Last night while watching AHS season three I forgot about the rape scene in the first episode.... how could I forget? I don't even know honestly.... I think I tend to block out those scenes from most things. I then came home and discussed fostering kittens with my mom and she shot down that idea, which was really the last thing I needed to hear at that moment. Kenhorst Cats has helped me get through a lot of things. I've been struggling so much lately that fostering kittens was the only thing I've been holding on to, everything else is so far off and so dependent on Jared that it isn't enough to keep my head up. I am not mad at my mom for this... I understand her reasoning. our 7 cats have been "marking their territory" all over the house and she doesn't want it to get any worse.... but that doesn't make it any easier to hear.
Since then I've been struggling.... in an all honesty thing I'm trying to do here treating this like my journal, I relapsed and cut last night. I was in a dark place. I want to make it clean I never cut to try to kill myself. I'm much too afraid of death, I care too much for those who would miss me, and I have 5 cats who need me. It's just not an option for me, even as hard as living is on days like today. I'd be lying if I said suicide never seemed like my only way of finding relief sometimes. but people keep telling me I'm the strongest person they know so I keep telling myself that... plus like I said I just couldn't hurt all those I'd be leaving behind.
Jared knew today would be bad before he even talked to me.... he was also struggling with it last night too, he feels a lot of guilt since he was in the next room. I've told him a thousand times he didn't know, and I know if he had he would have done something... in fact I'm glad he didn't realize what was happening because he'd probably be in jail for murder right now. but much like I'll always feel guilt for what happened to Tulip now matter how many people tell me I did everything I could have, I know I can't help him stop feeling guilty. anyway, he got done work early today but told me to let him know when I was ready to be picked up because he knew I needed space.
I spent the first few hours of my day cleaning my room. I got a lot accomplished. I'm trying super hard to get everything in order. I want my room to be my haven. I plan on taking down the bar above my bed and replacing it with a cat shelf for my girls... leaving me wondering what to do with my dresses when that happens. staying busy organizing and planning helps keep my mind from lingering in those dark places.
I can only organize for so long though, as I explained my brain doesn't process that well... so after 2-3hrs I showered and had him pick me up. I feel badly for him because I was distant today. I can't help it.... I'm filled with hatred today. I'm angry at myself for not screaming. I'm angry at myself for not getting help right away which may have prevented the coma (and all my family went through while I was in it). I'm angry at God because I feel like I have gotten shit on by life for pretty much most of my life.... but most of all I'm filled with hatred towards him.
holding onto anger only hurts you, not the person who wronged you.... holding onto anger is like letting someone live rent free in your head... saying like these have been bouncing around my head all day. but how do you forgive someone who wronged you so deeply? someone who violated you so violently you wound up in the hospital with a bruised lung rapidly filling with fluid? someone that caused you to be put into a coma for 9 days? that hurt your family by having them see you like that?
I don't know where to begin.... do I have to forgive him?
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Never Good Enough
Lately, of my own free will, I've been trying to shape up my life and the ways it affects others lives too. I realize it's a slow process.... in most cases I'm aiming for a full 180 here.
for myself I'm been slowly organizing my room.... I feel like my life will feel less hectic if my room is in order. besides that I can start to catify better for my girls and also make it easier to pack up when I'm able to move out. I've never had an easy time organizing.... it's like the wires in my brain just don't connect right there. I love the way an organized room looks, I can even sometimes do it with other people's stuff... but as soon as you put my stuff in front of me and tell me to find neat little places for it to go.... pffft, I'm lost. you may as well have just spoken another language or given me a box with a tiny round opening and told me to put a bunch of little squares in there. it actually feels like a real mental handicap. however determination goes a long way.... so I'm trying really hard.
besides how it feels as if my brain just cannot wrap it's head around this whole organizing idea, there are a lot of other hurdles.... I have horrid insomnia. I never know if it's going to be one of those nights I can magically fall asleep before 4 or if I'll be up past my parents leaving for work silently crying in my bed praying for sleep. If I'm lucky I can wake up before 11.... most days it's more like 1 or later.
