in the distance. I have stayed up all night force feeding sick kittens. I have rushed to the emergency vet because of sick kittens. I have caught multiple trap shy or too sick cats with snuggies. I have rushed a very sick and injured cat to the emergency vet at 5am and made very tough decisions when the vet called back with more information. I have spent countless hours working with feral cats who have no reason to trust a human... that cat you decided you didn't want anymore and asked for my help with? You sit back and don't give it a send thought.... I post tirelessly hoping the right person will see it. When facebook returns no help I resort to craigslist, a much more complicated source of adopters where you gut instinct is the MOST important screening tool. After months of trying to rehome your 14yr old cat you get angry with me for not getting this cat out of your home yet... then when I find a home you refuse to lift a finger, so I must find a ride to your house, let myself in, coax the cat who has never met me into the carrier, and take the cat to it's new home which is even more out of my way... I have given kitten enemas more times that I can count. I have been peed on, pooped on, puked on. I have had to change my sheets at 5am because the kittens figured out how to climb in bed with me but are not old enough to fully understand the litter box or control their bladders. I have had to figure out food allergies. I have administered countless dewormers and antibiotics. I have trimmed nails, brushed fur, and cut mats. I have been attacked and accidentally clawed. I have literally put my blood sweat and tears into this. I have done more than most people would even think of doing...
so please, don't disrespect me by asking if I want to do something with animals for a living.... I'm sorry I'm not in it for the money. I'm sorry my brain can see things more valuable than money. I'm sorry a life is worth more to me. Except I'm not sorry.... because if more people even cared half as much as I do about their own cats we wouldn't have this problem in the first place. I'm sorry you can't comprehend that a life is worth more than money. I'm sorry you don't see that by working more hours to get more money you're giving yourself less time to enjoy that money.... making it all pointless. I'm sorry you are stuck in society's ideals and that you can't see there is so much more. I'm sorry I can't open your eyes and show you that it's not money that makes you rich, but the things you experience during life. On my death bed I won't be thinking "man I wish I had more money" I'll be looking back at all the kitty lives I saved. All the joy I brought to people by introducing them to their new furry family member.
would I like more money? of course.... but it's not everything to me. Ideally would I love to make this a registered nonprofit some day? Sure, I could probably get more donations that way since it would be more "trusted"
I have big dreams, and I will achieve them. Someday I'll be a non profit. Someday I'll be on the payroll... because if I'm earning a living I can afford to do more for the cats. I'd like to live on a farm so I can take in lots of ferals and give them a nice barn for shelter. I'd like to have a spare room or two for fostering. I'd like to have enough space to never turn away a cat...
so sure, this may seem like a joke to you now... but someday I'll be the one laughing, me and that cat you got rid of after it had kittens and you decided to keep one of the kittens instead. We'll be laughing and our heart will be full of love.
I needed a place to rant.
I run a cat rescue.... it may not be Non profit certified or "official" yet, but that only because that takes a few hundred dollars and all my money has gone to saving lives... so somehow a piece of paper from the government just doesn't seem that pressing right now.
No, it doesn't pay... at least not in money. It pays in warm fuzzy hugs. It pays in face rubs. It pays in purrs. It pays in smiles when an adopter first meets their new family member. It pays in happy updates... it pays in the most rewarding ways, I cannot describe the happiness, love, and pride that fills you when you first get to pet a feral cat after months or longer of gaining their trust. More important than all that even, it saved my life. I have been struggling for a while now, it's no secret. This gives me a purpose. This makes me feel fulfilled. This makes me feel useful. On the days I forget all that... on the days I'm struggling again, I have too many cats relying on me to ever give up on life.
What I do is hard work. I have trespassed, crawled through garbage, squeezed into a shed entirely too small for me to carry kittens to safety before it gets too cold for them. I have run barefoot through the snow because a quick feeding led to me hearing a cat in distress somewhere in the distance. I have stayed up all night force feeding sick kittens. I have rushed to the emergency vet because of sick kittens. I have caught multiple trap shy or too sick cats with snuggies. I have rushed a very sick and injured cat to the emergency vet at 5am and made very tough decisions when the vet called back with more information. I have spent countless hours working with feral cats who have no reason to trust a human... that cat you decided you didn't want anymore and asked for my help with? You sit back and don't give it a send thought.... I post tirelessly hoping the right person will see it. When facebook returns no help I resort to craigslist, a much more complicated source of adopters where you gut instinct is the MOST important screening tool. After months of trying to rehome your 14yr old cat you get angry with me for not getting this cat out of your home yet... then when I find a home you refuse to lift a finger, so I must find a ride to your house, let myself in, coax the cat who has never met me into the carrier, and take the cat to it's new home which is even more out of my way... I have given kitten enemas more times that I can count. I have been peed on, pooped on, puked on. I have had to change my sheets at 5am because the kittens figured out how to climb in bed with me but are not old enough to fully understand the litter box or control their bladders. I have had to figure out food allergies. I have administered countless dewormers and antibiotics. I have trimmed nails, brushed fur, and cut mats. I have been attacked and accidentally clawed. I have literally put my blood sweat and tears into this. I have done more than most people would even think of doing...
so please, don't disrespect me by asking if I want to do something with animals for a living.... I'm sorry I'm not in it for the money. I'm sorry my brain can see things more valuable than money. I'm sorry a life is worth more to me. Except I'm not sorry.... because if more people even cared half as much as I do about their own cats we wouldn't have this problem in the first place. I'm sorry you can't comprehend that a life is worth more than money. I'm sorry you don't see that by working more hours to get more money you're giving yourself less time to enjoy that money.... making it all pointless. I'm sorry you are stuck in society's ideals and that you can't see there is so much more. I'm sorry I can't open your eyes and show you that it's not money that makes you rich, but the things you experience during life. On my death bed I won't be thinking "man I wish I had more money" I'll be looking back at all the kitty lives I saved. All the joy I brought to people by introducing them to their new furry family member.
would I like more money? of course.... but it's not everything to me. Ideally would I love to make this a registered nonprofit some day? Sure, I could probably get more donations that way since it would be more "trusted"
I have big dreams, and I will achieve them. Someday I'll be a non profit. Someday I'll be on the payroll... because if I'm earning a living I can afford to do more for the cats. I'd like to live on a farm so I can take in lots of ferals and give them a nice barn for shelter. I'd like to have a spare room or two for fostering. I'd like to have enough space to never turn away a cat...
so sure, this may seem like a joke to you now... but someday I'll be the one laughing, me and that cat you got rid of after it had kittens and you decided to keep one of the kittens instead. We'll be laughing and our heart will be full of love.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
behind already
I got a bit off track after being sick, but I'm updating tonight which is already an improvement.
Tyler was home this weekend which I started off being sick, but by Saturday night I was well enough to be there for a boys night. It was fun, I played beer pong and wasn't awful, but definitely wasn't great (maybe that's a game you need to be drunk to play well?)
Sunday I made mahi mahi in a delicious orange ginger glaze, mmmm.... and we all went over to Angee's to watch the last episode of AHS Freak Show.
Yesterday I was extremely over whelmed all day, bordering on dissociation. Jared's mom wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday, so we went to Jumbo China for sushi <3 a="" afterward="" and="" at="" because="" could="" did="" find="" i="" if="" jared="" later="" mask="" more="" ollies="" on="" see="" sleep="" stopped="" style="font-weight: bold;" that="" they="" to="" wanted="">not
find a sleep mask, but I did find a nice little mat to put under Honey's water bowl since her favorite game is "lets fling water out of our bowl until the rug is soaked" but I decided it wasn't absorbent enough and instead I'm using it for big Daddy's food so he doesn't have to eat on the cold cement. So far he's been standing next to it to eat.
On the ride home I felt almost like I was about to have little neck twitch, but instead I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head and felt myself leave my body. It only lasted a few seconds if that, but when I came back to my body I felt like I had just woken up. I wasn't overwhelmed anymore and everything felt oddly.... normal? I keep waiting for it to come back, that overwhelmed feeling, like the entire world is carrying on around me but I'm absent. I've grown so used to that feeling that I just don't believe it's really gone for good. Regardless I'm enjoying the time I have without it.
Today I was very productive, I cleaned my fish tank and brought in all 7 of the outside fish, Tuna is thrilled. After that Jared picked me up and we went grocery shopping at Aldi. It was so easy with a present mind, I don't think I forgot anything! When we got back and unloaded the groceries he had a therapy appointment, so I split up the chicken before freezing and got the pizza ready so it would be mostly done when he got home.... well and played a bit of Halo ;)
Positive thoughts. I need to enjoy the good times, live in the present.... and if the bad feelings return remember the good times, and remind myself it will pass again. PTSD is a roller coaster so I will have ups and downs, just don't give up during the downs;
Tyler was home this weekend which I started off being sick, but by Saturday night I was well enough to be there for a boys night. It was fun, I played beer pong and wasn't awful, but definitely wasn't great (maybe that's a game you need to be drunk to play well?)
