I have so much anxiety lately, I need to call a therapist but I have too much anxiety to do that. So for now I'm going to blog about what I'm struggling with in hopes that at least getting it out in some way will help.
Today I'm struggling with Tulip. It happens, some days I just get stuck on it. I feel a lot of guilt at times. I'll always deep down feel like I failed. My last cat to accomplish all I had set out to do the first time. The cat that I had known longer than any of the others.... back when Tyler and I would see her running through the commons. The cat I named in honor of Bess, since Tulip is what I suggested my aunt name her. She was the last project left in Kenhorst Cats (for a while at least) and I failed.
I know the vet said even if we had brought her in earlier there was nothing they could do... but I'll always wonder. What if I brought her in that first day instead of hesitating to throw the blanket on her and whisk her away to the emergency vet? A few more scratches for me... but her? Maybe without the infection the surgery wouldn't have been so complicated. Maybe her ruptured uterus wouldn't have fallen so far down into her pelvis. Maybe would would have at least been able to save that last kitten. For Tulip I vow to always trust my instincts in rescues now and not hesitate. I'd rather be safe than sorry (or left wondering what if forever).
I feel like I failed Bess all over again... The first time, I knew she was sick. I knew it was the last time seeing her, but I also knew I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I told my mom as we left that I knew I was never going to see her again, my mom assured me my aunt was taking her to the vet the next day and everything would be just fine... but I insisted she was dying.
This time I had the chance, life wouldn't be so cruel as to make me slowly lose another cat and being able to do nothing about it. No, I just can't believe God would be that cruel.... and that's why I'll always feel that guilt, because I feel this was my chance to be able to do something about it and I blew it.
I'll never know. I remind myself the vet said it wouldn't have made a difference and I try to believe it, but I never fully will....
