scared

I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow and I am terrified. not because of the pain or the long healing time, or even the chance that I might permanently lose all feeling in my tongue and cheeks... I've just always felt I was going to be one of those few people who die during their wisdom teeth removal. While I am praying, and hoping, and I know logically I'm probably wrong, I can't shake the feeling. So just in case I wrote a letter two each of my family members and Jared. I am keeping them in my purse tomorrow and I've told Jared to make sure everyone gets them is something were to happen.

After the coma I stopped being afraid of death. I know it's not the end.... I'm so terrified right now because I feel like my life is finally starting to come together. I've just gotten Kenhorst Cats going but I have so much more to do. I want to get Tuna and all her kittens (plus bundle) fixed. I want to find French Fry and all the outdoor kittens loving homes.... which will only work if I can spend a lot of time taming them after they get fixed. I want to give the best home possible to Anchovy and Tuna who have never really known what it's like to be a spoiled indoor cat.... I want Honey to live with me, It's been so hard knowing I have my kindred kitty spirit back and NOT getting to wake up next to her everyday and have her sit on my lap while I play fable or browse the web. I need that chance. I want to help all the cats in the area, then help other stray and feral cats around the county, maybe eventually the whole state or the whole country. I have so much more to do.

I want selfish things too... like I want to move out with Jared and just enjoy normal life as an adult couple. I want to fall asleep wake up next to him. I want to pack him lunch and cook us dinner. I want to keep our place clean so when Dad comes to visit he'll be proud of me. I want to have a garden and grow as much of our own food as I can. I'd like to someday have chickens so we don't have to buy eggs and support that cruel industry... so our chickens can be spoiled happy chickens that produce yummy rich eggs. I want a dog... I miss having a dog. I want it's fur to smell like fall so I can hug it and bury my face in it's fur and just for that moment everything will be fine. I want a dog because I know that one dog will have an amazing life full of love. I want to be around to be an aunt. I want to watch my niece or nephew grow into the amazing person they are bound to be. I want to spoil them, but also teach them to love and appreciate the people, animals and nature around them.... more than anything I want children of my own. I want to see what beautiful children me and Jared will have. I want to help sculpt their hearts to be just as beautiful. I want to make sure they know they can do or be anything they want... as long as it makes them happy. because life is too short and too precious to not be happy. I want my children, as they grow old enough, to be in awe of the strength yet gentleness of their mother, they way I was with mine. I want to show them you can be strong and still retain your innocence. I want to teach them that even though this world may be cold and hard there will always still be beauty ad kindness as long as they hold onto it. that they should be the change they wish to see in the world because if you think there is no kindness left in this world so you become unkind you are only proving yourself right... as long as you hold onto your tender heart there will be kindness even if only in you.

If I never get the chance to teach that to my children I hope at least one person will read this and benefit from it. Of course I'm probably being silly, and God willing everything will go fine and I'll get the chance to do all these things :)

Kittens!

Over the summer I started sort of a cat rescue.... I sort of because my anxiety over doing all the paperwork and such to turn me into an recognized non-profit has so far prevented me from getting to that part. However I've raised over $300, gotten a cat fixed, taken in said cat's tiny kittens and provided around the clock care for one of them that nearly didn't make it, taken in and adopted a very sick kitten, and provided food and love for the cats/kittens still outside.

I hate to toot my own horn, but my therapist thinks I don't value myself enough and I need to start recognizing the things I do... so I'm honestly quite proud of myself. I have really made a difference. My goal before winter is to adopt out the 3 kittens inside now (two of them already have homes when they are old enough), and spay/neuter the 4 kittens outside and find them homes. I still have 2 more adult cats outside to spay however one stopped coing around since her kittens took over the patio and the other rarely comes by so it could be challenging.

The first of the kittens to come inside was a kitten from Tuna's litter I called sick kitten, because her one eye had been swollen. She was very skittish but I managed to catch her and clean it off and for a few days it looked better... then she showed up out back alone, and since she was so skittish she never came alone. When I called her, she came to me and I saw how bad her eye was. I took her to the vet that night and found out she had warbles, or bot fly maggots living under her skin. One was under her eye and one qas just above her heinie hole (I like calling it that because I call it her Honey Heinie haha). The vet said she needed to stay inside until she healed or else she'd wind up with more. I named her Honey on the ride home because she didn't mind any of this so she reminded me of a honey badger, plus I love honey, it's the main reason I could never go vegan... I alternate between calling her Honey and Badger :)

Imediately I felt something special about her, but since she was going back outside I tried to ignore it.she was so scared she would hiss any time you came near her cage unless she was disctracted with food.

Then slowly she let me pet her, until she would cry to come out of her cage so she could lay with me.