Sunday I made mahi mahi in a delicious orange ginger glaze, mmmm.... and we all went over to Angee's to watch the last episode of AHS Freak Show.
Yesterday I was extremely over whelmed all day, bordering on dissociation. Jared's mom wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday, so we went to Jumbo China for sushi <3 a="" afterward="" and="" at="" because="" could="" did="" find="" i="" if="" jared="" later="" mask="" more="" ollies="" on="" see="" sleep="" stopped="" style="font-weight: bold;" that="" they="" to="" wanted="">not
find a sleep mask, but I did find a nice little mat to put under Honey's water bowl since her favorite game is "lets fling water out of our bowl until the rug is soaked" but I decided it wasn't absorbent enough and instead I'm using it for big Daddy's food so he doesn't have to eat on the cold cement. So far he's been standing next to it to eat.
On the ride home I felt almost like I was about to have little neck twitch, but instead I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head and felt myself leave my body. It only lasted a few seconds if that, but when I came back to my body I felt like I had just woken up. I wasn't overwhelmed anymore and everything felt oddly.... normal? I keep waiting for it to come back, that overwhelmed feeling, like the entire world is carrying on around me but I'm absent. I've grown so used to that feeling that I just don't believe it's really gone for good. Regardless I'm enjoying the time I have without it.
Today I was very productive, I cleaned my fish tank and brought in all 7 of the outside fish, Tuna is thrilled. After that Jared picked me up and we went grocery shopping at Aldi. It was so easy with a present mind, I don't think I forgot anything! When we got back and unloaded the groceries he had a therapy appointment, so I split up the chicken before freezing and got the pizza ready so it would be mostly done when he got home.... well and played a bit of Halo ;)
Positive thoughts. I need to enjoy the good times, live in the present.... and if the bad feelings return remember the good times, and remind myself it will pass again. PTSD is a roller coaster so I will have ups and downs, just don't give up during the downs;
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
a shell of my former self....
....and figuring out how to fill it back up.
I've been a shell of my former self for so long now, I don't know how I got here or even where to begin to get it back. I feel like in sims when you fast forward too much and when you slow down your sims managed to mess up everything while on autopilot. I understand now why my cousin calls the last few years the lost years.... it truly feels like that.
it's odd, because I'm honestly still on autopilot a good 75% of the time, but I've slowed down enough to realize I'm missing chunks of my life. I'm still figuring it out... where did the time go? what do I do now? how to I get my life back? how do I stop from going back into autopilot mode?
I think it's a defense mechanism. When I get even the tiniest bit of stress my brain goes on a mini vacation. My body is present but my mind is gone. The funny thing is how good at faking it your body becomes. How people around you don't even notice that you're not there. I mean I am suddenly coming to and I want to scream at everyone how did you not notice I was missing?! I know, it's one of those things where you believe what you want to believe. it's so much easier to believe a loved one is fine, especially when you're caught up in enjoying your own life. My body was present and going through the motions of life so why would anyone think I wasn't really there?
I'm trying to explain this to myself honestly.... it's sort of like being sucked out to sea. I've been floating out there for a long time now and I'm finally getting close enough to see land, but then I get sucked under and confused and can't even tell which way is up to swim and get air. I struggle and swim towards shore only to get swept back out again. I can see everyone I know and love just sitting on the beach but I have no idea how to get back, it's all I can do not to drown sometimes. I just want someone to throw me a life preserver but it's like when someone is drowning but you can't tell if they're swimming or drowning so no one even notices.
I'll be sitting there and I notice everything... every instrument in a song that is playing much too loudly on the radio. it doesn't sound like a song, though, when you pick apart all the instruments. I can hear every noise the car is making, even the road under the tires and the gravel popping out from under them as we slow down to a stop. I can hear the birds in the tree, and you trying to talk over the radio. I notice that squirrel on the tree that has a weird knot in the trunk and 3 branches before the rest disappears into the leaves. I notice the seven doves at that green bird feeder in yard of the third house from the corner. I notice the red car behind us, and the blonde woman driving it who doesn't seem to know how far back she ought to stop. I notice the white car pulling up to the stop sign on the intersecting street and how he barely seems to be paying attention because he didn't stop soon enough in my opinion. I notice the stripes of his shirt, 3 tiny stripes in navy with white in between, then a thick green stripe. I notice the sun coming out from behind the clouds and how bright it's getting. I notice the burning smell coming from one of the cars near us.... or is that us? I hope it's not us... I notice your cologne. I notice the weight of my shirt and exactly where on my chest and back it's brushing my skin. I notice how tight my jeans are on my thighs. I notice every hair out of place and every hair blowing in the breeze against my face... it tickles, but I can't scratch it because I can also feel the makeup on my face and I hate how chalky and cakey it feels when I touch it. I can feel the mascara on my eye lashes and my eyelashes grazing my eyebrow. My heart starts to race, I can even hear my heartbeat. How can no one else be over whelmed by all the things going on right now?! How can you just be sitting there like nothing is happening? ....and then you continue driving because that was only a stop sign.
Then everything drifts to a dreamlike state and before I know it I'm at home in bed after a full day passing or even more, barely remembering any of it.... and then people get upset when I don't know the date or the day of the week or that I forgot to wash the cat dishes or haven't cleaned in 2 weeks or that I didn't text them in 4 days.... and all I can do is sit there and say sorry because I didn't even notice time was going by.
I desperately want to be better. I don't want to dissociate anymore. it's terrifying to be missing parts of your life.... but I'm thankful I at least have slowed down enough to realize I'm missing a lot of time.
I'm going to try a diary.... maybe even updating on here. if I force myself to write down what happened that day and how it made me feel maybe my brain will have to be more present? I know some days that will be too hard... on those days I'll try for at least a few words or on here some pictures.
I've been a shell of my former self for so long now, I don't know how I got here or even where to begin to get it back. I feel like in sims when you fast forward too much and when you slow down your sims managed to mess up everything while on autopilot. I understand now why my cousin calls the last few years the lost years.... it truly feels like that.
it's odd, because I'm honestly still on autopilot a good 75% of the time, but I've slowed down enough to realize I'm missing chunks of my life. I'm still figuring it out... where did the time go? what do I do now? how to I get my life back? how do I stop from going back into autopilot mode?
I think it's a defense mechanism. When I get even the tiniest bit of stress my brain goes on a mini vacation. My body is present but my mind is gone. The funny thing is how good at faking it your body becomes. How people around you don't even notice that you're not there. I mean I am suddenly coming to and I want to scream at everyone how did you not notice I was missing?! I know, it's one of those things where you believe what you want to believe. it's so much easier to believe a loved one is fine, especially when you're caught up in enjoying your own life. My body was present and going through the motions of life so why would anyone think I wasn't really there?
I'm trying to explain this to myself honestly.... it's sort of like being sucked out to sea. I've been floating out there for a long time now and I'm finally getting close enough to see land, but then I get sucked under and confused and can't even tell which way is up to swim and get air. I struggle and swim towards shore only to get swept back out again. I can see everyone I know and love just sitting on the beach but I have no idea how to get back, it's all I can do not to drown sometimes. I just want someone to throw me a life preserver but it's like when someone is drowning but you can't tell if they're swimming or drowning so no one even notices.
I'll be sitting there and I notice everything... every instrument in a song that is playing much too loudly on the radio. it doesn't sound like a song, though, when you pick apart all the instruments. I can hear every noise the car is making, even the road under the tires and the gravel popping out from under them as we slow down to a stop. I can hear the birds in the tree, and you trying to talk over the radio. I notice that squirrel on the tree that has a weird knot in the trunk and 3 branches before the rest disappears into the leaves. I notice the seven doves at that green bird feeder in yard of the third house from the corner. I notice the red car behind us, and the blonde woman driving it who doesn't seem to know how far back she ought to stop. I notice the white car pulling up to the stop sign on the intersecting street and how he barely seems to be paying attention because he didn't stop soon enough in my opinion. I notice the stripes of his shirt, 3 tiny stripes in navy with white in between, then a thick green stripe. I notice the sun coming out from behind the clouds and how bright it's getting. I notice the burning smell coming from one of the cars near us.... or is that us? I hope it's not us... I notice your cologne. I notice the weight of my shirt and exactly where on my chest and back it's brushing my skin. I notice how tight my jeans are on my thighs. I notice every hair out of place and every hair blowing in the breeze against my face... it tickles, but I can't scratch it because I can also feel the makeup on my face and I hate how chalky and cakey it feels when I touch it. I can feel the mascara on my eye lashes and my eyelashes grazing my eyebrow. My heart starts to race, I can even hear my heartbeat. How can no one else be over whelmed by all the things going on right now?! How can you just be sitting there like nothing is happening? ....and then you continue driving because that was only a stop sign.