I wake up everyday with a migraine.... well not everyday, I probably get a break 2-4 times a month. however if I don't wake up with a migraine I will either get one later in the day or at least have a headache at some point. So I usually wake up and involuntarily cry for a few minutes as my eyes adjust to the sunlight stabbing at them. Coffee and excedrin migraine is my breakfast most days.... if it's a mild migraine just coffee because I try not to take pain meds too often. I then feed my girls and lay still in my bed until my head stopped pounding and stabbing every time I move a muscle.
considering most days I can only get myself out of bed around 1 due to crippling migraines, I usually have minimal time to make sure I don't see any cat pee downstairs and clean it up if I do see it so my parents have one less thing to do, gather my stuff for the day, shower if needed, snuggle Eli in hopes that he'll hold onto that love and not pee anymore, and head off for the day...
recently I've been trying really hard to add more to that routine by waking up earlier. I figure since I have crippling migraines anyway what does it matter if I get one less hour of sleep to be more productive? So lately I've been trying to add to that schedule doing my laundry, folding it, putting it away to get it out of the basement, feeding the downstairs cats, and organizing small parts of my room.
It's slow going, but I'm trying.... but it's hard to keep it up when I keep getting beaten down.
my mom has been yelling at me daily about the cat pee.... but she doesn't know I always check the house before I go to try to make it easier for her. I'm not as good as her an dad at finding it... but I try. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel hopeless... like one of these days she's just going to toss me and my cats out and I don't know where I would go with the four of them. I'm trying so hard to fix their issues but lately she doesn't even want to discuss how to fix it and what we haven't tried.... she just wants it to end. but without a bit of work the only way to end it is to toss us out, so what am I supposed to get from that?
My sister's house, to put it bluntly, is a mess. I am paid to clean it but it gets increasingly hard due to piles of shit literally everywhere. I try to clean around them or move them as I go but it never really works.... so recently I decide every week that I have a little extra time after cleaning I'd focus on one area and start to organize or at least straighten up.... nesting if you will. The first week I had planned on doing this ended up being the week from hell... I also had to start mowing her lawn that week and of course our first volleyball game of the summer was that week too.... so I had minimal time but was determined to at least do something. I decided i'd throw away as much of the extra trash in the living room as I could because that was fast, and wipe down the stove because I know Chris loves when I clean the stove too.... and just for my own peace of mind I used the good mop to mop so I knew the kitchen floor was extra clean.
...no one noticed. instead I got yelled at about the bathroom. I put on my best "I'm sorry, I'll try better" face but inside I was crying. I had started to fix up her house (a job that's not even mine) and not only did it go unnoticed but I was scolded about a room I had cleaned no differently that I had the past few years I've been cleaning.
so today I had it all planned out that I would fold all my laundry, switch out to summer clothes, and out it all away to free up all the baskets and make a big difference in my room as a lot of the floor space issue is clothes.... instead my mom lectured me again about cat pee and told me "if I have time" to clean up a huge area of the basement that will take hours. if I have time basically means "we know you don't work and assume you do absolutely nothing productive in the day so if you don't get around to what I asked you are obviously lazy and contribute nothing"
... so now I'm going to try to clean that area of the basement between throwing loads of laundry in and folding them and probably end up finishing neither.
I feel like in every one's eyes I'm a failure and a waste of life. That all I do is make every else's life more complicated. it's why mom can't wait to move out so I'm not her problem. it's why dad can't wait to throw me out so I'm not his problem... I wish I were normal... but instead it's all getting worse. The only places I can go without klonopin are my own house and Jared's.... otherwise I take a klonopin and make sure I have my barf bag with me. I'm finding it harder to function everyday and I feel like everyday people expect more and more....
I wish I was normal. I wish I could hold down a job. I wish I didn't have hallucinations and panic attacks, depression, and migraines. I wish I could go to parties like my friends and not have to pop a klonopin and still only be able to sit there silently in my chair holding whatever animal that household has. I wish I could go to sleep at night without lying awake in bed crying for hours. I wish I could get through a day without one single hallucination... I wish I could wake up and go instead of spending an hour or two nursing a migraine which half the time doesn't go away and instead of hanging out with my friends I'm inside laying down in Jared's bed while they are having fun....
I'm sorry to everyone my life affects negatively. I wish I weren't me.
for myself I'm been slowly organizing my room.... I feel like my life will feel less hectic if my room is in order. besides that I can start to catify better for my girls and also make it easier to pack up when I'm able to move out. I've never had an easy time organizing.... it's like the wires in my brain just don't connect right there. I love the way an organized room looks, I can even sometimes do it with other people's stuff... but as soon as you put my stuff in front of me and tell me to find neat little places for it to go.... pffft, I'm lost. you may as well have just spoken another language or given me a box with a tiny round opening and told me to put a bunch of little squares in there. it actually feels like a real mental handicap. however determination goes a long way.... so I'm trying really hard.
besides how it feels as if my brain just cannot wrap it's head around this whole organizing idea, there are a lot of other hurdles.... I have horrid insomnia. I never know if it's going to be one of those nights I can magically fall asleep before 4 or if I'll be up past my parents leaving for work silently crying in my bed praying for sleep. If I'm lucky I can wake up before 11.... most days it's more like 1 or later.