 

I cried at the thought of her going back outside, so Jared and his mom agreed to keep her until me and him can move out. I still get to see her everyday, but I miss her sleeping with my every night.

 

It's been forever but I can't sleep because I have a migraine and a thousand thoughts running through my head. The migraine started at Angee's house and got so bad on the walk back to Jared's house that I actually fell asleep while he was still playing NHL. I couldn't even say how long I slept for because I don't remember falling alseep. I remember him excitedly telling me about how they were down 5 and managed to tie it up and then he was asking me if I was ready to go home so I could take something... oops.

Honestly, I don't know why this didn't happen sooner. Well I kind of do, there were a lot of reasons. We've always had chemistry from day one.. it made it harder to be as close to him as I was to my other friends because there was more there. However for nearly 3 years I (or we I guess although I'm not sure on his reasons besides he's a gentleman) managed to shove those feelings down and be just friends...
1. he was (is) young. nearly 4 years younger. When I met him he was only 18 and I knew he was too immature, even he admits that. Last summer we kissed, but he was just turning 21 and I was afraid he'd become some party animal that goes out all the time... I dn't know why I thought that, maybe because my most recent ex had put me through a lot of that and I figured a 21 yr old would be worse... so nothing became of it then and it almost destroyed our entire friendship... but we're strong and we figured it out even though we didn't talk for a month or so.
2. for a majority of that I was dating a controlling manipulative jerk. this is what I'm used to as my father wasn't the nicest to my mom growing up. a poor excuse, but he had me under his control and I felt I could do no better. I had heard more than once "do you think anyone else would want to put up with your bullshit? NO! You lose me and you'll have no one" and I believed it.
3. security. he's younger. I was afraid we were at different points in our life and by the time he was ready to settle down I'd be past baby making age or whatever. Honestly, this one is a mix of me being wrong and me not caring anymore. he's settled, and while neither of us is in the best financial spot right now, I don't care about that. we'll figure it out as we go. together :)
4. I was afraid of my family judging me for dating someone younger. I had a summer fling with a guy a year older than him when we first met and even though it was just fun and nothing serious my family still gave me a hard time... I wasn't wrong about this. when I first told my mom we were going on a date she said "but he's a baby!" however he's been so good to me that my mom is thrilled. he already met most of my family and they loved him right away. so while they were hesitant they quickly realized that him being younger isn't a big deal because we just make sense together.

another friend of mine is in a similar situation (honestly, seeing her and her now fiancee is partially what made me break up with my ex... I had feeling for Jared, but I was staying with my ex because I thought it was my last chance to move out and get married and have that life). I wish I could convince her to take the plunge and go for the guy she really cares for. but even if not, just get away from the guy she is with now because he's no good for her. and to anyone out there reading this... please only accept the love you deserve. don't let anyone put you down or control you. that's not love... I struggled with it for years and years, so many bad relationships that I insisted on staying it even though they tore me down.

anyway, I'm back in therapy. my therapist agreed I'm probably bipolar and have bpd tendencies. however she said that I amaze her more each time she comes in. that I've made huge strides in bettering myself and getting on a healthy train of thought. She said she'd no longer classify me as BPD because I'm able to recognize certain things.... after a fight with my mom this weekend even though I had the urge to cut, I instead went on a 2 mile walk to a Angelica Park to my favorite trail, then went on the trail to my favorite spot by the creek and meditated for a few hours. I even found a neat rock that is actually a brick worn down by the river into a smooth round thing.

other than that I've just been enjoying summer, my new boyfriend that actually builds me up and supports me, my friends, and my family :)

 silly face <3 br="">

 Angee and Tyler

 Jared and Dink

 Ryan relaxing

 Dink discovered his baby toys and wanted Jared to wear the goggles

 hey, biting is my job!

 walk on the Angelica Creek Trail

 

Stark!

Stark likes to bite too...

maybe I'll post more often, I'd like to take lots of pics this summer. I miss taking pics and even though Jared is not a fan of pictures he already said I can take all the pictures I want if it makes me happy. He makes me happy in general and I feel stupid for taking this long to allow myself this happiness, it's love.

lately

TBH... I've been depressed. My sister said she is just updating with pictures and that sounded manageable and therapeutic in some way.

My Thoughts on Free Bleeding

I feel like this will start as many free bleeding posts start, at least the ones I have read... I realized I always sort of practiced free bleeding, except maybe when my period was a new and terrifying thing.

you see I've always been "lazy" about products. I have a super heavy flow like the other two women in my family... changing a tampon as often as needed to prevent leaks got tiresome, and I was still messing up my panties. especially since we redid our bathroom and now have no cabinets. only a small cup with 2-3 tampons in it at a time. this doesn't last long during the special week in my house since my mom mostly synced up with me. when I go in there aren't usually any left. by the time I discover this I've already finished my business and I'm not about to go back out to the closet and get one and go back in the bathroom.