Then everything drifts to a dreamlike state and before I know it I'm at home in bed after a full day passing or even more, barely remembering any of it.... and then people get upset when I don't know the date or the day of the week or that I forgot to wash the cat dishes or haven't cleaned in 2 weeks or that I didn't text them in 4 days.... and all I can do is sit there and say sorry because I didn't even notice time was going by.
I desperately want to be better. I don't want to dissociate anymore. it's terrifying to be missing parts of your life.... but I'm thankful I at least have slowed down enough to realize I'm missing a lot of time.
I'm going to try a diary.... maybe even updating on here. if I force myself to write down what happened that day and how it made me feel maybe my brain will have to be more present? I know some days that will be too hard... on those days I'll try for at least a few words or on here some pictures.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Please understand...
for a while now I have been having these episodes where I don't fee like me.... I've struggled to explain it because I'm not great with words and while it's happening I'm too overwhelmed and when it's gone it's even harder to find the words to describe it. The other night I was killing time sitting in the living room because lately spending more time in my lonely room than I have to is just torture when I figured some words to google and I actually found a name for it. two words actually.... depersonalization and derealization. for me it mostly happens together, but when I'm lucky it will just be the depersonalization.
I'll try my best to walk you through it because I certainly hope no one reading this has ever experience it.
there are two ways it starts....
1. my heart starts to race as if I'm going to have a panic attack (sometimes that does happen with it) and slowly I can't feel much of my body in a way. I don't feel like I'm in it. I can't feel my feet on the ground or the weight of myself... I know that sounds hard to grasp, like I might be describing my limbs go numb, but that's not it. more like they are someone else's limbs. yes if you poke me I'll feel it, but my brain doesn't process it how it normally would, and it just feels weird partly because I don't feel attached to what I am feeling and partially because touch itself doesn't feel normal... the worst part may be talking though. everyone elses words are like having 20tv shows on at once at max volume. my own voice is no controlled.... the speed, the volume, even pronunciations. I tried to say banana the other day and instead it came out at berna.
2. is more like BAM! you don't notice it. you're fine, then you go to talk and suddenly the words feel and sound like they come from someone else and they don't come out the way they should. as I mentioned banana earlier, that was actually a sudden episode. I was getting out of the car trying to tell jared I had brought along a banana for a snack and managed "broughta berna" I then say back in the car for a few seconds trying not to panic.... normally when things happen like that you're having a stroke so it's a bit jarring. it's scary when the words you are trying to say are not coming out how they should, and your brain doesn't process them as if they have come from your mouth. feeling like you're on the outside looking in when it comes to your body is one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced.
now from there it can go two ways... it might slowly fade out until I feel like I'm back in my body, sort of like my soul just went for a little stroll elsewhere.
if it doesn't come back I'll start to notice I'm having trouble focusing on any one thing, sort of like my eyeballs are twitchy and when I try to focus on something it looks like it's shaking or something. this is the derealization beginning... this is the big guns. soon the whole world feels like a dream. I can't focus and nothing seems real. I could be at the most beautiful spot on earth, but I'm unable to take in the beauty because it just feels like a foggy dream that I can't focus on. everything seems pointless and fake. pointless. and. fake. this is where I get scared, and I have a tough time writing this because I don't want to upset anyone that reads this, but I need to get out what I'm feeling....
at this point I get really upset. my body isn't mine. I'm an alien in it and it obviously doesn't want me in control. everything seems meaningless. insignificant. everything. I feel like I am dead. like I am a ghost stuck here.... and I don't think I could ever actually kill myself, but going through this I understand why people get to that point. sometimes during an episode that seems like a perfectly reasonable action to take, especially since I don't feel alive anyway. death seems insignificant... more of a what if... what if I jumped in front of this truck? what if I jumped out this window? ...what if I slit my wrists? but I stop there, because that one scares me. maybe because it's more real for me? regardless I understand the action, and that scares me. it feels like any release from this half life would be great. like maybe when you die you'd feel something instead of just numbness.
so that's a typical episode.... or as best as I could describe it. now throw in that this is all triggered by anxiety and my senses are in overdrive. I cannot stop thinking and thinking everything. I'm stuck in my head, in my own little world. so much so that I have actually missed minutes at a time... I have no idea where they went, but chunks of time are missing from my days.
to whom it concern, I hope that helps. Please understand I'm not trying to make anyone upset by being thoughtless lately. it's quite the oposite actually, I have SO many flight or fight thoughts going on in my head about things that happened 4yrs ago and things that could happen, I just forgot that one thing you wanted me to remember.... and it's not even a lot to remember, I shouldn't have any problem doing so because you're not asking a lot.... but I did forget and I'm sorry. and lately I feel like I am made of glass. one criticism on top of an episode and I'll just shatter into a million pieces. I am not mad, I just take it all to heart. I can't help it. I feel like I'm slowly losing myself. like every episode takes a bit more of a me with it.... when I'm reminded I let it mess something else up again I just lose it on the inside. I try to keep it together and tel you I'll do it next time, and maybe I manage that at least... but on the inside it is, "seriously you moron? you couldn't manage to do even that one little thing? you let them down again. you let everyone down. you let yourself down and now there is going to be nothing left"
today we went to my friend's house to watch an episode of AHS and I nearly had to leave before we got inside because I was having an episode mixed with a panic attack...because the anxiety of going to my good friend's house was just too much for me.
I feel like I'm drowning. like everyone else is swimming.... but I don't know how to swim and they make it look so easy. I want nothing more than to feel normal again. to feel again. I must be keeping it together well on the outside because only Jared and Brandi ask me how I'm doing.... Brandi as a blanket statement because she knows I have many issues, but Jared is genuinely good at telling how I'm doing.
that's where some of my anxiety is coming from.... my family is so caught up in their own lives I'm not sure they even notice I'm fighting for my life. my sister has a baby on the way so she needs to be happy. I try ot talk to my mom but she is enjoying her new life with her boyfriend.... so she's not home much. when I try to talk to her she seems annoyed so I mostly don't now.... and dad... well he's not great to talk to. everything is changing. I'm scared because Kera is having a baby, mom is moving out, and I'm getting kicked out. I don't even know where I'll live, homeless shelters don't allow cats. everything is changing and I'm going to be left in the dust....
I'll try my best to walk you through it because I certainly hope no one reading this has ever experience it.
there are two ways it starts....
1. my heart starts to race as if I'm going to have a panic attack (sometimes that does happen with it) and slowly I can't feel much of my body in a way. I don't feel like I'm in it. I can't feel my feet on the ground or the weight of myself... I know that sounds hard to grasp, like I might be describing my limbs go numb, but that's not it. more like they are someone else's limbs. yes if you poke me I'll feel it, but my brain doesn't process it how it normally would, and it just feels weird partly because I don't feel attached to what I am feeling and partially because touch itself doesn't feel normal... the worst part may be talking though. everyone elses words are like having 20tv shows on at once at max volume. my own voice is no controlled.... the speed, the volume, even pronunciations. I tried to say banana the other day and instead it came out at berna.
