forgiveness

Last night while watching AHS season three I forgot about the rape scene in the first episode.... how could I forget? I don't even know honestly.... I think I tend to block out those scenes from most things. I then came home and discussed fostering kittens with my mom and she shot down that idea, which was really the last thing I needed to hear at that moment. Kenhorst Cats has helped me get through a lot of things. I've been struggling so much lately that fostering kittens was the only thing I've been holding on to, everything else is so far off and so dependent on Jared that it isn't enough to keep my head up. I am not mad at my mom for this... I understand her reasoning. our 7 cats have been "marking their territory" all over the house and she doesn't want it to get any worse.... but that doesn't make it any easier to hear.

Since then I've been struggling.... in an all honesty thing I'm trying to do here treating this like my journal, I relapsed and cut last night. I was in a dark place. I want to make it clean I never cut to try to kill myself. I'm much too afraid of death, I care too much for those who would miss me, and I have 5 cats who need me. It's just not an option for me, even as hard as living is on days like today. I'd be lying if I said suicide never seemed like my only way of finding relief sometimes. but people keep telling me I'm the strongest person they know so I keep telling myself that... plus like I said I just couldn't hurt all those I'd be leaving behind.

Jared knew today would be bad before he even talked to me.... he was also struggling with it last night too, he feels a lot of guilt since he was in the next room. I've told him a thousand times he didn't know, and I know if he had he would have done something... in fact I'm glad he didn't realize what was happening because he'd probably be in jail for murder right now. but much like I'll always feel guilt for what happened to Tulip now matter how many people tell me I did everything I could have, I know I can't help him stop feeling guilty. anyway, he got done work early today but told me to let him know when I was ready to be picked up because he knew I needed space.

I spent the first few hours of my day cleaning my room. I got a lot accomplished. I'm trying super hard to get everything in order. I want my room to be my haven. I plan on taking down the bar above my bed and replacing it with a cat shelf for my girls... leaving me wondering what to do with my dresses when that happens. staying busy organizing and planning helps keep my mind from lingering in those dark places.

I can only organize for so long though, as I explained my brain doesn't process that well... so after 2-3hrs I showered and had him pick me up. I feel badly for him because I was distant today. I can't help it.... I'm filled with hatred today. I'm angry at myself for not screaming. I'm angry at myself for not getting help right away which may have prevented the coma (and all my family went through while I was in it). I'm angry at God because I feel like I have gotten shit on by life for pretty much most of my life.... but most of all I'm filled with hatred towards him. 

holding onto anger only hurts you, not the person who wronged you.... holding onto anger is like letting someone live rent free in your head... saying like these have been bouncing around my head all day. but how do you forgive someone who wronged you so deeply? someone who violated you so violently you wound up in the hospital with a bruised lung rapidly filling with fluid? someone that caused you to be put into a coma for 9 days? that hurt your family by having them see you like that?

 I don't know where to begin.... do I have to forgive him?