I wake up everyday with a migraine.... well not everyday, I probably get a break 2-4 times a month. however if I don't wake up with a migraine I will either get one later in the day or at least have a headache at some point. So I usually wake up and involuntarily cry for a few minutes as my eyes adjust to the sunlight stabbing at them. Coffee and excedrin migraine is my breakfast most days.... if it's a mild migraine just coffee because I try not to take pain meds too often. I then feed my girls and lay still in my bed until my head stopped pounding and stabbing every time I move a muscle.
considering most days I can only get myself out of bed around 1 due to crippling migraines, I usually have minimal time to make sure I don't see any cat pee downstairs and clean it up if I do see it so my parents have one less thing to do, gather my stuff for the day, shower if needed, snuggle Eli in hopes that he'll hold onto that love and not pee anymore, and head off for the day...
recently I've been trying really hard to add more to that routine by waking up earlier. I figure since I have crippling migraines anyway what does it matter if I get one less hour of sleep to be more productive? So lately I've been trying to add to that schedule doing my laundry, folding it, putting it away to get it out of the basement, feeding the downstairs cats, and organizing small parts of my room.
It's slow going, but I'm trying.... but it's hard to keep it up when I keep getting beaten down.
my mom has been yelling at me daily about the cat pee.... but she doesn't know I always check the house before I go to try to make it easier for her. I'm not as good as her an dad at finding it... but I try. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel hopeless... like one of these days she's just going to toss me and my cats out and I don't know where I would go with the four of them. I'm trying so hard to fix their issues but lately she doesn't even want to discuss how to fix it and what we haven't tried.... she just wants it to end. but without a bit of work the only way to end it is to toss us out, so what am I supposed to get from that?
My sister's house, to put it bluntly, is a mess. I am paid to clean it but it gets increasingly hard due to piles of shit literally everywhere. I try to clean around them or move them as I go but it never really works.... so recently I decide every week that I have a little extra time after cleaning I'd focus on one area and start to organize or at least straighten up.... nesting if you will. The first week I had planned on doing this ended up being the week from hell... I also had to start mowing her lawn that week and of course our first volleyball game of the summer was that week too.... so I had minimal time but was determined to at least do something. I decided i'd throw away as much of the extra trash in the living room as I could because that was fast, and wipe down the stove because I know Chris loves when I clean the stove too.... and just for my own peace of mind I used the good mop to mop so I knew the kitchen floor was extra clean.
...no one noticed. instead I got yelled at about the bathroom. I put on my best "I'm sorry, I'll try better" face but inside I was crying. I had started to fix up her house (a job that's not even mine) and not only did it go unnoticed but I was scolded about a room I had cleaned no differently that I had the past few years I've been cleaning.
so today I had it all planned out that I would fold all my laundry, switch out to summer clothes, and out it all away to free up all the baskets and make a big difference in my room as a lot of the floor space issue is clothes.... instead my mom lectured me again about cat pee and told me "if I have time" to clean up a huge area of the basement that will take hours. if I have time basically means "we know you don't work and assume you do absolutely nothing productive in the day so if you don't get around to what I asked you are obviously lazy and contribute nothing"
... so now I'm going to try to clean that area of the basement between throwing loads of laundry in and folding them and probably end up finishing neither.
I feel like in every one's eyes I'm a failure and a waste of life. That all I do is make every else's life more complicated. it's why mom can't wait to move out so I'm not her problem. it's why dad can't wait to throw me out so I'm not his problem... I wish I were normal... but instead it's all getting worse. The only places I can go without klonopin are my own house and Jared's.... otherwise I take a klonopin and make sure I have my barf bag with me. I'm finding it harder to function everyday and I feel like everyday people expect more and more....
I wish I was normal. I wish I could hold down a job. I wish I didn't have hallucinations and panic attacks, depression, and migraines. I wish I could go to parties like my friends and not have to pop a klonopin and still only be able to sit there silently in my chair holding whatever animal that household has. I wish I could go to sleep at night without lying awake in bed crying for hours. I wish I could get through a day without one single hallucination... I wish I could wake up and go instead of spending an hour or two nursing a migraine which half the time doesn't go away and instead of hanging out with my friends I'm inside laying down in Jared's bed while they are having fun....
I'm sorry to everyone my life affects negatively. I wish I weren't me.
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