2. is more like BAM! you don't notice it. you're fine, then you go to talk and suddenly the words feel and sound like they come from someone else and they don't come out the way they should. as I mentioned banana earlier, that was actually a sudden episode. I was getting out of the car trying to tell jared I had brought along a banana for a snack and managed "broughta berna" I then say back in the car for a few seconds trying not to panic.... normally when things happen like that you're having a stroke so it's a bit jarring. it's scary when the words you are trying to say are not coming out how they should, and your brain doesn't process them as if they have come from your mouth. feeling like you're on the outside looking in when it comes to your body is one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced.
now from there it can go two ways... it might slowly fade out until I feel like I'm back in my body, sort of like my soul just went for a little stroll elsewhere.
if it doesn't come back I'll start to notice I'm having trouble focusing on any one thing, sort of like my eyeballs are twitchy and when I try to focus on something it looks like it's shaking or something. this is the derealization beginning... this is the big guns. soon the whole world feels like a dream. I can't focus and nothing seems real. I could be at the most beautiful spot on earth, but I'm unable to take in the beauty because it just feels like a foggy dream that I can't focus on. everything seems pointless and fake. pointless. and. fake. this is where I get scared, and I have a tough time writing this because I don't want to upset anyone that reads this, but I need to get out what I'm feeling....
at this point I get really upset. my body isn't mine. I'm an alien in it and it obviously doesn't want me in control. everything seems meaningless. insignificant. everything. I feel like I am dead. like I am a ghost stuck here.... and I don't think I could ever actually kill myself, but going through this I understand why people get to that point. sometimes during an episode that seems like a perfectly reasonable action to take, especially since I don't feel alive anyway. death seems insignificant... more of a what if... what if I jumped in front of this truck? what if I jumped out this window? ...what if I slit my wrists? but I stop there, because that one scares me. maybe because it's more real for me? regardless I understand the action, and that scares me. it feels like any release from this half life would be great. like maybe when you die you'd feel something instead of just numbness.
so that's a typical episode.... or as best as I could describe it. now throw in that this is all triggered by anxiety and my senses are in overdrive. I cannot stop thinking and thinking everything. I'm stuck in my head, in my own little world. so much so that I have actually missed minutes at a time... I have no idea where they went, but chunks of time are missing from my days.
to whom it concern, I hope that helps. Please understand I'm not trying to make anyone upset by being thoughtless lately. it's quite the oposite actually, I have SO many flight or fight thoughts going on in my head about things that happened 4yrs ago and things that could happen, I just forgot that one thing you wanted me to remember.... and it's not even a lot to remember, I shouldn't have any problem doing so because you're not asking a lot.... but I did forget and I'm sorry. and lately I feel like I am made of glass. one criticism on top of an episode and I'll just shatter into a million pieces. I am not mad, I just take it all to heart. I can't help it. I feel like I'm slowly losing myself. like every episode takes a bit more of a me with it.... when I'm reminded I let it mess something else up again I just lose it on the inside. I try to keep it together and tel you I'll do it next time, and maybe I manage that at least... but on the inside it is, "seriously you moron? you couldn't manage to do even that one little thing? you let them down again. you let everyone down. you let yourself down and now there is going to be nothing left"
today we went to my friend's house to watch an episode of AHS and I nearly had to leave before we got inside because I was having an episode mixed with a panic attack...because the anxiety of going to my good friend's house was just too much for me.
I feel like I'm drowning. like everyone else is swimming.... but I don't know how to swim and they make it look so easy. I want nothing more than to feel normal again. to feel again. I must be keeping it together well on the outside because only Jared and Brandi ask me how I'm doing.... Brandi as a blanket statement because she knows I have many issues, but Jared is genuinely good at telling how I'm doing.
that's where some of my anxiety is coming from.... my family is so caught up in their own lives I'm not sure they even notice I'm fighting for my life. my sister has a baby on the way so she needs to be happy. I try ot talk to my mom but she is enjoying her new life with her boyfriend.... so she's not home much. when I try to talk to her she seems annoyed so I mostly don't now.... and dad... well he's not great to talk to. everything is changing. I'm scared because Kera is having a baby, mom is moving out, and I'm getting kicked out. I don't even know where I'll live, homeless shelters don't allow cats. everything is changing and I'm going to be left in the dust....
Thursday, May 21, 2015
forgiveness
Last night while watching AHS season three I forgot about the rape scene in the first episode.... how could I forget? I don't even know honestly.... I think I tend to block out those scenes from most things. I then came home and discussed fostering kittens with my mom and she shot down that idea, which was really the last thing I needed to hear at that moment. Kenhorst Cats has helped me get through a lot of things. I've been struggling so much lately that fostering kittens was the only thing I've been holding on to, everything else is so far off and so dependent on Jared that it isn't enough to keep my head up. I am not mad at my mom for this... I understand her reasoning. our 7 cats have been "marking their territory" all over the house and she doesn't want it to get any worse.... but that doesn't make it any easier to hear.
Since then I've been struggling.... in an all honesty thing I'm trying to do here treating this like my journal, I relapsed and cut last night. I was in a dark place. I want to make it clean I never cut to try to kill myself. I'm much too afraid of death, I care too much for those who would miss me, and I have 5 cats who need me. It's just not an option for me, even as hard as living is on days like today. I'd be lying if I said suicide never seemed like my only way of finding relief sometimes. but people keep telling me I'm the strongest person they know so I keep telling myself that... plus like I said I just couldn't hurt all those I'd be leaving behind.
Jared knew today would be bad before he even talked to me.... he was also struggling with it last night too, he feels a lot of guilt since he was in the next room. I've told him a thousand times he didn't know, and I know if he had he would have done something... in fact I'm glad he didn't realize what was happening because he'd probably be in jail for murder right now. but much like I'll always feel guilt for what happened to Tulip now matter how many people tell me I did everything I could have, I know I can't help him stop feeling guilty. anyway, he got done work early today but told me to let him know when I was ready to be picked up because he knew I needed space.
I spent the first few hours of my day cleaning my room. I got a lot accomplished. I'm trying super hard to get everything in order. I want my room to be my haven. I plan on taking down the bar above my bed and replacing it with a cat shelf for my girls... leaving me wondering what to do with my dresses when that happens. staying busy organizing and planning helps keep my mind from lingering in those dark places.
I can only organize for so long though, as I explained my brain doesn't process that well... so after 2-3hrs I showered and had him pick me up. I feel badly for him because I was distant today. I can't help it.... I'm filled with hatred today. I'm angry at myself for not screaming. I'm angry at myself for not getting help right away which may have prevented the coma (and all my family went through while I was in it). I'm angry at God because I feel like I have gotten shit on by life for pretty much most of my life.... but most of all I'm filled with hatred towards him.
holding onto anger only hurts you, not the person who wronged you.... holding onto anger is like letting someone live rent free in your head... saying like these have been bouncing around my head all day. but how do you forgive someone who wronged you so deeply? someone who violated you so violently you wound up in the hospital with a bruised lung rapidly filling with fluid? someone that caused you to be put into a coma for 9 days? that hurt your family by having them see you like that?
I don't know where to begin.... do I have to forgive him?
Since then I've been struggling.... in an all honesty thing I'm trying to do here treating this like my journal, I relapsed and cut last night. I was in a dark place. I want to make it clean I never cut to try to kill myself. I'm much too afraid of death, I care too much for those who would miss me, and I have 5 cats who need me. It's just not an option for me, even as hard as living is on days like today. I'd be lying if I said suicide never seemed like my only way of finding relief sometimes. but people keep telling me I'm the strongest person they know so I keep telling myself that... plus like I said I just couldn't hurt all those I'd be leaving behind.
Jared knew today would be bad before he even talked to me.... he was also struggling with it last night too, he feels a lot of guilt since he was in the next room. I've told him a thousand times he didn't know, and I know if he had he would have done something... in fact I'm glad he didn't realize what was happening because he'd probably be in jail for murder right now. but much like I'll always feel guilt for what happened to Tulip now matter how many people tell me I did everything I could have, I know I can't help him stop feeling guilty. anyway, he got done work early today but told me to let him know when I was ready to be picked up because he knew I needed space.
I spent the first few hours of my day cleaning my room. I got a lot accomplished. I'm trying super hard to get everything in order. I want my room to be my haven. I plan on taking down the bar above my bed and replacing it with a cat shelf for my girls... leaving me wondering what to do with my dresses when that happens. staying busy organizing and planning helps keep my mind from lingering in those dark places.
I can only organize for so long though, as I explained my brain doesn't process that well... so after 2-3hrs I showered and had him pick me up. I feel badly for him because I was distant today. I can't help it.... I'm filled with hatred today. I'm angry at myself for not screaming. I'm angry at myself for not getting help right away which may have prevented the coma (and all my family went through while I was in it). I'm angry at God because I feel like I have gotten shit on by life for pretty much most of my life.... but most of all I'm filled with hatred towards him.
holding onto anger only hurts you, not the person who wronged you.... holding onto anger is like letting someone live rent free in your head... saying like these have been bouncing around my head all day. but how do you forgive someone who wronged you so deeply? someone who violated you so violently you wound up in the hospital with a bruised lung rapidly filling with fluid? someone that caused you to be put into a coma for 9 days? that hurt your family by having them see you like that?
I don't know where to begin.... do I have to forgive him?
