scared

I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow and I am terrified. not because of the pain or the long healing time, or even the chance that I might permanently lose all feeling in my tongue and cheeks... I've just always felt I was going to be one of those few people who die during their wisdom teeth removal. While I am praying, and hoping, and I know logically I'm probably wrong, I can't shake the feeling. So just in case I wrote a letter two each of my family members and Jared. I am keeping them in my purse tomorrow and I've told Jared to make sure everyone gets them is something were to happen.

After the coma I stopped being afraid of death. I know it's not the end.... I'm so terrified right now because I feel like my life is finally starting to come together. I've just gotten Kenhorst Cats going but I have so much more to do. I want to get Tuna and all her kittens (plus bundle) fixed. I want to find French Fry and all the outdoor kittens loving homes.... which will only work if I can spend a lot of time taming them after they get fixed. I want to give the best home possible to Anchovy and Tuna who have never really known what it's like to be a spoiled indoor cat.... I want Honey to live with me, It's been so hard knowing I have my kindred kitty spirit back and NOT getting to wake up next to her everyday and have her sit on my lap while I play fable or browse the web. I need that chance. I want to help all the cats in the area, then help other stray and feral cats around the county, maybe eventually the whole state or the whole country. I have so much more to do.

I want selfish things too... like I want to move out with Jared and just enjoy normal life as an adult couple. I want to fall asleep wake up next to him. I want to pack him lunch and cook us dinner. I want to keep our place clean so when Dad comes to visit he'll be proud of me. I want to have a garden and grow as much of our own food as I can. I'd like to someday have chickens so we don't have to buy eggs and support that cruel industry... so our chickens can be spoiled happy chickens that produce yummy rich eggs. I want a dog... I miss having a dog. I want it's fur to smell like fall so I can hug it and bury my face in it's fur and just for that moment everything will be fine. I want a dog because I know that one dog will have an amazing life full of love. I want to be around to be an aunt. I want to watch my niece or nephew grow into the amazing person they are bound to be. I want to spoil them, but also teach them to love and appreciate the people, animals and nature around them.... more than anything I want children of my own. I want to see what beautiful children me and Jared will have. I want to help sculpt their hearts to be just as beautiful. I want to make sure they know they can do or be anything they want... as long as it makes them happy. because life is too short and too precious to not be happy. I want my children, as they grow old enough, to be in awe of the strength yet gentleness of their mother, they way I was with mine. I want to show them you can be strong and still retain your innocence. I want to teach them that even though this world may be cold and hard there will always still be beauty ad kindness as long as they hold onto it. that they should be the change they wish to see in the world because if you think there is no kindness left in this world so you become unkind you are only proving yourself right... as long as you hold onto your tender heart there will be kindness even if only in you.

If I never get the chance to teach that to my children I hope at least one person will read this and benefit from it. Of course I'm probably being silly, and God willing everything will go fine and I'll get the chance to do all these things :)

Kittens!

Over the summer I started sort of a cat rescue.... I sort of because my anxiety over doing all the paperwork and such to turn me into an recognized non-profit has so far prevented me from getting to that part. However I've raised over $300, gotten a cat fixed, taken in said cat's tiny kittens and provided around the clock care for one of them that nearly didn't make it, taken in and adopted a very sick kitten, and provided food and love for the cats/kittens still outside.

I hate to toot my own horn, but my therapist thinks I don't value myself enough and I need to start recognizing the things I do... so I'm honestly quite proud of myself. I have really made a difference. My goal before winter is to adopt out the 3 kittens inside now (two of them already have homes when they are old enough), and spay/neuter the 4 kittens outside and find them homes. I still have 2 more adult cats outside to spay however one stopped coing around since her kittens took over the patio and the other rarely comes by so it could be challenging.

The first of the kittens to come inside was a kitten from Tuna's litter I called sick kitten, because her one eye had been swollen. She was very skittish but I managed to catch her and clean it off and for a few days it looked better... then she showed up out back alone, and since she was so skittish she never came alone. When I called her, she came to me and I saw how bad her eye was. I took her to the vet that night and found out she had warbles, or bot fly maggots living under her skin. One was under her eye and one qas just above her heinie hole (I like calling it that because I call it her Honey Heinie haha). The vet said she needed to stay inside until she healed or else she'd wind up with more. I named her Honey on the ride home because she didn't mind any of this so she reminded me of a honey badger, plus I love honey, it's the main reason I could never go vegan... I alternate between calling her Honey and Badger :)

Imediately I felt something special about her, but since she was going back outside I tried to ignore it.she was so scared she would hiss any time you came near her cage unless she was disctracted with food.

Then slowly she let me pet her, until she would cry to come out of her cage so she could lay with me.

 

I cried at the thought of her going back outside, so Jared and his mom agreed to keep her until me and him can move out. I still get to see her everyday, but I miss her sleeping with my every night.