I have also found tampons make my cramps much worse. this isn't something I've seen many people discuss. I'm guessing it's because like my mother, most women don't really go without for long enough to notice. however after a few times without it began to make sense to me. I've found this true with most internal products, as I do have a cup as well, but I'll get to that.

I also dislike tampons because they make me "off". by that I mean I am prone to yeast infections and bv... something so simple as a tampon is enough sometimes.

Sleeping was always an issue for me... so many mornings in my teen years I woke up embarrassed by my stained panties, pajamas, and even sheets. pads never worked, so once I switched to tampons during the day I also wore them at night... they worked slightly better but the string would always do me in acting like a rope ladder for all the blood wishing to escape. after a while I'd get into bed and realize I forgot to put one in after my shower and figure why bother when it makes a mess anyway?

for me, the cons of tampons were quickly adding up. I found myself avoiding them more and more and not really having much more of a leakage problem than I did with them... how strange?

for christmas I asked for a menstrual cup... it works great... sometimes.
1. supposedly this cup is enough to hold your entire period. well I must be super bleeder or something because I HAVE overflowed the cup. by this I literally mean there was too much to be contained, not that I did not place it properly and it leaked.
2. I have a tilted uterus... this means that placing a cup is hard even on the best days. the best days you may ask? well you see your uterus is not cemented down. it sort of floats around in there and sometimes it's lower or higher or more tilted ect... frequently I can't even effectively wear my cup.
3. if it's not properly placed, it leaks. as I said I often can't get it in right with my tilted uterus, so it often leaks for me. 

so after a few months of my cup working and then suddenly not I was really not ready to got back to tampons. so I didn't.

But how?! how is that possible with such a heavy flow? well, I'm fairly convinced this is what our bodies were designed to do, and all the products we use are a big scam (like douching really). they help "solve" a problem that wasn't really a problem in the first place.

sleeping is something I hear many women worry about... I am receiving my wonderful monthly gift right now, and last night I stayed at my boyfriend's house (and all weekend!). I slept last night with no protection from my womanly horror. I woke up... to completely clean sheets. clean underwear.

lets talk about the design of the vagina. I mean it's a very intricate thing, even though it may look like God was drunk while making it. the design generally keeps things inside... unless of course you have a nice little rope ladder leading the way out... or even an extra absorbent pad drawing it out like a magnet. without these things your blood is pretty content to stay inside. yes. even if you bleed heavily with a pad, you'll be fine without it, the pad draws it out of you!
lets think of it like those cups that have a hole for straws, the ones with little silicone flaps. if you hold it upside down it generally won't leak. really your vagina works in the same way... this also means that you can't hold it upside down forever without a leak.

so it's not perfect? well no, not exactly. just like tampons and pads, you'll probably have some slips. however, if you know your body, it's not very hard to prevent leaks.

I suggest everyone try it once, it really is freeing. but how? well...
invest in some cotton panties, dark or patterned help hide slip ups if you're worried about it. then start by going to the bathroom every hour. if you're good try every two hours... now is the part where I tell you that if you can't pee every two hours you are most likely dehydrated. I have a good heavy flow and 2hrs is usually good for me with minimum activity to not leak. if you're grossed out by your period you're probably not likely to try free bleeding anyway, but if you want to feel extra fresh you can use baby wipes... HOWEVER! it is important to use toilet paper AFTER. you want to be completely dry. this means wipe away all the blood and moisture. any left behind will work as an escape route for the blood inside.

really, that's it. you just need to learn your body and you'll figure out when you need to go to prevent leaks. see when you "go" it opens up your lady parts a bit and allows the build up to come out (probably more noticeable for a heavy flow). clean up afterward and you're good for another two hours or so.

I currently don't care about any of my panties, so I am lazy about preventing leaks. I never stain pants though... which is another reason I believe free bleeding is the way things are supposed to be, even with my laziness I have yet to stain jeans... which I did while using pads AND tampons. as a way to prove free bleeding can work better than tampons, next month I am going to free bleed the way you would use a tampon... basically with the ultimate goal to be not bleeding on my panties.

but why free bleeding you might ask? well... I am tired of being ashamed of my period. I'm tired of thinking of it as something gross. it's just blood. it means I'm a woman. it means I can create life. it's symbolism should be respected and embraced.