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Never Good Enough
Lately, of my own free will, I've been trying to shape up my life and the ways it affects others lives too. I realize it's a slow process.... in most cases I'm aiming for a full 180 here.
for myself I'm been slowly organizing my room.... I feel like my life will feel less hectic if my room is in order. besides that I can start to catify better for my girls and also make it easier to pack up when I'm able to move out. I've never had an easy time organizing.... it's like the wires in my brain just don't connect right there. I love the way an organized room looks, I can even sometimes do it with other people's stuff... but as soon as you put my stuff in front of me and tell me to find neat little places for it to go.... pffft, I'm lost. you may as well have just spoken another language or given me a box with a tiny round opening and told me to put a bunch of little squares in there. it actually feels like a real mental handicap. however determination goes a long way.... so I'm trying really hard.
besides how it feels as if my brain just cannot wrap it's head around this whole organizing idea, there are a lot of other hurdles.... I have horrid insomnia. I never know if it's going to be one of those nights I can magically fall asleep before 4 or if I'll be up past my parents leaving for work silently crying in my bed praying for sleep. If I'm lucky I can wake up before 11.... most days it's more like 1 or later.
I wake up everyday with a migraine.... well not everyday, I probably get a break 2-4 times a month. however if I don't wake up with a migraine I will either get one later in the day or at least have a headache at some point. So I usually wake up and involuntarily cry for a few minutes as my eyes adjust to the sunlight stabbing at them. Coffee and excedrin migraine is my breakfast most days.... if it's a mild migraine just coffee because I try not to take pain meds too often. I then feed my girls and lay still in my bed until my head stopped pounding and stabbing every time I move a muscle.
considering most days I can only get myself out of bed around 1 due to crippling migraines, I usually have minimal time to make sure I don't see any cat pee downstairs and clean it up if I do see it so my parents have one less thing to do, gather my stuff for the day, shower if needed, snuggle Eli in hopes that he'll hold onto that love and not pee anymore, and head off for the day...
recently I've been trying really hard to add more to that routine by waking up earlier. I figure since I have crippling migraines anyway what does it matter if I get one less hour of sleep to be more productive? So lately I've been trying to add to that schedule doing my laundry, folding it, putting it away to get it out of the basement, feeding the downstairs cats, and organizing small parts of my room.
It's slow going, but I'm trying.... but it's hard to keep it up when I keep getting beaten down.
my mom has been yelling at me daily about the cat pee.... but she doesn't know I always check the house before I go to try to make it easier for her. I'm not as good as her an dad at finding it... but I try. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel hopeless... like one of these days she's just going to toss me and my cats out and I don't know where I would go with the four of them. I'm trying so hard to fix their issues but lately she doesn't even want to discuss how to fix it and what we haven't tried.... she just wants it to end. but without a bit of work the only way to end it is to toss us out, so what am I supposed to get from that?
My sister's house, to put it bluntly, is a mess. I am paid to clean it but it gets increasingly hard due to piles of shit literally everywhere. I try to clean around them or move them as I go but it never really works.... so recently I decide every week that I have a little extra time after cleaning I'd focus on one area and start to organize or at least straighten up.... nesting if you will. The first week I had planned on doing this ended up being the week from hell... I also had to start mowing her lawn that week and of course our first volleyball game of the summer was that week too.... so I had minimal time but was determined to at least do something. I decided i'd throw away as much of the extra trash in the living room as I could because that was fast, and wipe down the stove because I know Chris loves when I clean the stove too.... and just for my own peace of mind I used the good mop to mop so I knew the kitchen floor was extra clean.
...no one noticed. instead I got yelled at about the bathroom. I put on my best "I'm sorry, I'll try better" face but inside I was crying. I had started to fix up her house (a job that's not even mine) and not only did it go unnoticed but I was scolded about a room I had cleaned no differently that I had the past few years I've been cleaning.
so today I had it all planned out that I would fold all my laundry, switch out to summer clothes, and out it all away to free up all the baskets and make a big difference in my room as a lot of the floor space issue is clothes.... instead my mom lectured me again about cat pee and told me "if I have time" to clean up a huge area of the basement that will take hours. if I have time basically means "we know you don't work and assume you do absolutely nothing productive in the day so if you don't get around to what I asked you are obviously lazy and contribute nothing"
... so now I'm going to try to clean that area of the basement between throwing loads of laundry in and folding them and probably end up finishing neither.
I feel like in every one's eyes I'm a failure and a waste of life. That all I do is make every else's life more complicated. it's why mom can't wait to move out so I'm not her problem. it's why dad can't wait to throw me out so I'm not his problem... I wish I were normal... but instead it's all getting worse. The only places I can go without klonopin are my own house and Jared's.... otherwise I take a klonopin and make sure I have my barf bag with me. I'm finding it harder to function everyday and I feel like everyday people expect more and more....
I wish I was normal. I wish I could hold down a job. I wish I didn't have hallucinations and panic attacks, depression, and migraines. I wish I could go to parties like my friends and not have to pop a klonopin and still only be able to sit there silently in my chair holding whatever animal that household has. I wish I could go to sleep at night without lying awake in bed crying for hours. I wish I could get through a day without one single hallucination... I wish I could wake up and go instead of spending an hour or two nursing a migraine which half the time doesn't go away and instead of hanging out with my friends I'm inside laying down in Jared's bed while they are having fun....
I'm sorry to everyone my life affects negatively. I wish I weren't me.
for myself I'm been slowly organizing my room.... I feel like my life will feel less hectic if my room is in order. besides that I can start to catify better for my girls and also make it easier to pack up when I'm able to move out. I've never had an easy time organizing.... it's like the wires in my brain just don't connect right there. I love the way an organized room looks, I can even sometimes do it with other people's stuff... but as soon as you put my stuff in front of me and tell me to find neat little places for it to go.... pffft, I'm lost. you may as well have just spoken another language or given me a box with a tiny round opening and told me to put a bunch of little squares in there. it actually feels like a real mental handicap. however determination goes a long way.... so I'm trying really hard.
besides how it feels as if my brain just cannot wrap it's head around this whole organizing idea, there are a lot of other hurdles.... I have horrid insomnia. I never know if it's going to be one of those nights I can magically fall asleep before 4 or if I'll be up past my parents leaving for work silently crying in my bed praying for sleep. If I'm lucky I can wake up before 11.... most days it's more like 1 or later.
I wake up everyday with a migraine.... well not everyday, I probably get a break 2-4 times a month. however if I don't wake up with a migraine I will either get one later in the day or at least have a headache at some point. So I usually wake up and involuntarily cry for a few minutes as my eyes adjust to the sunlight stabbing at them. Coffee and excedrin migraine is my breakfast most days.... if it's a mild migraine just coffee because I try not to take pain meds too often. I then feed my girls and lay still in my bed until my head stopped pounding and stabbing every time I move a muscle.
considering most days I can only get myself out of bed around 1 due to crippling migraines, I usually have minimal time to make sure I don't see any cat pee downstairs and clean it up if I do see it so my parents have one less thing to do, gather my stuff for the day, shower if needed, snuggle Eli in hopes that he'll hold onto that love and not pee anymore, and head off for the day...
recently I've been trying really hard to add more to that routine by waking up earlier. I figure since I have crippling migraines anyway what does it matter if I get one less hour of sleep to be more productive? So lately I've been trying to add to that schedule doing my laundry, folding it, putting it away to get it out of the basement, feeding the downstairs cats, and organizing small parts of my room.
It's slow going, but I'm trying.... but it's hard to keep it up when I keep getting beaten down.
my mom has been yelling at me daily about the cat pee.... but she doesn't know I always check the house before I go to try to make it easier for her. I'm not as good as her an dad at finding it... but I try. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel hopeless... like one of these days she's just going to toss me and my cats out and I don't know where I would go with the four of them. I'm trying so hard to fix their issues but lately she doesn't even want to discuss how to fix it and what we haven't tried.... she just wants it to end. but without a bit of work the only way to end it is to toss us out, so what am I supposed to get from that?
My sister's house, to put it bluntly, is a mess. I am paid to clean it but it gets increasingly hard due to piles of shit literally everywhere. I try to clean around them or move them as I go but it never really works.... so recently I decide every week that I have a little extra time after cleaning I'd focus on one area and start to organize or at least straighten up.... nesting if you will. The first week I had planned on doing this ended up being the week from hell... I also had to start mowing her lawn that week and of course our first volleyball game of the summer was that week too.... so I had minimal time but was determined to at least do something. I decided i'd throw away as much of the extra trash in the living room as I could because that was fast, and wipe down the stove because I know Chris loves when I clean the stove too.... and just for my own peace of mind I used the good mop to mop so I knew the kitchen floor was extra clean.
