This post is going to be extremely personal. It may contain triggers, but it is written with good intentions of sharing the much healthier thought process I've adopted recently.
I find myself becoming more of a feminist every day. With this new view came a new view of my body. I've struggled with my weight. Growing up my sister was always runway model thin, I'd hear all the time how she should be a model and how pretty she was... I was the nice one. My dad is obsessed with his weight, and my mom always struggled with her weight as well. Each of them has their own struggles, and that is their story to tell, but it all certainly affected my self image as I grew up. That is one thing I want to do differently than my mom, I want to make sure my daughters never see me struggling to love my own body because as women we often learn to love or hate our bodies from our mothers.
I was only ever happy with my weight once... when I was barely eating and my naturally thick frame had bones poking through. More than a few friends that knew me well were worried and said I was too skinny. I didn't listen, one of them was as thin as I was, though she is built very differently. In my unhealthy state I convinced myself they were jealous, they wanted me to fail. Most other people would tell me how great I looked, after all clothing was finally fitting me like it does on all the girls in magazines. It wasn't sustainable, I was tired all the time and suffered from many more migraines than usual. I would avoid food at all costs... "Oh, I had a big lunch." or "My stomach is upset today" or any other excuse I could find. When I did have to eat, like dinner with my family, I would shower right after. They never seemed to notice, but it was so I could throw up all the food I had just eaten. I would sit in the shower and put my finger down my throat while crying over how disappointed I was in myself. I was never sure whether I was more disappointed that I had eaten or that I had allowed myself to succumb to the beauty ideals of the world to the point of throwing up every bit of food that entered my mouth.
I eventually started eating again, then met a guy who ate junk and I fell into the same habits... eating a whole frozen pizza myself as a snack. The relationship was toxic and I found myself turning to food for the comfort I didn't receive from him. The pounds piled on and I felt awful. I was sluggish, had zits all the time, and hated the way I looked. I struggled for years even after we broke up, the horrible eating habits I developed were hard to break.
I would roller coaster between binge eating, purging, starving myself, eating normally for me, and trying to eat "healthy."
This past winter I found myself looking into the mirror and crying. I had a series of toxic relationships that tore me down. My self confidence was at an all time low.I decided all this yo-yo dieting was only killing my confidence even more, I would put so much hope on a new diet and after 2 weeks when I would lose nothing I'd hate myself a little more. So I stopped.
I stopped all of it. I stopped looking for new ways to lose weight. I stopped feeling guilty when I wanted some chocolate. I stopped conentrating on what I should be eating which did nothing but make me think about food. I stopped all the emotional eating, and boredom eating... which were the two hardest for me. I started listening to my body. When I'm hungry, I eat what it is I'm hungry for and I don't feel guilty about it. I didn't do this to lose weight, I did it to stop driving myself insane. I did it because I figured my body knows what it needs.... but in doing so I've lost about 20lbs. Food is no longer what I think about 24/7.
All of this included changing my views about myself. I think that all started first when I started looking at other women differently. I started to see the beauty in everyone, because we don't all need to be super models to be beautiful. I now think beauty mostly comes from within. From happiness, kindness, strength, and confidence.
We need to learn to love our bodies because they are the physical representation of ourselves. If you aren't happy with the way you look, I guarantee you aren't happy with some other things about yourself too. Find what you don't like about yourself that isn't physical, work on that. After you learn to love yourself and find confidence everything else will just fall into place.
As for the feminist aspect... I realized I hated my body because it didn't fit into the beauty box decided by our society, and who gets to decide if a woman is beautiful or not? Men. Is that fair? Shouldn't a woman get to decide if she herself is beautiful without influences from others? Shouldn't a woman be in charge of her own confidence? I am finally happy with myself, I may not be as skinny as I used to be, but I'm healthy. I'm almost 26, my body redistributed some weight a few years back to get ready for my child birthing years and I think that's a beautiful thing. It's natural, and who am I to argue with nature? I am as I was intended to be now, I'm not a teenager anymore so why would I want to look like one? I now am proud to be the beautiful woman I am... and I really hope more women will join me and reclaim their beauty.