I can honestly say a leak from free bleeding isn't the same. I don't look at the red smear on my thigh and feel like a disgusting failure. when you stop treating your period as a sickness or problem the blood becomes less gross somehow. the red is just red, blood like any other blood on you... not leakage from something that is supposed to contain some horrible, embarrassing, monthly punishment.

so I encourage anyone reading to try the same... for long enough to really decide if it works for you, because it will take more than a day to get the hang of how your body works... and for those of you who worry about what your man will think... don't. I'm fairly certain all the "helpful" ways to deal with a period are the product of men deciding our periods were a problem in the first place. besides this, I'm convinced any man can be brought around to at least accept periods even if they don't necessarily embrace them.

I'll update next month with my experiences.
lastly, this has me thinking about how I'll handle my future daughter's period... maybe I'll get her a cup? I do understand that periods are confusing for a long time, and trying to free bleed in school would be embarrassing, stressful, and difficult as it takes a while to really know your body. I think I also my write a blog entry for my future daughter.

Meatless Monday

I've somehow convinced my meat loving mama that trying meatless monday is a good idea. As a previous vegetarian and pecscetarian this excites me. My goal is healthy meals since that's how I convinced her... but of course they have to be delicious too or the idea won't stick.

Now... off to search for recipes.

ouch!

This weekend was full of fun. fun is apparently painful these days :(

Saturday morning was Art on the Avenue with my mom and sister. it's honestly one of my favorite days of the year, so much cool art to look at, amazing food to taste, awesome shops to explore, and everyone looks so happy. it was a nice day for it, not too hot! I got some free incense from Balancing Soul which is the main thing I was hoping to get from the trip. I will definitely be going back when I run out, it was really nice in there and a lot of the stuff was reasonably priced, especially for fair trade and all that. I also had an amazing grilled cheese!

Afterward Kera and I went to Sally Beauty for dye and 5 Below because I wanted nail polish. Kera had never been there but thoroughly enjoyed it so I'm glad I could introduce her to the world or really cheep junk you don't need but can't help buying. I got hot pink, periwinkle, and gold sparkles for $5. she also got nail polish and a few other things.

Then we headed home where I dyed my hair and painted Kera's nails.

I was just about to relax, since that is a lot for me these days, when my dad asked if I wanted to go with him to walmart. I don't spend much time with him plus we were home alone at this point and I had wanted white nailpolish too so I agreed. it was supposed to be a short trip but my dad is indecisive and we ended up wandering the store for another 1.5hrs debating on what to get for the fireworks picnic.

on the way home Dan asked if I wanted to come watch him kick around, and of course I did because I love being outside, plus I get to watch him run around all sweaty. when I feel up to it I've even started kicking around with him believe it or not... Saturday was not one of those days however. After a little while he took me home so we could both get ready for mini golf at Schell's and milkshakes after <3

Today was a picnic at my brother in law's dad's house. I love going there! It's so much fun and his family is great. The food was delicious, almost as much so as the drinks! I don't even like sausage but he made chicken feta sausage that I really enjoyed. I won't lie and say a large part of my fun wasn't watching the chickens and ducks they have.

however when we left I was definitely ready to head home. the long weekend had taken it's toll on me, I was feeling quite lethargic and my lungs were just starting to hurt. by the time we got home the pain had worsened so I took a nap. didn't help and I eventually took a perc which I hate doing because they make me dizzy and often nauseous but they usually really help the pain. this time it hasn't helped that much and I still feel quite tight and hurty but at least my breathing has loosened up a bit so I'm not so afraid of a hospital trip anymore. if it's not better in a few hours I'll try half of one of my muscle relaxers to get my chest to stop clenching up.

I've been so crafty/artistic lately. I'm proud for finally getting back into it! I've been sewing every chance I get, drawing a bit, painting, and today I made my dad's card with oil pastels which I haven't used in years! it actually turned out really neat and I forgot how much I love them.

I'm really happy lately but I sometimes feel like a broken toy since the coma... I can't do a lot of the things I'd like to or "should" do and it really gets me down sometimes. I know I don't show it often but I do get depressed and I'm not always smiling. I want to run and get in better shape but I can only walk... I know if I'm patient and I keep at it I can hopefully get my lungs strong enough to handle short runs, but it's going to take a lot more work and I have to be careful not to push myself too hard. I've avoided quite a few of my friends because they smoke and with how sensitive my lungs have been I don't want to put any extra stress on them. I want to roller skate but my lungs have just been too weak to get enough out of paying to skate so Dan and I have only been able to skate at night in parking lots. I know I should have a job but so many jobs I can't do now and those that I might be able to do won't hire me knowing I might need to take a few days a month off when they can have someone who doesn't...
I try really hard not to feel sorry for myself, and generally I don't. I'm more angry. I get frustrated that can't do these things. I feel bad for the people around me that I wish I could do these things with. but I'm trying, and that's what matters. I'm lucky to be surrounded by such supportive and understanding people.

<3