...no one noticed. instead I got yelled at about the bathroom. I put on my best "I'm sorry, I'll try better" face but inside I was crying. I had started to fix up her house (a job that's not even mine) and not only did it go unnoticed but I was scolded about a room I had cleaned no differently that I had the past few years I've been cleaning.
so today I had it all planned out that I would fold all my laundry, switch out to summer clothes, and out it all away to free up all the baskets and make a big difference in my room as a lot of the floor space issue is clothes.... instead my mom lectured me again about cat pee and told me "if I have time" to clean up a huge area of the basement that will take hours. if I have time basically means "we know you don't work and assume you do absolutely nothing productive in the day so if you don't get around to what I asked you are obviously lazy and contribute nothing"
... so now I'm going to try to clean that area of the basement between throwing loads of laundry in and folding them and probably end up finishing neither.
I feel like in every one's eyes I'm a failure and a waste of life. That all I do is make every else's life more complicated. it's why mom can't wait to move out so I'm not her problem. it's why dad can't wait to throw me out so I'm not his problem... I wish I were normal... but instead it's all getting worse. The only places I can go without klonopin are my own house and Jared's.... otherwise I take a klonopin and make sure I have my barf bag with me. I'm finding it harder to function everyday and I feel like everyday people expect more and more....
I wish I was normal. I wish I could hold down a job. I wish I didn't have hallucinations and panic attacks, depression, and migraines. I wish I could go to parties like my friends and not have to pop a klonopin and still only be able to sit there silently in my chair holding whatever animal that household has. I wish I could go to sleep at night without lying awake in bed crying for hours. I wish I could get through a day without one single hallucination... I wish I could wake up and go instead of spending an hour or two nursing a migraine which half the time doesn't go away and instead of hanging out with my friends I'm inside laying down in Jared's bed while they are having fun....
I'm sorry to everyone my life affects negatively. I wish I weren't me.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Therapy and Tulip
I have so much anxiety lately, I need to call a therapist but I have too much anxiety to do that. So for now I'm going to blog about what I'm struggling with in hopes that at least getting it out in some way will help.
Today I'm struggling with Tulip. It happens, some days I just get stuck on it. I feel a lot of guilt at times. I'll always deep down feel like I failed. My last cat to accomplish all I had set out to do the first time. The cat that I had known longer than any of the others.... back when Tyler and I would see her running through the commons. The cat I named in honor of Bess, since Tulip is what I suggested my aunt name her. She was the last project left in Kenhorst Cats (for a while at least) and I failed.
I know the vet said even if we had brought her in earlier there was nothing they could do... but I'll always wonder. What if I brought her in that first day instead of hesitating to throw the blanket on her and whisk her away to the emergency vet? A few more scratches for me... but her? Maybe without the infection the surgery wouldn't have been so complicated. Maybe her ruptured uterus wouldn't have fallen so far down into her pelvis. Maybe would would have at least been able to save that last kitten. For Tulip I vow to always trust my instincts in rescues now and not hesitate. I'd rather be safe than sorry (or left wondering what if forever).
I feel like I failed Bess all over again... The first time, I knew she was sick. I knew it was the last time seeing her, but I also knew I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I told my mom as we left that I knew I was never going to see her again, my mom assured me my aunt was taking her to the vet the next day and everything would be just fine... but I insisted she was dying.
This time I had the chance, life wouldn't be so cruel as to make me slowly lose another cat and being able to do nothing about it. No, I just can't believe God would be that cruel.... and that's why I'll always feel that guilt, because I feel this was my chance to be able to do something about it and I blew it.
I'll never know. I remind myself the vet said it wouldn't have made a difference and I try to believe it, but I never fully will....
Today I'm struggling with Tulip. It happens, some days I just get stuck on it. I feel a lot of guilt at times. I'll always deep down feel like I failed. My last cat to accomplish all I had set out to do the first time. The cat that I had known longer than any of the others.... back when Tyler and I would see her running through the commons. The cat I named in honor of Bess, since Tulip is what I suggested my aunt name her. She was the last project left in Kenhorst Cats (for a while at least) and I failed.
I know the vet said even if we had brought her in earlier there was nothing they could do... but I'll always wonder. What if I brought her in that first day instead of hesitating to throw the blanket on her and whisk her away to the emergency vet? A few more scratches for me... but her? Maybe without the infection the surgery wouldn't have been so complicated. Maybe her ruptured uterus wouldn't have fallen so far down into her pelvis. Maybe would would have at least been able to save that last kitten. For Tulip I vow to always trust my instincts in rescues now and not hesitate. I'd rather be safe than sorry (or left wondering what if forever).
I feel like I failed Bess all over again... The first time, I knew she was sick. I knew it was the last time seeing her, but I also knew I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I told my mom as we left that I knew I was never going to see her again, my mom assured me my aunt was taking her to the vet the next day and everything would be just fine... but I insisted she was dying.
This time I had the chance, life wouldn't be so cruel as to make me slowly lose another cat and being able to do nothing about it. No, I just can't believe God would be that cruel.... and that's why I'll always feel that guilt, because I feel this was my chance to be able to do something about it and I blew it.
I'll never know. I remind myself the vet said it wouldn't have made a difference and I try to believe it, but I never fully will....
Saturday, February 28, 2015
God Listens
I think a lot of us as humans don't appreciate what we do have and spend too much time thinking about what we wish we had... I've been silently struggling with severe depression, and by silently I mean I've told very few people. I thought maybe reminding myself of all the great things I have and how lucky I am might help, at the very least maybe it will help anyone reading realize how good they have it too... even when we think we don't. however I know there is a difference between depression and being sad because life sucks, I've been struggling with both really.... so here it goes:
1. FAMILY.
LIFE (random things that may be parts of the others but didn't quite fit in my opinion)
1. FAMILY.
- I have a mother who has always been my rock. lately she's been living her own life so she hasn't been around as much for support, but I know if I reached out and told her I needed her she would be there in a heartbeat like she has been all my life... and honestly I couldn't be happier for her that she has finally found some happiness because she has not had it easy either.
- my relationship with my father has been improving greatly... and while there are some things I might never find it in my heart to fully forgive him for, he's still my dad and I love him. he's still here... and just like my mom I know if I told him I really needed him he would do everything he could to help me.
- Poppy... I know sometimes he drives me nuts and I complain, but I feel blessed to get to have him living with us. He's not young, and I a, thankful I get this time with him.... I know someday I'll appreciate it even more... he also spoils me, slipping me $10 here and there to help me get by or as he puts it "buy something nice for [myself]." He bought me contacts when mine were old and ruining my eyes. he got me luggage for the cruise....
- my sister.... how do I even put it into words? she is truly my other half. I know movies and everything tell you that your other half is your significant other, and I'm not saying that's not true. but there are different types of love and the love I share with my sister can never be broken. we've been through so much together and I know that no matter who walks out of my life she will always be there for me. through thick and thin, we've shared so many secrets, heartaches, and good times and no one could ever replace her.
- Tania is a new friend but she has proven time and time again to be a true friend, whether it be stopping by after her 2nd shift job because I couldn't be alone, being a shoulder for me to cry on, or just someone to goof around with, I am so glad we became friends.
- Tyler is an old friend at this point, and even though he's away at college he's still there with a snapchat to make me smile when I'm feeling down, a countdown until he comes home, and promises of late night walks to ease our troubled minds. he's truly a kindred spirit in many ways. he's seen me through some really tough times and helped me figure out what I really wanted.
- Brandi is another old friend who has been by my side though more in the nearly 4yrs I've known her than a lot of friendships see in their lifetime. from forcing me to go to the hospital when I almost died, to keeping me company late at night when my thought were too dark to be alone, I'd be lost without her. We have our fights, but we always work it out because that's what friends do.
- Katelyn has been MIA living her own life states away... but no one could ever take her place. she is also my kindred spirit and gopt in me in the sense that she understood she might never truly understand me and that's okay. we've shared so much I couldn't even begin to cover it all... I miss her everyday, but true friendships evolve when we grow as people.
- Dayna is another very old friend of mine that I don't get to see as often as I'd like.... she's not states away but she is married with a child on the way and is struggling with he own battles at the moment too. I've told her many times (and meant it) that no matter how long we go between hang out sessions I'malways just a phone call away if she needs me and I know she is too.
- Angee is an old friend that I grew apart from after high school, but we've recently become close again and I love her dearly. She has offered something truly selfless that could never be repaid should need be someday and I know I can always count on her too if I need her.
LIFE (random things that may be parts of the others but didn't quite fit in my opinion)
- I have a place to live, rent free.
