for a while now I have been having these episodes where I don't fee like me.... I've struggled to explain it because I'm not great with words and while it's happening I'm too overwhelmed and when it's gone it's even harder to find the words to describe it. The other night I was killing time sitting in the living room because lately spending more time in my lonely room than I have to is just torture when I figured some words to google and I actually found a name for it. two words actually.... depersonalization and derealization. for me it mostly happens together, but when I'm lucky it will just be the depersonalization.
I'll try my best to walk you through it because I certainly hope no one reading this has ever experience it.
there are two ways it starts....
1. my heart starts to race as if I'm going to have a panic attack (sometimes that does happen with it) and slowly I can't feel much of my body in a way. I don't feel like I'm in it. I can't feel my feet on the ground or the weight of myself... I know that sounds hard to grasp, like I might be describing my limbs go numb, but that's not it. more like they are someone else's limbs. yes if you poke me I'll feel it, but my brain doesn't process it how it normally would, and it just feels weird partly because I don't feel attached to what I am feeling and partially because touch itself doesn't feel normal... the worst part may be talking though. everyone elses words are like having 20tv shows on at once at max volume. my own voice is no controlled.... the speed, the volume, even pronunciations. I tried to say banana the other day and instead it came out at berna.
2. is more like BAM! you don't notice it. you're fine, then you go to talk and suddenly the words feel and sound like they come from someone else and they don't come out the way they should. as I mentioned banana earlier, that was actually a sudden episode. I was getting out of the car trying to tell jared I had brought along a banana for a snack and managed "broughta berna" I then say back in the car for a few seconds trying not to panic.... normally when things happen like that you're having a stroke so it's a bit jarring. it's scary when the words you are trying to say are not coming out how they should, and your brain doesn't process them as if they have come from your mouth. feeling like you're on the outside looking in when it comes to your body is one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced.
now from there it can go two ways... it might slowly fade out until I feel like I'm back in my body, sort of like my soul just went for a little stroll elsewhere.
if it doesn't come back I'll start to notice I'm having trouble focusing on any one thing, sort of like my eyeballs are twitchy and when I try to focus on something it looks like it's shaking or something. this is the derealization beginning... this is the big guns. soon the whole world feels like a dream. I can't focus and nothing seems real. I could be at the most beautiful spot on earth, but I'm unable to take in the beauty because it just feels like a foggy dream that I can't focus on. everything seems pointless and fake. pointless. and. fake. this is where I get scared, and I have a tough time writing this because I don't want to upset anyone that reads this, but I need to get out what I'm feeling....
at this point I get really upset. my body isn't mine. I'm an alien in it and it obviously doesn't want me in control. everything seems meaningless. insignificant. everything. I feel like I am dead. like I am a ghost stuck here.... and I don't think I could ever actually kill myself, but going through this I understand why people get to that point. sometimes during an episode that seems like a perfectly reasonable action to take, especially since I don't feel alive anyway. death seems insignificant... more of a what if... what if I jumped in front of this truck? what if I jumped out this window? ...what if I slit my wrists? but I stop there, because that one scares me. maybe because it's more real for me? regardless I understand the action, and that scares me. it feels like any release from this half life would be great. like maybe when you die you'd feel something instead of just numbness.
so that's a typical episode.... or as best as I could describe it. now throw in that this is all triggered by anxiety and my senses are in overdrive. I cannot stop thinking and thinking everything. I'm stuck in my head, in my own little world. so much so that I have actually missed minutes at a time... I have no idea where they went, but chunks of time are missing from my days.
to whom it concern, I hope that helps. Please understand I'm not trying to make anyone upset by being thoughtless lately. it's quite the oposite actually, I have SO many flight or fight thoughts going on in my head about things that happened 4yrs ago and things that could happen, I just forgot that one thing you wanted me to remember.... and it's not even a lot to remember, I shouldn't have any problem doing so because you're not asking a lot.... but I did forget and I'm sorry. and lately I feel like I am made of glass. one criticism on top of an episode and I'll just shatter into a million pieces. I am not mad, I just take it all to heart. I can't help it. I feel like I'm slowly losing myself. like every episode takes a bit more of a me with it.... when I'm reminded I let it mess something else up again I just lose it on the inside. I try to keep it together and tel you I'll do it next time, and maybe I manage that at least... but on the inside it is, "seriously you moron? you couldn't manage to do even that one little thing? you let them down again. you let everyone down. you let yourself down and now there is going to be nothing left"
today we went to my friend's house to watch an episode of AHS and I nearly had to leave before we got inside because I was having an episode mixed with a panic attack...because the anxiety of going to my good friend's house was just too much for me.
I feel like I'm drowning. like everyone else is swimming.... but I don't know how to swim and they make it look so easy. I want nothing more than to feel normal again. to feel again. I must be keeping it together well on the outside because only Jared and Brandi ask me how I'm doing.... Brandi as a blanket statement because she knows I have many issues, but Jared is genuinely good at telling how I'm doing.
that's where some of my anxiety is coming from.... my family is so caught up in their own lives I'm not sure they even notice I'm fighting for my life. my sister has a baby on the way so she needs to be happy. I try ot talk to my mom but she is enjoying her new life with her boyfriend.... so she's not home much. when I try to talk to her she seems annoyed so I mostly don't now.... and dad... well he's not great to talk to. everything is changing. I'm scared because Kera is having a baby, mom is moving out, and I'm getting kicked out. I don't even know where I'll live, homeless shelters don't allow cats. everything is changing and I'm going to be left in the dust....
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