Crazy Cat Lady

I think I have officially become the crazy cat lady of Kenhorst.... or maybe not officially yet? maybe that will be when I fully understand the process and get up  the guts to become an actual not for profit organization?

Either way over the past few months I have brought into my room 13 different cats. I have spayed 4 of them and will be spaying 2 more in the near future. I have found homes for all 13 of those cats... Two I'm keeping, both mom cats, one my boyfriend and I adopted so she lives with him for now, one my parents took in. One my aunt adopted. The rest was all hard work; networking and such. Picking through emails to find just the right homes. I've had to say goodbye 6 times so far and will have 4 more goodbyes when my current litter (which is almost 4 weeks old!) are old enough right after Christmas.

My room is no longer my room. It is our room. It is Kenhorst Cat's room. There is litter constantly sticking to my feet no matter how often I sweep. It often smells at least a little no matter how often I scoop since there have been 4+ cats living in my room for the better part of 3 months. There are toys scattered all over. I always have to watch my step. My clothes sometimes smell because my room smells and after all the work of caring for the cats I'm just too exhausted to rewash already clean clothes just because cat smell has leached into them...

I've lost countless hours of sleep, waking up early to trap, staying up all night because a tiny kitten was sick and needed TLC, staying up to make sure the newly spayed girls were okay and didn't rip their stitches out, being kept up because cats are nocturnal and 4am is actually the perfect time to play with the very loud jingly ball.

This last litter wasn't dropped at my door, I had to trespass,crawl through garbage, and then crawl through a hole between huge metal pieces of something and huge pieces of wood in a tiny shed just to get to them. I ended up with bruises all up and down my arms and legs the worst being on my inner upper thigh when a piece of metal caught me and I had to fight to get free, it's a pretty nasty bruise. I got all scratched up when I had to catch Tuna so she could nurse her litter...

I have no real free time, because any time spent away I could be called home ASAP because of a kitten emergency. One kitten I nursed back from the brink of death twice. Nugget, now Lola, who was adopted by my aunt and uncle. When she first arrived she was not doing well... she was the runt and had been away from her mother for hours because the mother was getting spayed (and I thought the kittens were a tad older than they were). She needed extra hand feedings in addition to nursing and had an eye infection. A few weeks later when she was recovered fully I was with my friends when I was called home because she was barely moving, wouldn't eat, wouldn't even respond. Her breathing was labored when I got home so we rushed her to the emergency vet, she almost died on the way there. She was given IV fluids and I stayed up all night giving her KMR and pedialyte. The next day another vet trip, antibiotics, more IV fluids, and around the clock care for me (back to feeding every 2 hours as if she were still an unweaned baby). Yet again, she pulled through... she's a tough little girl.

I have no money anymore because my money has become Kenhorst Cats money... genuinely at least 90% of my own money goes to the cats. I love donations because I don't make much so donations mean I can do more for the cats.

I say all this not as a rant. Not to complain. I wouldn't trade these past few months for anything. I've helped the cats, but they have greatly helped me. As I said in my last post I've been struggling, but they make me get up everyday because they need to eat and be cared for. They give me unconditional love.... and nothing has been more rewarding than finally winning over a scared stray who has never had a human to trust. Anchovy especially, we've formed a bond. She may still hide from everyone else, but she lays on my lap and in my bed. She lets me hold her, and hug her when I cry. She greets me so excitedly every morning... she really has gotten me through quite a few rough days.

So to those of you who are offended when my clothes smell, or get upset that I don't have money to "do" things, or think I'm crazy (and maybe I am)... if you don't support me I don't need you in  my life, because I'm finally proud of what I'm doing and I wouldn't trade my life for anything right now <3 br="">

Thankful.

I am struggling (and not just struggling to type this post because there is a cat on my lap gnawing my arm).

I am struggling with a lot of things. I'm 26 and still live at home with my parents. I feel like a burden.

I am struggling with the realization that some of my closest friends are hardly even friends anymore. I hardly see them. Some make plans that always fall through for some reason or another. Some are too busy with new found love. Some live so far away they just can't be here.... I feel so utterly alone most of the time.

I am struggling as I see everyone around me getting the only things I've ever cared about... engagements, weddings, babies. I try not to be jealous, but I am. Its hurts.

I am struggling with the rape. Every night is a nightmare where his smirk looms over me and I relive every graphic details I try to hard to forget. I struggle because I am stuck with all of this - the countless emotional scars, the flashbacks from the tiniest trigger, the fear of parties or even small get together or anyone drinking, the nightmares, the coming and going feeling of how violated I was, the constant feeling of being damaged goods... while he walks free and feels no remorse. Some days the feeling of violation is as fresh as the moment it happened. Some days I want nothing more that to cover myself in loose sweats and a hoodie because the mere thought of a man looking at me in a sexual way is just too violating.I struggle to love myself, to consider myself as strong as everyone says I am when I didn't even have the strength to scream for help... looking back I know that was best, I may have very well died that night had I done so, and my now boyfriend would have nearly beat the rapist to death and be in jail for it. I try not to be so hard or myself, I was scared and for some of it I was numb as if I left my body.... but it's hard to not blame myself when he is free to violate someone else the way he did me. Would my life have been worth that? To save another girl or woman from suffering the way I do everyday?

I struggle with my hallucinations, which are strong these days thanks to all the stress. I struggle with the panic attacks that happen daily now. I struggle because so few understand. I struggle because my extended family judges me... and my understanding parents. I want so badly to explain to them everything I go through on a daily basis. I want to tell them of the rape. Maybe then they would understand.

Through all this I try to remain thankful. I am thankful for my family, who is so understanding of everything I deal with. I am Thankful for my boyfriend who just holds me while I cry on the days I really struggle and does everything he can to make everyday good. I am thankful for my cats... Eli who is always my baby, Calypso who is psychotic and only likes me about 10% of the time. I am thankful to all the support I have gotten since starting Kenhorst Cats. I'm thankful my parents have been so supportive, allowing me to take in strays while I try to find them homes and letting me keep Anchovy. I am thankfully for Kenhorst Cats in general as it keeps me busy and keeps my mind from slipping to the darker thoughts too often. I am Thankful for Anchovy, she was basically feral, but now she is my lap cat and sleeps with me every night. She greets me every morning or anytime I come into my room with a playful and excited chirp. I am thankful for Honey, who is one of the snuggliest cats I've ever known, and thankful for my boyfriend and his mom for taking her in for me. I am thankful for my true friends who are there for me every time they can be. I am thankful for my sister who is always there for me and truly is my other half.

When I struggle I try to remind myself of all the good. Nothing will ever make up for the rape... but there are still good things in life, and you just have to focus on those during the tough times. There is always something to be thankful for.