- my parents pay from my cell phone (at 26, this is probably a big deal, and I probably don't thank them enough for it.... $35 a month is cheaper than a lot of cells phone bills but it's a lot of money to me and it means so much that they help me in this way)
- I have all the food I need... again, from my parents, free of charge.
- I started a cat rescue, which would be impossible if my parents hadn't been such loving and supportive people. it wouldn't be nearly as successful as it is without their help and the help of friends, family, and even strangers.
- I have 5 cats (well, more than that but those are mine). Anchovy, Tuna, and Honey being the newest additions as part of my shelter. Honey lives with Jared but greets me everyday like it was torture spending the night without me. Tuna is more reserved, but lays by me and follows me around. Anchovy may be the most loving of them all, she's always on me (and is the reason so any typos in this as she is flinging herself all over my lap purring as I type). She like to be held, which is exactly what I need a lot of times lately.... I feel like God sent her to me to help me through what I have been going through lately. Of course there is Eli, my old man.... another reserved cat but one of the most loyal cats I've ever met. I'm not the one who feeds him most of the time due to schedules, and I don't get to spend as much time with him as I'd like, but he's still and always will be a mama's boy. he's always happy to see me, and even though he's not a lap cat like Anchovy and Honey he will lay near me, meow for me to hold him, and paw at me to pet him. he doesn't like much hugging, but if i'm crying he always lets me use him as a pillow. Calypso is a hard one... I get bitter sometimes because I raised her and now she chooses my dad over me, but she is still my baby. I accept her through all her flaws and appreciate that, like me, she just has some issues.
- money. by no means am I rish... in fact I'm probably the definition of dirt poor... however I always have enough to get by somehow and that's all that matters to me.
- God. I have a HUGE thank you here.... not just from me just from Jared. his fins got lowered.... like a TON. meaning we can start our life together sooner... something I cannot wait for. he helped me survive the coma, a terrible car accident, and forgives me every time I mess up. he always finds a way to provide what I need. I try to thank God everyday, although I'm far from perfect. I try to pray not just when I need something but everyday to thank him for another day on this earth, and for providing all I need and more.... for giving me all these things I have to be thankful for.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
a look back on 2014
2014 started out... good?
I mean my new years eve last year was a mixed bag. I watched the fireworks at the fire tower with Dan and it was awesome. when we got back to his house his Dad was super nice to me and had a glass of champagne (the REAL stuff) already poured for me... but then, as usual, we fought.
more fights followed, he told me not to hangout with Jared alone (one of my best friends at the time who was always there for me, even almost picked me up at Dan's house at 3am one time after a fight). I was super depressed and barely left the house except to go to Dan's house where I was more miserable. Superbowl Sunday I was feeling pretty down so Jared asked me if I wanted to go with him to get snacks. it seems like a small thing, but it stands out in my mind a lot. even just walking around a super market I had more fun with him than I had had with Dan in a long time... while we were there Brandi (who also knew I was down) asked if I wanted to come over and invited Jared too. neither of us really expected him to come, but he did.
the following months go worse, I found out a huge secret Dan had been hiding from me and struggled with what to do after many fights. I broke up with him and he tried to win me back again. it almost worked until I took a step back and looked at things realistically. he was never going to change, and the few changes I saw were only to win me back... plus when I was honest with myself I had never stopped thinking about Jared since we kissed in summer of 13. Dan even tried saying he might take me to a concert he knew I'd want to see... he was disappointed when I informed him Jared was getting tickets to it for us already.
after I healed, figured out the lessons that I had to learn from another broken relationship, and moved on, I started to flirt more with Jared. I was so afraid I had missed my chance back in the summer of 13... to back track, Dan and I had broken up in late May. at a party in early July Jared and I were flirting and we kissed. a friend saw and made a big deal out of it so I was embarrassed and that was the end of that for the night. after a lot of thought we had a serious talk, one of the hardest talks of my life, and I decided I couldn't go farther with Jared. Dan was laying on the guilt thick, Jared was so young (just turning 21) and I was scared. I told Jared we would just be friends.... we didn't talk for a few months because he was really hurt, and I didn't want to push him so I waited and hoped he'd want to be friends eventually. obviously he did.
anyway, early May I started flirting with Jared. he didn't flirt back too much so when Tyler came home I dug for information. he liked me still, but didn't want to get hurt again.
I started to feel really sick all the time, like I might puke at any moment... who knew true love could do that? haha but seriously, any time I was near him I had a bag near me just in case. I never did puke but it made for a miserable few weeks.
we went to the concert while I was still feeling queezy, but it was amazing anyway. I got to see third eye blind again, plus the kongos, foster the people, bastille... we held hands at the concert and he even did the yawn/[ut his arm around me move.
after the concert he was still hesitant, so one night I told him I'd wait since he waited all this time for me. I told he that I wasn't going anywhere, I just wanted to be with him. I believe the next night we finally kissed again and shortly after we were together :)
he's been wonderful. he takes me out once a week, even if taco bell is all we can afford. we've gone to a few hockey games, a wrestling event where I got close enough to touch one of my favorite wrestlers. he supports everything I do, never makes me guilty for what I can't handle. he's patient and is extra understanding when I PMS... not once has he told me I'm exaggerating or that I need to control it. I am finally happy.
so there is my love life... as for everything else:
1. I started Kenhorst Cats, which is my pride and joy. I've probably raixsed around $1000 in donations
2. we've spayed 4 cats so far and found homes for 14 cats.
3. I nursed Honey and Nugget back to health more than a few times, both have severe tummy troubles.
4. I've lost 25lbs (give or take a lbs depending on the day). I did this through volleyball over the summer and honestly I think healthy happy relationships help me maintain a healthy weight.
5. I figured out a lot when it comes to my friends.... some good, some bad.
6. I kept my room mostly clean for most of the year, this one I'm very proud of... it's sort of been a reflection of my life. it's been less cluttered and stressful.
7. Kera and I have been trying to keep up with the blog... but it's hard haha. with some more organization I think 2015 will be a better year for it.
8. I worked a lot on my self confidence. I may not have a "job" but I opened my own freaking cat shelter. that's pretty awesome. I may not be a super model, but I worked hard and lost my extra weight and I think I look good.
9. I stopped shaving my pits. I have all sorts of pit problems and I think they might all be related to shaving.... so I'm done (even more credit to Jared for supporting me on this).
10. I built cat shelves for Honey which was the first thing I've built in a long time
so 2014 was pretty good year for me.... no where near perfect, but it's all in how you look at it. I'm looking forward to 2015 too :)
I mean my new years eve last year was a mixed bag. I watched the fireworks at the fire tower with Dan and it was awesome. when we got back to his house his Dad was super nice to me and had a glass of champagne (the REAL stuff) already poured for me... but then, as usual, we fought.
more fights followed, he told me not to hangout with Jared alone (one of my best friends at the time who was always there for me, even almost picked me up at Dan's house at 3am one time after a fight). I was super depressed and barely left the house except to go to Dan's house where I was more miserable. Superbowl Sunday I was feeling pretty down so Jared asked me if I wanted to go with him to get snacks. it seems like a small thing, but it stands out in my mind a lot. even just walking around a super market I had more fun with him than I had had with Dan in a long time... while we were there Brandi (who also knew I was down) asked if I wanted to come over and invited Jared too. neither of us really expected him to come, but he did.
the following months go worse, I found out a huge secret Dan had been hiding from me and struggled with what to do after many fights. I broke up with him and he tried to win me back again. it almost worked until I took a step back and looked at things realistically. he was never going to change, and the few changes I saw were only to win me back... plus when I was honest with myself I had never stopped thinking about Jared since we kissed in summer of 13. Dan even tried saying he might take me to a concert he knew I'd want to see... he was disappointed when I informed him Jared was getting tickets to it for us already.
after I healed, figured out the lessons that I had to learn from another broken relationship, and moved on, I started to flirt more with Jared. I was so afraid I had missed my chance back in the summer of 13... to back track, Dan and I had broken up in late May. at a party in early July Jared and I were flirting and we kissed. a friend saw and made a big deal out of it so I was embarrassed and that was the end of that for the night. after a lot of thought we had a serious talk, one of the hardest talks of my life, and I decided I couldn't go farther with Jared. Dan was laying on the guilt thick, Jared was so young (just turning 21) and I was scared. I told Jared we would just be friends.... we didn't talk for a few months because he was really hurt, and I didn't want to push him so I waited and hoped he'd want to be friends eventually. obviously he did.
anyway, early May I started flirting with Jared. he didn't flirt back too much so when Tyler came home I dug for information. he liked me still, but didn't want to get hurt again.
