For me the Holiday Season has started.... it really begins on Halloween, but Christmas music is (or was) acceptable November 1st for me. I love this time of year; everyone is happy (in my mind), all the pretty lights, warm drinks, cuddling under blankets, thinking of super thoughtful gifts to let my loved ones know how much they mean to me, and of course celebrating Jesus's birthday... and traditions. all the wonderful traditions.
but for the past few years I just couldn't feel the Christmas spirit... I really struggled with this because for me I love Christmas done to my core, like to the point that in my opinion it's part of who I am. It's all deeply rooted in the traditions. Growing up my parents din't have a lot of money, and while for most kids the highlight of Christmas is getting lots of presents, for me it was the build up. My parents did an amazing job of making sure we got plenty on Christmas, but even more than that was going to pick a tree every year, making cookies, the little visits from Santa, finding random goodies in our advent calendar that Santa would leave occasionally, going for a drive to look at lights, and of course Christmas music.
if I'm being honest, it's because a lot has changed and I feel like the only one left standing here grasping the frayed up traditions while everyone else moves on with their life... any time someone honors a tradition it's very apparent that this is a chore and they would much rather be doing something else. I nearly broke down this year when my dad said he's getting a table top tree because the baby is too young to even care.... I still exist....
it's my year to pick a tree. in fact it was my year last year but my dad got a free tree and promised I could pick this year, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore... even though it's probably my last Christmas in this house... our last Christmas together.
I struggle when he says the cookies he is making and he's doing it himself because he just wants to get it over with.
if I'm being honest with myself, it's also because of the rape. For a long time now almost everything has lost it's fun and meaning. Nothing really mattered. I can't even explain why... and I can't really explain what changed... except I read somewhere that disassociation was your body's way of protecting itself... when you get a flashback and you disassociate your body can't deal with the flash back. I've recently stopped disassociating so much, so maybe my mind is ready to start healing and dealing with it?
I don't know what changed, but I'm really excited for Christmas. So today I downloaded some Christmas music and started a playlist. I've explained to Jared that he has to humor me sometimes and listen to Christmas music... for my mental health I need this. I also started cleaning my room up more so I can decorate it this year. I may not have all the traditions with my family, but I can start new ones with Jared.
I think part of it is Kaliel too... I know she's too young to really experience and understand Christmas yet, but I'm still so excited to have a niece for Christmas this year :)
I'm trying to think of all the songs I want and started tearing up singing some of the more religious ones... as much as I have been through in life I am here. God is good, and that is why I love Christmas.... to me every smile on a strangers face this time of year is also filled with the Christmas Spirit.... and even if they don't realize it also with the Holy Spirit.... so be kind this season (and all the time), let God act through you and in you
