God Listens

I think a lot of us as humans don't appreciate what we do have and spend too much time thinking about what we wish we had... I've been silently struggling with severe depression, and by silently I mean I've told very few people. I thought maybe reminding myself of all the great things I have and how lucky I am might help, at the very least maybe it will help anyone reading realize how good they have it too... even when we think we don't. however I know there is a difference between depression and being sad because life sucks, I've been struggling with both really.... so here it goes:

1. FAMILY.

• I have a mother who has always been my rock. lately she's been living her own life so she hasn't been around as much for support, but I know if I reached out and told her I needed her she would be there in a heartbeat like she has been all my life... and honestly I couldn't be happier for her that she has finally found some happiness because she has not had it easy either.
• my relationship with my father has been improving greatly... and while there are some things I might never find it in my heart to fully forgive him for, he's still my dad and I love him. he's still here... and just like my mom I know if I told him I really needed him he would do everything he could to help me. 
• Poppy... I know sometimes he drives me nuts and I complain, but I feel blessed to get to have him living with us. He's not young, and I a, thankful I get this time with him.... I know someday I'll appreciate it even more... he also spoils me, slipping me $10 here and there to help me get by or as he puts it "buy something nice for [myself]." He bought me contacts when mine were old and ruining my eyes. he got me luggage for the cruise....
  
• my sister.... how do I even put it into words? she is truly my other half. I know movies and everything tell you that your other half is your significant other, and I'm not saying that's not true. but there are different types of love and the love I share with my sister can never be broken. we've been through so much together and I know that no matter who walks out of my life she will  always be there for me. through thick and thin, we've shared so many secrets, heartaches, and good times and no one could ever replace her.

2. FRIENDS

• Tania is a new friend but she has proven time and time again to be a true friend, whether it be stopping by after her 2nd shift job because I couldn't be alone, being a shoulder for me to cry on, or just someone to goof around with, I am so glad we became friends. 
• Tyler is an old friend at this point, and even though he's away at college he's still there with a snapchat to make me smile when I'm feeling down, a countdown until he comes home, and promises of late night walks to ease our troubled minds. he's truly a kindred spirit in many ways. he's seen me through some really tough times and helped me figure out what I really wanted. 
• Brandi is another old friend who has been by my side though more in the nearly 4yrs I've known her than a lot of friendships see in their lifetime. from forcing me to go to the hospital when I almost died, to keeping me company late at night when my thought were too dark to be alone, I'd be lost without her. We have our fights, but we always work it out because that's what friends do. 
• Katelyn has been MIA living her own life states away... but no one could ever take her place. she is also my kindred spirit and gopt in me in the sense that she understood she might never truly understand me and that's okay. we've shared so much I couldn't even begin to cover it all... I miss her everyday, but true friendships evolve when we grow as people. 
• Dayna is another very old friend of mine that I don't get to see as often as I'd like.... she's not states away but she is married with a child on the way and is struggling with he own battles at the  moment too. I've told her many times (and meant it) that no matter how long we go between hang out sessions I'malways just a phone call away if she needs me and I know she is too. 
• Angee is an old friend that I grew apart from after high school, but we've recently become close again and I love her dearly. She has offered something truly selfless that could never be repaid should need be someday and I know I can always count on her too if I need her.

Jared.... he gets his own category because he isn't quite family but is way more than a friend. he is my rock, and has helped me hold on to the last bit of sanity I have at the moment. he treats me  like a princess even though we may not have much.... because money isn't everything. when he has money, he is always thinking of ways to spoil me and surprise me.when we don't have money he's always there with a hug and kiss, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen when I need to talk through all I've been going through. his family has welcomed me into their family with open arms. he has done mor for me in these past 8.5 months than pretty much any guy I've ever dated combined. he has shown me what love really is. I know he is a rarity in this day and age but every woman deserves to find someone who loves them the way he loves me. believe me when I say chivalry is not dead... he opens the door for me, waits for me to get inside before he drives away, he turns down the music when he drops me off late at night so as not to wake my neighbors... he lets me play my music in the car too. he appreciates all the little things I do for him knowing I don't have the means to do the big things I'd love to do. he brushes away my tears, quiets my fears, and calms my anger. he patiently waits out my temper tantrums and forgives my mood swings. he supports my feminism, to the point that he doesn't mind I don't shave my armpits. he supports my dreams, helps me run my cat rescue, and would do anything needed to help us get by... he wanted me knowing  I can't work and I'm a little crazy. he talks about the money he works hard to earn as our money. he waited for me while I figured out the relationship I was in before was toxic. long before we dated he told our mutual friend once while I was outside that he was going to marry me someday... not that he was "gonna hit that" or whatever most guys might say to a male friend about a woman they find hot.... but that he was going to marry me. I am a strong woman.... I have learned that over the past few years, and I know I could survive without him, but I would have a huge hole in my life and my heart.

LIFE (random things that may be parts of the others but didn't quite fit in my opinion)

• I have a place to live, rent free. 
• my parents pay from my cell phone (at 26, this is probably a big deal, and I probably don't thank them enough for it.... $35 a month is cheaper than a lot of cells phone bills but it's a lot of money to me and it means so much that they help me in this way)
• I have all the food I need... again, from my parents, free of charge. 
• I started a cat rescue, which would be impossible if my parents hadn't been such loving and supportive people. it wouldn't be nearly as successful as it is without their help and the help of friends, family, and even strangers. 
• I have 5 cats (well, more than that but those are mine). Anchovy, Tuna, and Honey being the newest additions as part of my shelter. Honey lives with Jared but greets me everyday like it was torture spending the night without me. Tuna is more reserved, but lays by me and follows me around. Anchovy may be the most loving of them all, she's always on me (and is the reason so any typos in this as she is flinging herself all over my lap purring as I type). She like to be held, which is exactly what I need a lot of times lately.... I feel like God sent her to me to help me through what I have been going through lately. Of course there is Eli, my old man.... another reserved cat but one of the most loyal cats I've ever met. I'm not the one who feeds him most of the time due to schedules, and I don't get to spend as much time with him as I'd like, but he's still and always will be a mama's boy. he's always happy to see me, and even though he's not a lap cat like Anchovy and Honey he will lay near me, meow for me to hold him, and paw at me to pet him. he doesn't like much hugging, but if i'm crying he always lets me use him as a pillow. Calypso is a hard one... I get bitter sometimes because I raised her and now she chooses my dad over me, but she is still my baby. I accept her through all her flaws and appreciate that, like me, she just has some issues. 
• money. by no means am I rish... in fact I'm probably the definition of dirt poor... however I always have enough to get by somehow and that's all that matters to me.
• God. I have a HUGE thank you here.... not just from me just from Jared. his fins got lowered.... like a TON. meaning we can start our life together sooner... something I cannot wait for. he helped me survive the coma, a terrible car accident, and forgives me every time I mess up. he always finds a way to provide what I need. I try to thank God everyday, although I'm far from perfect. I try to pray not just when I need something but everyday to thank him for another day on this earth, and for providing all I need and more.... for giving me all these things I have to be thankful for. 

 I know I am forgetting tons... because like I said I m far from perfect. I certainly hope no one reading this thinks "well of course your thankful look at ll you have" because I have had more than my share of shit... but this post is not to focus on that, this is to focus on the good, because there is  always something good. I promise.... that's what I wish I could have told Michael.... that it would get better if he has just held on. that he had so many people who loved him. and that if he looked hard enough he could have found even the tiniest reason to hold on... I'll never judge him for his decision, I just wish I could have helped.