I started to feel really sick all the time, like I might puke at any moment... who knew true love could do that? haha but seriously, any time I was near him I had a bag near me just in case. I never did puke but it made for a miserable few weeks.
we went to the concert while I was still feeling queezy, but it was amazing anyway. I got to see third eye blind again, plus the kongos, foster the people, bastille... we held hands at the concert and he even did the yawn/[ut his arm around me move.
after the concert he was still hesitant, so one night I told him I'd wait since he waited all this time for me. I told he that I wasn't going anywhere, I just wanted to be with him. I believe the next night we finally kissed again and shortly after we were together :)
he's been wonderful. he takes me out once a week, even if taco bell is all we can afford. we've gone to a few hockey games, a wrestling event where I got close enough to touch one of my favorite wrestlers. he supports everything I do, never makes me guilty for what I can't handle. he's patient and is extra understanding when I PMS... not once has he told me I'm exaggerating or that I need to control it. I am finally happy.
so there is my love life... as for everything else:
1. I started Kenhorst Cats, which is my pride and joy. I've probably raixsed around $1000 in donations
2. we've spayed 4 cats so far and found homes for 14 cats.
3. I nursed Honey and Nugget back to health more than a few times, both have severe tummy troubles.
4. I've lost 25lbs (give or take a lbs depending on the day). I did this through volleyball over the summer and honestly I think healthy happy relationships help me maintain a healthy weight.
5. I figured out a lot when it comes to my friends.... some good, some bad.
6. I kept my room mostly clean for most of the year, this one I'm very proud of... it's sort of been a reflection of my life. it's been less cluttered and stressful.
7. Kera and I have been trying to keep up with the blog... but it's hard haha. with some more organization I think 2015 will be a better year for it.
8. I worked a lot on my self confidence. I may not have a "job" but I opened my own freaking cat shelter. that's pretty awesome. I may not be a super model, but I worked hard and lost my extra weight and I think I look good.
9. I stopped shaving my pits. I have all sorts of pit problems and I think they might all be related to shaving.... so I'm done (even more credit to Jared for supporting me on this).
10. I built cat shelves for Honey which was the first thing I've built in a long time
so 2014 was pretty good year for me.... no where near perfect, but it's all in how you look at it. I'm looking forward to 2015 too :)
Monday, January 12, 2015
Sea Sponge Tampons and Beauty Regimens
So, I'm still in love with my sea sponges (at my local pet store I paid almost $3 each and got 3.... but they last 6 months or so I've read... so not a bad deal). I still prefer to free bleed as much as possible, but it's super nice to have a back up for heavy days that I know doesn't have all sorts of chemicals and such...
anyway, I read an article about why women hate showering. I was pretty excited because I absolutely hate showering with the exception of back aches or cramps, in which case the hot water and massaging shower head are nice. However none of these reasons are why I hate showering except the last... lets go over them shall we?
1. Washing your hair.
now... this one IS one of the things I hate, not for the same reasons. I hate washing my hair because it takes forever and it's super thick and it's just going to be greasy the next day so it feels like a waste. sometimes I don't bother... sometimes I'll just throw it back on toss some baby powder in my roots and brush. good enough lol
and as for thick hair being lucky about grease? are you kidding me!? my hair looks greasy the next day too... maybe I went right over the optimal thickness into the too thick category?
2. Shaving
yeah... my issues with this one is , if you hate shaving so much why do it? right now it's winter, my legs haven't seen a razor in two months and I have a steady boyfriend. if a guy can't deal with your hairy legs at least in the winter he doesn't deserve you. I also recently decided I'm no longer shaving my pits, and it's been the most freeing decision ever. I tried dying them the other week but my dye didn't stick so it ended up cotton candy pink that faded to fleshy pink.... I'll be trying again with a better brand lol
3. Pricey hair products
no.... just no. I rarely put anything in my hair. when I do it's either coconut oil or my leave in conditioner spray I made but putting a few squirts of conditioner in a spray bottle and filling the rest with water. you won't need alll that stuff if you stop frying your hair daily!
4. After shower process
I'm sorry, but I can shower and put my makeup on in 10mins... 13 if it's summer and I have to shave my legs. 5mins if I'm not wearing makeup that day.
5. cold.
yes. but that's for anyone not just ladies ;)
anyway, I read an article about why women hate showering. I was pretty excited because I absolutely hate showering with the exception of back aches or cramps, in which case the hot water and massaging shower head are nice. However none of these reasons are why I hate showering except the last... lets go over them shall we?
1. Washing your hair.
now... this one IS one of the things I hate, not for the same reasons. I hate washing my hair because it takes forever and it's super thick and it's just going to be greasy the next day so it feels like a waste. sometimes I don't bother... sometimes I'll just throw it back on toss some baby powder in my roots and brush. good enough lol
and as for thick hair being lucky about grease? are you kidding me!? my hair looks greasy the next day too... maybe I went right over the optimal thickness into the too thick category?
2. Shaving
yeah... my issues with this one is , if you hate shaving so much why do it? right now it's winter, my legs haven't seen a razor in two months and I have a steady boyfriend. if a guy can't deal with your hairy legs at least in the winter he doesn't deserve you. I also recently decided I'm no longer shaving my pits, and it's been the most freeing decision ever. I tried dying them the other week but my dye didn't stick so it ended up cotton candy pink that faded to fleshy pink.... I'll be trying again with a better brand lol
3. Pricey hair products
no.... just no. I rarely put anything in my hair. when I do it's either coconut oil or my leave in conditioner spray I made but putting a few squirts of conditioner in a spray bottle and filling the rest with water. you won't need alll that stuff if you stop frying your hair daily!
4. After shower process
I'm sorry, but I can shower and put my makeup on in 10mins... 13 if it's summer and I have to shave my legs. 5mins if I'm not wearing makeup that day.
5. cold.
yes. but that's for anyone not just ladies ;)
Friday, January 9, 2015
Sea Sponge Tampons
My insurance company is refusing to cover the only type of birth control I can take, telling me I can take another one that I can't take.... so I've been experiencing my full force shark week again... which is awful. Even on the patch I have a heavy flow that last 5-6 days, I still get the occasional ovarian cyst and migraine... off everything I have endometriosis, ovarian cysts (which I'm beginning to think of PCOS), and 7+ days of heavy flow, migraines daily, horrible mood swings, and steady cramps starting a day or two before and only ending when the bleeding stops.
Since my flow is muuuuch heavier than my on the patch still heavy flow, I need something beyond my usual choice of free bleeding.
I had such hope for the cup, but it hurts me.... you see I have a tilted uterus, and no one bothers to tell you they don't work too well if you have a tilted uterus. I guess it should be assumed because how could a cup comfortably fit over your cervix if it's sitting sideways? well I'm not a doctor so I didn't think of that.
Recently I had heard about sea sponge tampons and decided to check them out... if you know anything about me it should be how frugal I am. those things are expensive! so instead I marched myself into my local pet store and grabbed a few natural sea sponges for hermit crab water. I soaked them in vinegar for a while and rinsed them thoroughly and bravely inserted not knowing if it would even work...
well it did. I am in love. I can't feel it, I've had no leaks despite the fact that I think I'm actually hemorrhaging... my only issue is if you don't ring it out really well first, when you sneeze or cough a few drops of the water you left in drip out and make you feel like you peed yourself... so next time I inserted I squeezed more water out and haven't had that problem since :)
I've only used it for one day, so I'll update again in a few days, but so far I think I've found my solution for when I can't free bleed!
Since my flow is muuuuch heavier than my on the patch still heavy flow, I need something beyond my usual choice of free bleeding.
I had such hope for the cup, but it hurts me.... you see I have a tilted uterus, and no one bothers to tell you they don't work too well if you have a tilted uterus. I guess it should be assumed because how could a cup comfortably fit over your cervix if it's sitting sideways? well I'm not a doctor so I didn't think of that.
Recently I had heard about sea sponge tampons and decided to check them out... if you know anything about me it should be how frugal I am. those things are expensive! so instead I marched myself into my local pet store and grabbed a few natural sea sponges for hermit crab water. I soaked them in vinegar for a while and rinsed them thoroughly and bravely inserted not knowing if it would even work...
well it did. I am in love. I can't feel it, I've had no leaks despite the fact that I think I'm actually hemorrhaging... my only issue is if you don't ring it out really well first, when you sneeze or cough a few drops of the water you left in drip out and make you feel like you peed yourself... so next time I inserted I squeezed more water out and haven't had that problem since :)
I've only used it for one day, so I'll update again in a few days, but so far I think I've found my solution for when I can't free bleed!
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